


Metal Pointe

by theonlykylaff



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-15
Updated: 2012-06-21
Packaged: 2017-11-07 19:40:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 87,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlykylaff/pseuds/theonlykylaff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PunkRockward and Ballerinella have known each other their whole lives. They want to love each other, but with so many twists, turns and bad decisions that stand between them. Is love enough? Rated Explicit for drug use, adult language and lemons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1A

**Author's Note:**

> From the desk of theonlykylaff...Several months ago, I had a dream…and the Edward in my dream stuck in my head for a few days before I worked out the whole storyline. I spoke to bnjwl, and we eagerly agreed that we had similar plot lines ….and walla, this fic was born.
> 
> We have to say major THANK YOU to lvtwilight09, ttharman, mamadog93, edwardseternal, and A Jasper For Me…they put up with all the out of sequence jibberish, crazy ideas and our neurotic tendencies.
> 
> We will post on Monday for Edward's take on things and Thursday for Bella's. Each chapter will be labeled with a number and then either A or Edward's POV or B for Bella's POV, hope that makes it easier to keep up with. It sure helped us, LOL!

EPOV

I played in the sandbox, I built a fortress in the sand by myself because there was no one else here that I wanted to play with. I was almost done when my mom called me to come over to the bench where she sat.

There was a lady and a little girl that stood off to the side as I walked over, "What momma?" I asked, mad that I had to leave my castle for fear that one of the other kids would knock it down while I was gone.

"Edward, this is Bella and her mother, Renee. Can you say hi?" she looked at me as I looked up at the lady and smiled, "Hi," I said to her mother, I couldn't see the little girl very well; she only peeked out from behind her momma's skirt occasionally. What I saw was dressed all in pink; she didn't look like she would be any fun. Too girlie to play the games I liked. "Bella's four, just like you," my mom offered. I just nodded.

"Why don't you take Bella over to the playground and show her around?" my momma said and I knew that I didn't have a choice. They wanted to do 'grown up talk' without us kids around.

"Fine. Come on, Bella," I said as I waited for her to follow me. I took a few steps and turned back around to see if she followed me or not.

She was tiny. There was no way that she was four years old like me. And, blah, did she have to wear all those pink princess clothes? Yuck.

"I was making a sand castle, do you want to come help me?" I asked her as she looked up at me and smiled while she nodded her head.

She had pretty brown eyes. "Okay," I said and grabbed her hand to make her walk faster.

She giggled and tried to run fast enough to keep up with me.

We sat down in the sand and she stared at the fort I had already built. "Did you make that?" she asked.

"Yep, I'm the bestest sand castle maker in the park," I said with a grin and started to pack more sand in my bucket.

Bella sat there and watched me for a few minutes. I worked to build the top part of the castle before I looked at her, "Aren't you going to help me?"

She frowned. Great, now I hurt her feelings. "No, my mommy doesn't like me to get dirty," her little face was sad and she looked like she was pouting.

"Ever?" I asked. There was no way you could go through life and not get dirty. Why would you want to? That was most of the fun in life, the getting dirty part. Suddenly a thought occurred to me, if you don't get dirty then you don't have to take baths. I just shook my head, I liked getting dirty too much to ever worry about a little bath.

"Nope," She said and shook her head.

"Well, then what do you do for fun?" I asked and kept shoveling sand.

"I play with my Princess Barbie or I color. But, mommy wants me to be a ballerina so I watch a lot of videos and dance around the house a lot. I get to start ballet lessons when I turn five," she said with a big grin as she held up her hand to show me five fingers, like that would magically make her five sooner.

"Your mommy sounds mean. You don't get to play in the yard or build tents or ride a bike?" I said and she looked like she was about to cry.

"My mommy took my bike away from me 'cuz I fell and hurt my knee. She didn't want me to break a bone or sumthin' in case I get to be a ballerina," Bella said and I could tell she was sad because she didn't have her bike anymore.

"Well, maybe I could let you ride mine sometime. We could let it be our secret," I said as she smiled at me.

"Is your bike pink?" she asked, sounding excited.

"Yuck, no. Pink is for girls. My bike is blue with black flames on it," I said, proudly.

"Oh. My bike was pink with purple strings on it...and a princess basket for my Barbies." She said and I could tell she was sad again.

"Well, if you want to ride my blue bike, you can, but, no Barbies on it, okay?" I said and watched her smile again.

She was pretty when she smiled. I think I like her. She seemed okay and maybe I could teach her how to get dirty. That should be fun.

"Are you sure you're really four?" I asked as I handed her the shovel to scoop sand out for the moat.

"Yep, just four," she said and held up her fingers.

"No way. I'm four and I'm way bigger than you are."

"Am too," she said and pouted again.

"Really?" I asked her again as she nodded her head at me.

"Okay, well, do you want to be the princess of this castle?" I asked and she smiled again.

"What are you going to be?" she asked curiously..

"I'm the Knight. I fight off the bad people that try to get in and hurt you," I said and waved my pretend sword through the air.

"Okay, this might be fun," she said and started to really dig in the sand.

Bella and I played together every day after that. I realize now that I fell in love with her that very day. She will always be my princess and I will always be her knight, who waits to rescue her.

But, really we rescued each other.


	2. 1B

Bella

When I try to pinpoint the exact moment that Edward came into my life…I can't. I mean I know the stories that our mother's have told us, but I don't remember that exact day. I just know that it was when we were both four years old. My mother had taken me to the park to play, again, even though I never played with the other kids. I never liked their games. I had my own games in my head and it was just easier. They never liked me anyhow, I was too clumsy and accident prone for them to play with me long. Eventually, I would get hurt and they would drift off while my mom cleaned me up, so I made it easy for everyone. I stuck to myself.

My mom described the day as cold and windy. Well guess what? We lived in Forks so that described about 360 days of the year. Nothing special about this day, until Esme Cullen stepped foot into the playground area with her son. Edward was tall for his age, shocking auburn hair and dark green eyes. Esme sat beside my mom and they struck up a conversation. Edward wandered around the edges of the play area for a few minutes until he finally drifted towards me. I say that I don't remember that day but I do remember the first time our eyes met. Even at four years old I knew that it was special. Special how, I had no clue, I just knew it was.

Eventually he approached me and we began to play, and per the norm, I shortly thereafter fell and hurt my knee. Edward held my hand and walked me to my mom, instead of taking off and leaving me to cry alone. He also stayed while my mom cleaned me up and even waited for me to feel better before he went back to play on the playground again. I knew that we would be best of friends till the end of time. Of course at four years old that meant until we turned ten or so. We made it a bit longer than I first thought but not by much.

We hung out almost every single day, played inside or out depending on the weather and even ate at each other's house most nights. Our friendship prompted our parents to strike up a friendship. I remember hearing my mom exclaim, 'I've never seen Bella take to anyone like she has to Edward. Not even to her father and me, wonders never cease. I guess she'll be normal after all.' Imagine how that makes a four year old feel? Yeah, not very comfortable, to say the least.

That was Renee though. She had high expectations for me. She wanted the all American daughter. I had to make A-B honor roll, be involved with clubs, do a sport and attend all the normal age appropriate activities to make her proud of me. I can't tell you how many times in my life I was compared to Jessica or Lauren. See living in a small town meant we all knew every single detail about the lives of those that lived around us. Our street contained the homes of all the influential people in town; the ones that liked to have their lives spread around as gossip fodder. The ones that wanted you to envy them, to be talked about and looked at as they walked down the streets. That was most certainly not me and not really my dad either, but mom, well she fit right in with them. She loved to be the Chief's wife; she loved all the perks that the position got her, most especially the automatic in with the 'in crowd'. She soaked it up like a sponge and used it to her advantage.

Good thing that Esme Cullen was married to the new Chief of Staff at Forks General, since that marriage alone made her an automatic shoo in for the high society of Forks. So that made Edward a suitable playmate for me, and both sets of parents encouraged us to be together.

We had it made for too many years to count. Summer vacations and Christmas trips included. We spent almost every waking moment with each other. The girls all tried to get Edward to talk to them to no avail. I was his only friend. I loved that fact, it made me feel special. He helped me not take to heart the words that Renee crammed into my ears. All the 'why don't you's' and 'why can't you be more like'…she wanted the perfect child and I was anything but that. Edward never cared, he was my best friend.


	3. 2A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things to remember while reading, things might seem scattered or chaotic...there is a reason for that but you won't really understand it completely for a few more chapters...just know that there is a method to the madness. And, it will all make sense and somewhat even out, eventually;)

Edward

"Mom, I'm goin' to the fort." I yelled as I streaked down the stairs and hit the back door.

I ran as fast as my feet would take me through the backyard and up the tree to the small fort that my dad and I had built last summer. It was my third favorite place to be in the whole world because it was mine and Bella's secret place.

When she was able to sneak away from Renee, she'd climb up the steps and we would talk and play for as long as we could get away with. I had seen her crying on the back porch steps and I yelled at her from my bedroom window to meet me at the fort. So, I wasn't surprised when I got up there and she was already there. Her tears had stained her face with streaks of brown from the dirt on the steps up and the floor where she sat.

"What's wrong, Princess?" I asked as I scooted over to sit beside her.

"Renee is making me go to that dance school full time when school starts. She doesn't care that I will miss my friends, well, that I'll miss you or that I don't want to be a ballerina anymore." Bella looked up at me with big fat tears hanging on the rims of her beautiful brown eyes. Even at ten years old I was a sucker for those looks that she gave me.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her closer to me. "It'll be okay, Princess. I'll figure out a way to make it all better, I promise." I laid my head on hers and tried to think of something.

Finally after a few minutes her tears slowed down and I almost screamed in excitement, "I've got it! Bella, I know how we can make it work...and ohhhh it's going to make Renee sooo mad." I couldn't fight the big dopey grin on my face as she stared at me with unknowing excitement in her eyes.

"What? What?" she asked as she giggled.

"You know that I got invited to attend that school, too? You know, for my piano and music writing and stuff?" I asked and she waved her hands around for me to finish.

"Well, what if I went too? That way we'll still get to see each other and be friends at school...and you know it'll make your mom mad 'cause she doesn't like us to be friends at school." I said as her eyes suddenly got sad again and she looked down at her hands.

"Bella? What's wrong? You don't like my idea?" I was confused, it seemed perfect to me.

She shook her head then looked up at me, "You didn't want to go there. I can't let you do that because of me."

If I didn't already know I loved Bella, I would have fallen in love with her right then and there. "Princess, where you go, I go. That's how it works, remember? I didn't want to go there because you weren't going to be there and because I hate that mean old Mrs. Tanner that is the music teacher there. But, if that's where you'll be going to school, then I'll go there too."

"Oh Knight, you are the best friend a girl could ever have," she said as she launched herself at me with a giggle.

"Mom, please stop fussing over me!" I asked as I pushed her hands off my suit jacket one more time.

"I can't help it, Edward. You look so adorable in your new suit, about to go to your first school dance." Elizabeth's eyes were wet with tears as I heard Aunt Esme laughing in the background.

"You do look really handsome," Aunt Esme said as she slung an arm over my shoulder. I knew that my cheeks were red from my blush.

"Thank you, Aunt E," I whispered. She patted me on the back as my mom walked over to get the corsage for Bella out of the refrigerator.

"Come on, Edward, we need to get over to the Swan's so we can get plenty of pictures before it's time to go," she yelled from the side door in the kitchen.

"Coming mother," I yelled back and made a funny face at Aunt Esme. She giggled and made one back, "Come on, kiddo, let's not keep her waiting."

The three of us traipsed across the yard to their front door where they stood behind me as I rang the doorbell.

"Hello Chief Swan, I've come to get Bella for the dance," I said when Bella's dad answered the door.

"Dance?" he questioned me as he turned back to look into the house. "Renee?" he called over his shoulder as the evil witch, or that's what I called her, came to the door.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" she questioned me, angrily.

"Oh, um, I've come to pick Bella up for the school dance tonight." I answered and tried to sound nice.

She looked at me in my suit and then behind me to my mom and aunt, then she pushed all the way out of the door onto the porch. She closed the door and moved around to stand beside.

"Edward, I already told Isabella that she couldn't go to that dance. She's been having problems with a routine from class and because it wasn't perfect I told her that she couldn't go to the school dance." She had her hands on her hips like this was not the crazy crock of shit ever.

"She never told me that you said she couldn't go. As a matter of fact she told me that you took her dress shopping for a new dress to wear," I said as I felt tears begin to build in my eyes. I refused to cry in front of Renee. She already didn't like me for her own reasons and I wouldn't give her another reason to be mean to me.

"Surely you could let her go this one time, Renee," Elizabeth asked with a plea to her voice.

"No, she knew the rules. She didn't get enough practice in and she still doesn't have the routine down. She's not going," Renee said with a head shake as she turned to my mom and more than perplexed Aunt Esme.

An hour later I snuck up the lattice and into Bella's window. "Princess?" I called out in a whisper yell. I couldn't see much as it was dark in her room except for a small lamp on her desk by the window.

"Knight?" I heard a small whisper from her bed.

"Princess?" I whispered back and shuffled my feet over to her bed. She sat up and I could barely make out her face.

"She wouldn't let me go. I'm so sorry...and she wouldn't let me call you. She made me practice for hours and hours," Bella sobbed softly and I reached out to hug her to me.

"It's okay, Bella. I know it's not your fault...I only wanted to go because it would mean fun for me and you." I hugged her as she cried on my t-shirt. I hated to hear her cry and Renee always made Bella cry. I always tried hard to make her smile and laugh. She was really pretty when she smiled. And, her laugh made me want to write more music and try and match the happy sounds.

"It's not okay. She's just so mean," Bella said as she pulled back and wiped her face.

"One day, when we get older, we'll be able to leave here and never have to worry about her keeping us apart, ever again. I promise you that." I hoped that I could keep that promise because I really did want to be away from here, well, from Renee, so my Princess could be happy all the time. Maybe we could go to Chicago and live with Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle. They didn't have any kids so I know they'd be good to us.

"I hope so, Knight. I really, really hope so." She said before she laid her head on my shoulder..

I sighed and hummed her song until she fell asleep.

I sat on the bench at my piano and played Bella's song as she gracefully moved along the dance floor. This was usually one of my favorite times of day but today, Renee was here and I hated it.

"Again, Bella. You keep missing the turn," Renee snapped from her seat in the corner. "And Edward, quit playing that song. Play the sheet music I gave you. That's the piece she needs to practice to." Her eyes met mine and I'm sure she could feel the anger and hatred roll off of me as I glared at her.

"Mom, I like to practice to that song. It's a composition that Edward wrote himself," Bella said defiantly.

"Oh yes, well, I'm sure that's all fine and dandy, but that's not what he's paid to play. I gave him the sheet music that Mademoiselle gave me, so that's what he needs to play." Bella's eyes met mine in the mirror and she frowned.

Renee was never going to break the connection that Bella and I had, no matter what she tried. That was something that Bella and I both knew.

I began to play the required music and once again got lost in the movements that my blossoming twelve year old Bella made as she danced across the wooden floor.

I was still a good foot taller than her but she looked tall with her long, lean legs...and yep, I was falling more and more in love with her every day.

Another hour and finally Renee said we were done. "Can I walk home with Edward?" Bella asked her mom as she did her wind down exercises.

"Not today, it's chilly outside and I don't want you catching a cold," Renee said, icily.

"But, it's not that cold and I have my heavy jacket," Bella whined as I sat there and watched them, discreetly in the mirror as I put my sheet music away.

"Bella, I said no, don't argue. Now, finish up and I'll meet you outside. I'm gonna go start the car," Renee said before she turned to me, "Goodbye Edward."

I nodded and immediately let my eyes move to Bella in the mirror. We waited until Renee had closed the heavy door behind her before we spoke.

"I'm sorry, Knight. She's so mean to you," Bella spoke and I could tell she was close to tears.

I quickly moved across the room near her, "It's okay Princess, at least I got to watch you dance."

She nodded and then hugged me, I kissed the top of her head, "I'll come up to your room tonight, alright?"

She nodded again, "Besides, I have some new music that I recorded for you to listen too, okay?" I hoped that would make her smile and it did, When she let go of me and moved back there was that beautiful girl looking back at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Okay, we better go, I'll see you tonight around nine," I told her as we walked out the front doors of the studio.

"See ya soon," She said with a wave and I stood there watching her get in the car with Renee and drive away.

I knew my heart was a goner...'cause I felt it leave with her.


	4. 2B

Bella

Years ago, Renee was a ballet star herself but before her name could be written in the history books she injured herself. Her dreams ended and she was forced to live a small town life in Forks. Her dreams came to life the day I was born. As soon as I could stand on my own Renee had me in ballet classes. I never minded, I felt so pretty in my practice tu-tu and my costumes for performances. Not to mention that I seemed to take after some distant relative and was graced with a heaping amount of uncoordination and clumsiness. So the dance helped with that as well.

At first it was one night a week for an hour. The older I got the more it increased. By the time I was accepted into the Forks Academy for Arts, I attended four nights a week for three hours and a practice on Saturday as well.

Elizabeth would bring Edward down to the community center while I danced and he began to take piano. We both took to our activities like ducks to water. Eventually our schedules matched and each night I took ballet, Edward would be across the center taking his piano lessons. It was the way we coped with being apart, we kept our mind occupied on other things and we were just fine.

Eventually Edward convinced his parents to let him learn other instruments as well. Ed and Elizabeth fostered Edward's music abilities and if it made him happy then they were happy. Renee was a different story. I was never allowed to even think about, much less take a dance class that was not ballet. Nothing modern or useful at all, in her words, 'no one ever made a decent career or money off such barbaric types of dance, Bella.' So that shut down that discussion.

I had to admit that I did like the way people looked at me when I held my toes at an exact point or my finger placement was perfect as my arm extended. I also had to admit that it helped with my ability to walk on a flat surface as well. It did not help me to make friends as Renee hoped. See all the upper crust of Forks attended and she hoped that I would make some girlfriends. 'It was sweet the way Edward and I followed each other around but I was getting older now and needed girlfriends,' were Renee's exact words to me.

The suggestions got more demanding the older we got. I think it was due in part to the fact that Ed and Elizabeth allowed Edward to express himself. His hair got longer and his music expanded to include genres of music that were outside Renee's comfort zone. Quite frankly it scared the hell out of me that I would one day lose Edward, no matter if it was because of my mom or to another girl, the possibility alone scared me. He got me, he never pressed me to be something I wasn't. In fact he encouraged me to be me, nothing else. He and I complimented each other, I made up for what he lacked and vice versa. Edward and I both had things we needed to overcome emotionally. That was part of why we worked, he supported me and I returned the favor.

It also did not help that the older we got the more attention Edward garnered for his looks and music. By the time he was in seventh grade he had formed his band Rage with Jasper, Garrett and Eric. They were good and that says a lot when we attended a school where everyone had a talent of some sort. They began to play regular gigs and developed a following. Eventually they learned how to make their own CD's and sold them. I watched from the sidelines as Edward tried to handle the new found fame. Renee never allowed me to attend the concerts so I never got to see it firsthand but I did notice the increased amount of girls that approached Edward during the day.

We both struggled…I struggled with Edward dividing his attention between me and his music, Edward struggled with the pressure of making music at the tender age of twelve. I mean look at all those rock stars that crumble when they are adults, so imagine the inability to deal with it all as a pre teen. I tried to be there but my ballet pulled me away at every turn.

Eventually it was the norm for us to do days, then weeks without seeing each other. We talked on the phone but it just wasn't the same. We both saw it happen but were helpless to stop it. When the pressure would get to be too much, Edward would sneak into my room and see me at night after my parents would go to sleep. He would tell me about his night, how the band played and about the different people that were in the audience to watch them. I hung on every single word.

Everything about ballet was very reserved, very sedate and elegant. Edward's music rocked, it was unapologetically loud and anti establishment. It was all the things I wanted in my life. It was freedom, it was chaos and I loved Edward all the more for having the guts to play what he wanted when he wanted to.

The first time Renee saw Edward with eyeliner and ripped clothes she forbade me to ever spend time with him again. So the phone calls stopped, in fact the phone came out of my room all together. She made excuses to not take me to get my driver's licenses and drove me everywhere I needed to go. Edward on the other hand was given the keys to a Volvo and he drove off with me watching out my bedroom window.

I still saw him from time to time but it was less often now that he had more freedom that his license granted him. It was also about this time that he stumbled into my room one night. Louder and stinkier than he had ever been. I almost had a panic attack, I just knew that Renee would catch him because of how loud he was and then I would never ever see him again.

It never occurred to me to be afraid of the fact that he now bragged that he smoked pot on a regular basis. I trusted Edward and if he said he was in control then he without a doubt was. Later I would find out how wrong we both were on that front. Dead wrong.

My own weight had become my problem. I was competing against Lauren, Victoria and Jessica. All three of them were skinny as rails and really tall. So my height worked against my weight. See taller girls could hold more weight and still look fairly thin, but not me. Every single pound showed on me, to me anyway. I heard a few of the girls talking about throwing up and let's be honest we have all heard of someone that did it. We were in ballet for crying out loud, it was easier to find someone that didn't do it than find someone who did. So I tried it.

It wasn't long before it was out of control. I couldn't stop myself. It made me feel stronger, like I had a handle on one aspect of myself. I was losing Edward, he was growing apart from me and his music was taking him places I would never go. I never really had a connection to my mother. I knew she loved me but deep down inside I knew that her brand of love wasn't completely right. And then there was my father. He was fine, normal, healthy and loved me with all of his heart. I was just too damn afraid to say how unhappy I was to his face.

See I was a pleaser. I would do anything to make those around me happy, including live a life that I didn't want. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved ballet. It made me feel strong, healthy and to a certain extent sexy. But I didn't want the other stuff that went along with it, the constant critiques, the demands to lose more weight, the long workout times, the pressure to be the best from all sides, the competition from all the other girls that want to be where you are, and the back stabbing to get to where someone else is. I didn't want all of that. If someone could show me how to perform and then go home I would be totally happy. I just didn't see that happening though.

I knew that I would need to let Edward go and let him move on with his life. I just didn't see any other way to do it but a clean break. I had my schedule and he had his. Our lives very rarely crossed paths any more. I tried to call him just because our usual form of communication, him climbing in my window, wasn't cutting it anymore. That didn't work. When I would call Elizabeth, she would tell me that he was still out here or there. I would see from my window all the people that came over, especially the girls. It may not have been that many but to me it felt like it was.

So I devised a plan to let him go and let him move on without me. I never wanted him to look back and say 'why did I stay with her' or 'just think of where I could have gone without her holding me back', nope I didn't want that. I loved him enough to let him go.

It just took me awhile to convince my heart to carry that plan out. I tried several times and several times I chickened out at the last minute. My heart tried to convince me to let him make the choice that taking it out of his hands all together was cruel. I couldn't decide for both of us. But my brain said do it now before either of you really falls in love- I didn't let my brain know that I was already hopelessly in love with Edward Masen- and let him move on.

I just wasn't sure I could survive that break. I relied on Edward for too many things. I knew I did. He became my only friend and my confidant. He became my source of encouragement and support. He became my life.

I could be and would be happy with my dance. That would be enough and I would let Edward go so he could enjoy his life too.


	5. 3A

EPOV age 15/16

Life pissed me off.

I had good parents; they left me alone for the most part and usually trusted my decisions. At this point, I'd never really given them a reason not to. My dad had caught me as I came home high one night. The next day, we'd had a long talk about marijuana and the effects it could have on me... I knew it was wrong, but I was fifteen, a rocker and I wanted to get high. I wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't driving or stealing to get weed.

But, tonight had just been a bad night all the way around.

One of the band members, Garrett, had tried coke for the first time and completely fucked up a paying gig. We wound up owing the guy more than we made, so we were all pissed.

Then, I had to deal with the band 'ho's who constantly tried to get in my pants. I'd repeatedly told them to fuck off but they continued to follow me around. I'd never wanted to slap a bitch in all my life until that skank, Denali, tried to force her tongue in my mouth. Jasper got her off me just in time.

Thankfully, my parents were not at home when I got there a few minutes past curfew and therefore, couldn't catch me. So, I went in and snuck out the back door to smoke a cig before they got home.

I had this little cubby hole between my house and Bella's where I could sit, undetected, smoke and watch her in her room. I loved watching her dance; her body poised and graceful, her inhibitions non-existent.

I just wished that she could show that side of herself to the world. It would make both of our lives that much easier.

Truth was I just missed her.

This whole 'secret friends' thing wasn't working so well for me. I wanted to hear her laugh at my friends' stupid jokes. I wanted to sing for her when we played in the garage working out a new tune.

She calmed me. She made me feel like I had a purpose besides my music.

But, with the directions that both of our lives were headed, we had to keep it on the down low so that Renee would lay off Bella some. Most of my friends didn't know her and as Bella wasn't allowed to have friends, I was the only one that knew about me in her life.

I took a drag off my smoke and waited to see her, but her room was barely lit, so I wasn't sure if she was home or not. I sat there and listened to the stillness of the woods as I finished up my cig, snuffed it out before I heard something.

A sniffle.

A gag.

I knew it was Bella. So, I slowly made my way down the fence line. There she was, in the indention where the trash cans go, she was bent over like she was sick so I jumped the fence and whisper yelled at her, "Bella, are you okay?"

She stiffened and stood up straight. I could tell she was wiping her face off but she wouldn't turn to face me.

"Bella, I said are you alright?" I asked as I tapped her shoulder to which she just nodded her head. I stepped up behind her. "Princess, turn around...look at me," I demanded in her ear as I lowered my head. Her scent flooded my nose and I had to fight the urge to lean my whole body into hers.

I got so tired of fighting my urges around her. My dick got tired of the pounding it took when I let it get too overwhelmed and whacked the shit out of it later.

She ever so slowly turned to me but wouldn't raise her head, keeping her face hidden behind all of her hair. I put my finger under her chin and tilted her head up, it was dark but I could make out her features in the silver moonlight. She was radiant in this light.

"Why are you out here, alone and crying, Princess?" I asked as I worked to dry her tears.  
She looked at me, like really look at me and gasped. My appearance threw her off a little, I'm sure. It was the first time she'd seen me in full concert 'gear' I guess you could say.

My hair was twisted and spiked in a row on top of my head and each spike was a different color. I had all my piercings in, the viper bites, eyebrow, nose ring, the labret in my chin and the dimple piercing in my cheek. I also had on some eyeliner. It was slowly becoming a new everyday look for me, but as we didn't always see each other every day anymore, I'm sure it was rather stark differences to her eyes.

"I'm scared, Edward." She said softly as she backed up to lean on the fence posts.

"Of what, Princess? Has someone hurt you? You know I'll kick anyone's ass that harms you. That will never change," I said as my blood began to boil at the thought of anyone hurting my Bella.

She vehemently shook her head. "No, no one but myself. I can't get the weight off. I can't get the toe positions right. I'm just scared I am going to fail everyone." A few stray tears escaped her eyes as I pulled her tight against me.

"Bella, you could never disappoint anyone. You don't see how amazing you are and the way you dance takes my breath away." I nuzzled my nose through her hair to find the soft, pale skin of her neck as I spoke to her.

I couldn't help myself being this close to her; she had to know how I felt, what she meant to me...I needed more of her.

"Edward..." she whispered just before my lips captured hers. It was soft and gentle and our bodies molded together as her fists tightened around my shirt against my chest and my hands slid to her hips, pressing her against me.

"Oh my Princess," I breathily whispered before capturing her lips against, more forceful this time as I pushed her body hard against the fence posts. She moaned in response and opened her lips to my waiting tongue.

I stifled the groan in my throat as our tongues twirled around the others and our tastes collided into a mesh of metal and heat. I couldn't get enough of her as our hands were suddenly clawing at one another and I lifted her up so she could wrap her legs around me. I palmed her sweet ass and licked her ear as she panted my name into the quiet night air.

"Princess, I love you...please be mine," I begged as I kissed softly along her collarbone while her head was thrown back.

In that moment it was like all of time stopped.

Her head snapped up, her eyes opened wide and she pushed off my chest, forcing me to put her down.

"No, Edward. No, no, no. I don't have time for you...I don't have time for love. It would just be one more thing I'm a failure at," she said as her arms were frantically moving around in the air as she pushed me away and began to pace along the small cubby we were hidden in.

I stood there, unable to believe the words she was spouting. My heart was open and raw. She told me no.

"You could never fail me, Princess," I said as I tried to stop this manic phase that she was in.  
She snorted and stopped her movements to stare at me.

"I'll never have time for you. We'd have to sneak around when I did. I'd fail you at every turn, Edward. We both know that. Time has proven that," she said, her eyes were wild and black.

This was not my Bella...not my little pink Princess.

"Leave me alone. Go away. Run off and be the badass rock star you are trying to look like in that crazy get up. Just..." she paused and let out a long sigh, "Don't forget to remember me sometimes."

And then she turned, jumped the fence and ran stealthily back into her house.

I stood there and let what had just happened wash over me.

My Princess didn't love me.

She didn't want me, or have time for me.

Suddenly, I was filled with rage. I needed to demolish something, hit something, tear it up. I grabbed a small log I saw lying on the ground and proceeded to beat the hell out of the nearest tree that I could find. When that quit helping, I used my fists to pummel the bark until all of my knuckles ached and covered in blood.

I staggered to the ground, unable to catch my breath as the tears hit my cheeks and I realized that the love of my life, the girl I had loved since I saw her at four years old, didn't love me back. I'm not sure how long I laid there curled up in the leaves and dirt, eyes raw from crying, throat dry from the sobs but I felt my father's hands as he pulled me into his arms.

"I've got you son. I'm here," Ed's voice was soft and soothing, which only hurt me worse. I didn't want to feel relief. I didn't want to leave the pain behind.

I woke the next morning to my mother's soft strokes against my cheek. "Mom," my voice was scratchy and raw.

"Shhhh, don't talk baby. I'm sorry I woke you," Elizabeth's voice was quiet and wet; I knew she had tears in her eyes. Fuck, I made my mother cry. But, my Princess had made me cry first.  
I curled into the fetal position and cried some more. I cried until I fell asleep.

I dreamed of her onstage dancing but once she saw me watching she would stop and run away.  
I wouldn't be able to catch her, no matter how fast I ran or where I looked. She didn't want me to rescue her anymore. My heart shattered completely at that realization.

The next afternoon I sat and contemplated how we got to this point. I needed to see if there was a way I could go back and change something so that I could make it all right. My mind spun out of control and I kept going back to one thought…I don't know how we got so off track.

This should have been the year we started combining our lives; my music with her dancing. We should be at the point where we can build our dreams together.

But, we aren't...we aren't even speaking at the moment actually. But, I didn't want to think about that night…the night we had the first real fight we'd ever had. It was far too painful and still made my heart hurt beyond comprehension.

My hand involuntarily rubbed the same spot on my chest over and over, the side where it ached. I know that it's my heart and that it yearns for her. I know this because my eyes missed her too; they missed looking into her eyes. My ears missed that quiet little giggle that she made when she thought something was funny.

I just missed her so fucking much, it hurts.

A few weeks prior

This party is lame and it only makes me miss her more to see all these couples laughing, joking, and making out. Not that we'd be making out but we would be together and that is all that matters. So, when Jasper offered me a hit off that first joint, I couldn't say no. Jasper promised that it would make me numb, feel good and generally not care about my problems. He had no idea how much I wanted that at this exact moment. So I said yes to it, because fuck knows that I need to numb away this hurt, this ache, the pain of not having her in my life right now.

I take the first hit and it is harder than inhaling from a cigarette. It's not as smooth, then all the sudden the smoke settles within my body and I do feel the pain disappear. I feel lighter and I can think of the good times together. I close my eyes and hear her melody as it plays in my head. I let the drug swirl in my mind, while I lay my head back on the grungy couch in Jasper's garage. I can hear the other guys set up the band equipment. What I really want is to be in her studio, behind my baby grand, playing that melody as she flies through the air to its accompaniment. Her movements always mesmerize me with the flow of her smooth body, her soft beauty, her grace and majesty while she dances.

I love to watch her dance while I play. I always have to will my hard-on away after we're done, 'cause I know she isn't interested in me that way, but it's all I think about with her. I want to know what it feels like to have my skin touch hers, bare and soft. I want to kiss her and hear the sounds that escape her mouth as I run my tongue across her collarbone.

I want to feel those long, sleek legs wrapped around my hips as I push my body deep inside of hers.

Back to present day

"Yo, asshole, you gonna sit there all day or actually get up off that couch and help?" Garrett snapped at me, jerking me abruptly out of my Bella induced fog. It was probably a good time since I'm sure a few minutes longer would have me hard as a rock and it is hard to play a guitar with a hard on. Trust me, I know.

"Fuck you, prick. It's usually me doing it all while your stoned ass sits around." I said before I took another hit off the bong. This one goes down so much smoother and I relax a little more as the warm smoke takes over and puts me in a place that is very mellow. After that first joint with Jasper, it's the only thing that gets me through the missing her. This is the only thing that keeps me from losing my fucking mind without her. I hope she understands why I fall on this crutch for support, but somehow I don't think she will.

"Guys, chill the fuck out. E, seriously dude, lay off for a bit, alright?" Jasper looks at me with a little bit of concern showing in his eyes. He knows I'm just a party user but here lately, it's been a lot more than that.

"Whatever." I reply as I close my eyes and picture her as she warms up on the bar. In my mind she is in her studio as am I. I run through chords on the piano. She giggles every single time when I break into chopsticks, even after all these years. It makes me smile when she giggles like that.

She hasn't giggled for me in so fucking long.

I can feel the tears as they build in my eyes and I remember where I am when I hear Jasper call me back to the present. I suck the tears, hurt and ache back down and open my eyes.

"We're ready, E, you sure you are?" His question pisses me the fuck off.

"Fuck yeah, Jasper. I'm always ready." I spit out as I get up and stomp around to gather my own stuff.

"Okay, dude, just checking. Chill the fuck out, why are you so jumpy tonight?" His hands are out in front of him, defensively as I move around the room.

They all started their warms up and I set up my few pieces of equipment. I struggled to control my anger, my emotions, and the wave of tears that hide behind my eyes. It all worked together to make this huge cocktail that does nothing but pissed me off even more so. I just need her, that's all, with her this all would be perfect, and without her it is just shit.

"Fuck!" I yelled as I couldn't get a cord unraveled, it really had nothing to do with the cord; it was all my frustrations combined.

"Dude, calm down...why don't you go walk it off for a few minutes. Smoke a cigarette, calm the fuck down." Jasper said as he took the cords from my fisted hands and practically pushed me out the door. I knew he was only concerned and it worried me that he would be all over my ass to know what the fuck was going on after my sketchy attitude and outburst tonight.

"Fine." I mumbled and took off.

The cool night air was full of dampness that clung around me like a cocoon. It soothed me in a way as I continued to walk aimlessly until I found myself in my secret hideaway. I watched her bedroom window. I hid and waited. I hoped I'd see her there.

It almost killed me when I did. Her hands were on the window pane, and she was crying.

I wanted to ask, 'Why are you crying, baby?' 'Why are you so sad?' My heart longed to know.

I couldn't help myself, I had to get to her. I took my usual route around the perimeters between our houses, I'm not sure who I thought I was hiding from but it was my routine and it felt nice to be back inside of it again. Once I got to her yard, I scaled the siding to the window of her room. I startled her when I showed up but she still opened the window anyway.

"Edward?" Bella's voice cracked as she said my name.

Just hearing her sweet voice took my breath away.

"Move over and let me in." I insisted and she followed my instructions immediately.

I crawled through the window like I had done a thousand times before but this time, it was all different, we were different.

Bella turned away from me as she tried to dry her eyes, but I pulled her back towards me, "Why are you crying?" My voice was anything but soft and caring.

She wouldn't look at me, she just shook her head, not speaking. I turned her around to face me.

"Bella," I said as I lifted her chin to make her face me, "Tell me why you're crying, baby."

Her eyes softened and the love I'd always known shone through in that moment.

"I miss you," Bella whispered just as I pulled her into my arms. I held her as if the world were ending around us.

"Oh God, I miss you, too," I whispered back as I buried my nose in her hair. I couldn't help but inhaled the essence that is Bella. Fuck, I've missed that smell.

She cried and soaked the front of my shirt as I walked backwards to sit us down on the bed. Bella curled into my lap and I wrapped my arms around her like we were a ball of us. I never wanted to leave this moment when I had her like this; soft, vulnerable, and all mine.

"We can't keep doing this, Princess. It's killing me. It's killing us. Why do we keep acting this way?" I finally spoke as I felt her hot breath on my chest as her face nuzzled into my neck.

"Because, we love each other too much," Bella's sweet face looked up at me through her lashes and the intensity in her eyes was unbelievable. I can see it all written all over her face. "It's too intense between us and the real world only wants to tear us apart." she softly confessed her thoughts.

"I can't wait until we are old enough to be away from this place with all the demands and restrictions. Until we can be somewhere alone, as just Bella and just Edward," I saidas I ran my hands through her beautiful brown hair.

"How much longer will that be?" she asked so quietly that I'm afraid I thought it instead of heard it.

I grimaced because honestly, I didn't know.

She was under contract with the Ballet Academy and I was being pressured to do the touring gig throughout the summer at least. Really, they wanted me to commit to twenty-four months of tour dates and appearances. I just wasn't sure I could be gone from her that long, especially before our fight.

Now, I'm beginning to the think that the whole damn fight we had was because neither of us were ready for that type of commitment for all those other things in our lives. To be forced apart for those long stretches of time would kill us both.

"Princess?" I had to find out for sure.

"Yeah." She responds.

"Were you mad at me because we're both about to be going on tours that will keep us apart?" I asked hesitantly as I felt her tense up once again, in my arms.

She pulled completely out of my arms and stood before me, with her face twisted in a cross between fear and anger.

"Not so much mad, Edward, as I was terrified of what all this meant for both of us...I'd be going to Europe for almost three months. We've never been apart for that length of time. Our whole lives we've built this dependency on one another under these grand illusions that we'd always be within reach of each other. Reality is it probably won't ever happen," she said as tears started to fall from her eyes again.

I reached out to soothe her, yet she backed away from my touch.

"Bella? What are you saying that for, it will happen! We've had this planned our whole lives, we will be together. We just have to make it through these next few years," I could hear the desperation in my own voice, the pleading with her to not give up on us, to stay strong. "I know that your mother is evil when it comes to your ballet career. She loves that it now destroys the relationship that you and I have had our entire lives. But, I refuse to let Renee win this, to let her destroy the one true thing that you love in life...me."

"Edward, it won't work, you are fooling yourself into thinking that it will. I'll be in New York, London, Paris...and you'll be on the road in some crapped out bus hanging with the guys and whatever groupies that the managers let worm their way on the bus at each stop. I can't let your love pull me away from my own dreams, I know that now. That's why I was mad. That's why I told you to go away and leave me alone." She swiped the tears angrily from her cheeks as she stomped over to the window and opened it. "Now, you need to go. You show up here, uninvited making me feel all safe and secure again, reeking of pot and who knows what else. Just go. Just go be the rock star you wanna be instead of the grand pianist you should be. If you want to throw your dreams away, then fine, but I won't support you or go down with you." She all but shouted at me, her eyes wide and black as she motioned repeatedly for me to leave.

When I hesitated at the window ledge, she started again with her directives. "Just go...get out...I don't love you. I can't love you...you'll just break my heart. GO! NOW!" She did scream at me that time.

I was in shock...and all the numbness from my high earlier was completely gone. My heart was breaking all over again...I thought we were working through this. I thought she was...mine.

But I was wrong, she was like a possessed china doll so small and fragile looking as she forced me to go away, once again. I unleashed my tears and the rage flew through me as I descended the wall of her house.

She wanted me to go, then fine I would go. She wanted me out of her life, fine I was out.

I needed to get fucked up before I fucked someone else up. The girl I love, the girl I have loved since the moment I laid eyes on her twelve years ago had pushed me away, again. She pushed me away, again.

FUCK! My chest aches like someone is ripping it open.

I made my way back to the garage but didn't go in. I heard the band playing; I quietly opened the door to Garrett's Camaro and pilfered through the console until I found a few pills. I knew the reds one made you happy and high, I didn't want that. Right now I wanted the green and white ones, they brought you down. Fuck, yeah that is what I wanted...I wanted to be down, so down that I felt almost dead.

I swallowed a couple, forcing them down my dry throat before I walked into the garage to sing some more shitty songs about pipe dreams and love.

Fuck love.

Fuck the world.

None of it mattered without my Princess.


	6. 3B

Bella

The next few days went well; I was so busy with dance that I didn't see Edward that much. We had to try out for a new production tomorrow and that always made my life even more hectic than usual. A new production meant that there would be extra practices and fittings for the costumes. This time was no exception. Mademoiselle wanted Jessica, Victoria, and I try out for Prima.

I danced for hours the night before; I wanted it to be perfect. It had to be, being Prima was all Renee talked about. How it would change where I would be able to dance this summer and how this would be an important time for me as a dancer. This was when all the really important dance troupes began to look for young new faces. Blah, blah, blah! I tuned her out and just focused on me. No matter who was in front of me, I danced for Edward.

I pictured the look on his face when I began to move. It was priceless. His eyes became large and joyful. His face settled into a lazy smile and his head bobbed to the music and my movements. I loved it, he made me feel sexy and special. He was why I danced.

As I stepped into the bathroom, I began to think of my plan to destroy our friendship and for once I didn't have to gag myself to bring up my dinner. It came automatically. I ran outside because I could be heard from my bathroom if I threw up. My brain kicked into high gear as I grabbed a juice bottle off of the counter as I ran by. I at least wanted something to rinse my mouth with so if I had to talk to anyone on my way back upstairs I wouldn't smell like a trash can. I stood in the little cubby hole that Edward showed me years ago by the trash cans and emptied my stomach. After I was done, I swigged the juice, swished it around and spit it out, then drank from the bottle again.

I heard the last thing I needed right now, I heard Edward call out to me. I tensed and waited to see if he would go away but his voice just got louder as he called a second time. Then he tapped me on the shoulder. I dropped the juice to the ground and turned slowly to face him.

He was dressed way different than I had ever seen him, of course I had never seen him dressed for a concert. Renee made sure that I never made it to one of those. I had no idea if he looked this way all the time or if this was a new look but I had to get used to it. It only made me realize just how far apart we had grown. There was a time when we knew everything about each other and now it saddened me to look at the large chunks of his life I didn't witness. It was further proof that I had to give him a chance to grow on his own and make his way.

The honesty written on his face made me say something that was totally opposite from what I had planned right then. "I'm scared, Edward."

Of course as soon as I said that he went all Captain Caveman for me and promised to kick anyone's ass that got too close. I stopped that thought with a head shake and a few small tears. I spilled my heart to him and told him all about my fears. How I was afraid that I would disappoint everyone, and the constant pressures I felt I was under.

He reassured me that this was just a case of me being too far inside of my head. I wanted to laugh but he stepped closer to me and nuzzled my hair, then my neck as he spoke. I lost all track of my thoughts, they just packed their bags and flew south for the winter because they were no longer in my head. I whispered the wrong word, I whispered his name. It encouraged him and before I could stop him he had his mouth against mine.

Now, I had kissed Edward before but never like this. His mouth pressed against mine and both sets of lips opened simultaneously. I felt his tongue slide into my mouth and I couldn't help but moan at the feel of him. The way his body invaded mine, the touch of his skin as his hand manipulated my neck and head to mold better with his face. The slight way his body pressed me against the posts of our fence. It was too much, yet not enough. I wanted it and so much more. But I couldn't have it. I had to get away. Yet my body refused to move.

His hands roamed my body and my legs acted on impulse, they tangled themselves around his waist and held on for dear life. He pressed his large hands, the very hands that I had watched so many times as he played the piano for me and fantasized about, along the curve of my ass. Our faces broke apart when we needed air and when my head dropped down to my shoulder for support, he began to kiss along my ear. His name fell from my lips, over and over again. The feelings were indescribable.

All thoughts were lost of the plan and how to enact it until his mouth snapped me back into reality. He begged me to love him, to be his, he even called me by his pet name…Princess. I had to stop this now. I couldn't promise those things no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. He deserved more. More than me, more than a dancer who had a crazy psychotic mother, more than a sick individual that made herself threw up just to be what other's wanted her to be. He deserved the best, someone that would encourage him, be strong for him and love him with her full heart like he deserved.

Distance, that was the key because as long as his body was tangled with mine in any fashion, I wouldn't say what I needed to say. So I pushed away and spoke before my heart could talk me out of it.

I told him about my needs and how I didn't have time for love, or him. I watched as his face crumbled, the pain clearly written there for me to see. I turned away and began to pace, I just had to get more distance so that I could finish what I started.

I raised my voice and spoke words that I knew would hurt him, hurt him badly. Bad enough that he would be stunned and give me a chance to leave without worry that he would follow me. I had to get away before I broke down and stayed with him. I knew that if I was honest with him and told him how I was no good for him then he would talk me out of it. I had to do this for him. He deserved better.

I jumped the fence and ran back into my house.

Thankfully, my parents were both upstairs, so I could make a clean get away up to my room. I shut off the light and threw myself into my bed. I ached all over, I had just pushed away the one person that loved me unconditionally. Not only did he love me but he professed that love, out loud. And I shunned him. I wanted to kick my own ass for that. But it was for the best!

The next day I danced, danced for Edward, even though he would never see me. I felt like I did well but I had no way to know until Monday when positions were announced. I wanted to celebrate but it felt wrong without Edward so I just danced in my room while I thought of him. It broke my heart all over again I felt so raw and wounded without him, I broke down in tears.

I should have known that he would see me, he always had a way of knowing what I felt and when I needed him. His face popped up in my window and I opened it without hesitation. As soon as he climbed in he had me in his arms. He asked me why I cried and like an idiot I was honest with him. I guess all these years that we have been friends, I just didn't know any other way. He was the one person in my life that I was completely honest with, all others got the fake me. My body must not have known when to shut it off.

I told him that I missed him and he repeated my answer. He held me when I cried and allowed me to curl into his lap to settle myself down. We talked about why this happened to us, and I finally spoke the words I need to say… "Because we love each other too much. It's too intense between us and the real world only wants to tear us apart."

He talked about our future but I had to shut that down. Eventually I would have to stop believing in the future and live for now. Otherwise I would spend my life on what might have been and never let him go. So, I pulled a girl move and picked a fight. I showed him all the obstacles and he tried his best to be optimistic about things. Until I pulled out the only card he couldn't trump. The 'you are not good enough for me' card, basically I told him that I couldn't give up my dreams for him. I yelled at him because he made me feel safe when he really couldn't promise that. I picked on him for smoking pot, anything to belittle him and make him run away.

I felt the tears as they burned the backs of my eyes. I hated myself and my choices. I hated the fact that Renee couldn't be happy with me as a normal child, instead she had to go and push her dreams off on me. I hated that I couldn't be here for Edward to support him like he had done for me all these years.

So I raised my voice one more time and all but pushed him out of my window. He had no idea that it really was because he needed to be gone before the tears started, not because I actually wanted him gone.

I heard him as he beat against something in his back yard. Each hit made me cry that much harder, the tears streamed down my face. I wanted to die without him. I couldn't make it, he was my everything. Literally, everything. But I couldn't ask him to give up so much for me, he had talent and he shouldn't waste it. I refused to let him waste it.

His Aunt Esme always said that if it was meant to be it would happen one day, I hoped she was right. I prayed that she had not just made shit up to make two stupid kids feel better.

The next few weeks were hell. I felt like hell, I looked like hell and I danced like hell. I wanted no part of it, I resented the ballet and I resented my mom because she made me choose the ballet over Edward. Then it dawned on me that if I had not chosen the ballet I would still have to let Edward go because he wouldn't be able to take me with him on the road.

So I decided I might as well occupy my mind with the only thing I had left in my life now. Dancing.


	7. 4A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, this chapter jumps backwards in time, to before the last chapter, actually. Hopefully, if you were confused or uncertain about why they were going through what they were, this will clear it up.
> 
> Tissue Warning….might as well keep a box nearby for the next several chapters, actually;)

EPOV

I knew that there would come a time when I would have to make a choice.

I just didn't expect it to come so soon or with such heaviness.

My parents were open to me taking either one, although, I knew which choice they preferred, especially my mother. They held no expectations of me either way. As long as I was happy and thriving, they would support me.

I was scared to tell Bella, particularly because to her there simply was no choice. She would never understand my need to weigh the options and make a decision. But there was a huge difference between our lives, I did have a choice. My parents made their preferences known to me but they never pushed them on me, like Renee did to Bella. I was free to choose which ever one I wanted. This choice was mine to make. Renee has never given her any options. Bella's choices are made for her, without regard to her own wants, needs or feelings on the subject. That's why I knew that my Princess would never understand my need to evaluate all the pro's and con's that lay before me.

Time was running out and I needed to talk to her, soon. Things had been so good between us since just before Thanksgiving, we were back to being the Princess and the Knight, lost in our own little world of love and friendship. I was scared to break that bubble but, we return to school on Monday, something that both of us dreaded for various reasons.

Bella waited to hear back from the three dance troupes that she applied for summer internships with as well as she was still waiting to hear about the placement for the Spring semester's troupe. She's hoped to have made the Prima troupe as a Junior, something that is very rare but with her talent and drive it shouldn't surprise anyone if she made it.

I secretly hoped she didn't. It wasn't that I didn't want her to succeed but I didn't want to have to deal with further restrictions from Renee. It would mean even more nights of lock down for rehearsals and practice for Bella, and more time for Renee to keep the two of us apart. She would only let me have time with my Princess when she needed me behind the piano in the studio to allow Bella to practice more naturally with live music.

In those moments, Renee needed me and treated me like a Prince, but the moment she was done with me, I was shooed out like the hired help.

If she only knew about the nights that Bella and I spent wrapped up under the covers, we talked, kissed, and planned our future. Was it wrong of me that I prayed she never found out, because if she ever did then she would certainly find a way to keep me away from Bella permanently?

So, here I am on a Sunday night at precisely five after ten, sneaking into Bella's bedroom through the window, like I had been doing for almost eight years. Only, tonight I feel some trepidation because I know that I have to tell Bella about both offers that I've received.

I tap on the glass in our little signal and wait as I hear her slide along the carpet to open the window. We have this down to an art form to keep Renee from finding us out, with only socks on, sliding along the carpet to keep it quiet, and no sounds to be heard downstairs. Yeah, it's kind of silly but when we were eight years old, this was what we came up with and neither of us had thought about it enough to change the rules.

It's one of the things I love about my Princess, we can be silly and have stupid rules and it makes us both happy.

Bella's feet are bound tight with mesh compression bandages tonight, so I know it must have been a bad day for her.

"You okay, Princess?" I asked as I sat down Indian style on her bed and placed her worn and overworked feet and calves in my lap to give them a decent rub down.

She grimaced before giving me a half smile. "I'm still having a little trouble on the turn so Renee had me practice it one hundred times in a row."

I managed to hold the anger just inside, but it built up, and waited patiently for the day when I could finally tell Renee Swan what an evil, maniacal bitch she was for abusing her only child the way that she did in the name of living her own dreams out through her daughter. I hated Renee.

Bella knew how I felt, but we never, ever talked about it. She could vent to me about it, but it did no good for me to dwell on that anger, as Bella pointed out to me, since neither of us were in a position to change it or make it any different. So, I listened and stewed silently while I was with my Princess. But later, when I got home, I knew that I would pound out my anger in the form of lyrics and melodies on my keyboard.

"Does that feel better?" I rubbed my fingers gently over her swollen and bruised feet and heels before carefully using my hands to massage her lithe calve muscles.

"Mmmmmhmmm," She responded as she laid back and closed her eyes.

I knew that I had to just get it over with so I drew in a deep breath and said, "Princess, I need to talk to you about something."

Her eyes immediately flew open and she frowned at me. "Is this a good talk or a bad talk?"

"Well, it could go either way; I suppose...I, um, need to share some news with you." I scrunched my face up as she pulled her legs from lap and sat up facing me in a mirroring position.

"News? Like, acceptance and offer type news?" She inquired, a little fearful and a little excited.

I nodded my head as I reached into the left pocket of my hoodie and pulled out the Symphony offer and handed it to her. She pulled the letter from the envelope and did a small jump and silent scream on the bed. She rose up on her knees, wrapped her arms around me in a hug and smothered my face with kisses and small giggles.

I smiled and put my hands on her hips to hold her steady before she finally stilled and sat back on her heels.

"Wait a minute, you said this could go either way, I would never consider this part to be bad news, so where's the rest?" Her eyes now held ire and her arms folded across her chest as I slowly reached into my right pocket and removed the envelope from Maverick Elite Studios. My hand visibly shook as I handed it to her.

"What the fuck is this, Knight? You didn't tell me you applied for his." She spat out as she read through the offer.

"I didn't exactly 'apply' for that, Princess. The agent scouted us at a gig one night, approached us, handed us his card and then a few months later, he showed up on my parent's doorstep with the rest of the band and this offer. Since all the other guys are of legal age they can sign for themselves but my parents have to sign off on the contract and agree to let me go." She narrowed her eyes at me as a fire burned deep within them. I chose to ignore her anger and continue before she got to the point where she shut me out completely. "Should I choose to take the offer?" I gulped as she slowly placed both pieces of paper back in each envelope and handed them back to me.

I sat there and waited for her to say something while a myriad of emotions flew across her face and behind her eyes.

"How long have you known?" She finally spoke with venom on her tongue.

"Since two days before Thanksgiving." I replied, because I knew why she asked. She wanted to know when the record executive showed up on my doorstep and why now all this time later I'm finally telling her about it.

"So, you've made your choice?" She sniped at me.

"No. Yes. Maybe?" I nervously ran a hand through my hair as I watched her get up off the bed.

Fuck, she's really pissed if she's getting off the bed.

"Which one do you want the most?" She asked with her hands on her hips.

"That's not a fair question, Princess." I all but whined as I turned to get off the bed but she held out a hand to stop my movements.

"No, you see, dear Knight, it is a very fair question. One of them leads you to me and a small taste of some freedom for us. While the other leads you to the big, open world full of all the freedom you can handle."

She walked over to stand directly between my legs, put her hands on my shoulders and looked down at me with nothing but fear on her face. In a whisper I barely heard she spoke, "Which do you choose?"

"Princess," I whispered and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me, burying my head in her chest as I felt her tears hit my cheek. I pulled back and looked up at her.

"You aren't choosing me." She simply said.

"Don't think of it that way. That's not the way I see it. Please, Princess...Bella...that's not it at all." I begged for her to listen to me, to try and understand.

"No, Edward, you listen. If you choose the band, then you can't choose me." Her voice was angry. She would never forgive me for this decision. "The band is an all or nothing choice, that's just the way it is."

"Bella." I said with a soft sigh as I sat up and looked at her. "It's not that simple."

She flicked her fingers across her face to swipe her tears away. "It is that simple. If you choose the symphony you'll only be a few minutes away from me. Any free time we have we can spend together, act like the young teenagers in love that we are." Bella looked at me as her eyes pled with me to understand her point of view.

I ran a hand through my hair and lay back on the bed.

"Bella, do you really think Renee will ever loosen her hold on you just because you're in Europe?" I asked, as my own anger rose up. We clearly both had chosen paths in front of us, and neither of them would ever actually allow for us to be together like a normal couple of teenagers.

"She can't be there with me the whole summer, Edward. You know that was one of the reasons I chose Europe, in fact it was my first choice." Bella snapped at me and moved to sit with her back against the headboard.

I sat up and turned to face her, "The symphony offer does not offer me the chance to expand my own career. However, the other offer with the band, does. I'd be a fool not to explore that option, Bella." I watched her face as it morphed from rage to sadness and then went blank.

"So you've made your choice," was her reply, as her eyes bored into mine.

"Not officially." I whispered.

"How long 'til you leave?" A tear fell from her eye as she spoke.

"Not until March, April at the latest." I slowly reached across the bed for her hands. She allowed me to intertwine our fingers as I watched my own actions before my eyes roamed up to meet hers.

"Bella, we're both sixteen years old with careers that most adults would kill for the chance to have. We aren't typical teenagers except when we are together. The world has greater expectations of us and unfortunately we won't be able to meet those expectations unless we each take the paths laid before us." We had both realized long ago that the issues that we faced weren't like those of the other kids that we started grade school with.

The talents that Bella and I possessed weren't average. We were each born with unique qualities that were sought after by world renowned entities of both our professions.

"I want to be a crazy in love teenage fool though, Knight. I want to act silly and get dressed up for our first official date. I want to go to prom and lose my virginity. I just want us to be together in this whole fucked up mess of our lives." Bella's hands twirled as she talked and tears ran down her face at the loss of the carefree notions that she voiced.

"Bella, I want those things too, baby, but, we both know that's not in the cards for us." I reminded her and shadowed her sadness with my own regret; I certainly regretted that I would not have those things with her.

"I don't know how to live without you." She confessed.

I pulled her into my arms and laid us both down.

"I know, Princess, because I feel the same way about you. You are both my best friend and my girlfriend. It's been you and me for all our lives." I said as I moved her hair off her face and cupped her cheeks.

"I simply don't know how to live without you, either." I said before I gave her a soft kiss.

Bella and I had kissed before, nothing heavy and never with tongue. We had cuddled a lot and played around with each other. We never allowed anything to turn sexual between us, I think out of fear, to be honest.

Fear that we loved each other too much to stop once we experienced the passion between us. Because we really were too young physically to be as wise and old-souled mentally as we both were. Some things we wanted to leave for the future when we were free of the reigns of the world.

"I love you, Knight." Her whispered words filled my soul with a depth that no one would ever be able to replace.

"I love you, too Princess." I replied as I kissed her forehead and hoped that we made it through what lay ahead for both of us.


	8. 4B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More big girl pantie warnings...Twinerdforlife has just put on some men's boxer briefs and called it a day...that might help you all as well. These two love each other and want to be together, but life just doesn't cooperate with them. And it won't for awhile, just so you know. Now, don't get either of us wrong, we are both HEA kinda girls and there will be one here, we promise!
> 
> Now get on down there and read...

Bella

I had practiced that stupid turn for what felt like a million times. Always under Renee's watchful eye. She really did know what she was doing and heaven knows she had enough experience under her belt to teach, so it made sense that I listened to her when she offered advice. I had it nailed, could do it with my eyes closed, but now my poor feet would pay the price of my, rather Renee's, persistence.

I ran up and took a hot shower. I made sure to use the shampoo that Edward loved and waited for him to show up. Normally I would do homework but we were still on Christmas break so I had none to do. I grabbed a book and began to read it from the point where it fell open. It didn't matter where that was because I had read King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table a million times. Not counting the times when Edward and I read it together. We loved that book!

Right on schedule, Edward tapped on my window and I did the half-scoot, half-slide across the floor in my socks. I opened the window and Edward slid in like a cat burglar that was about to make off with a bundle of cash from the vault. I guess it shouldn't surprise me at all; he had been doing that exact move for a little over eight years now. You would think that practice would make perfection by this point in time. Besides, Edward was good at everything so it was only natural that he would be good at scaling walls and climbing in windows as well.

His long legs unfolded and dropped down onto my side of the window sill. I couldn't help but marvel at the grace and beauty that was captured in his every move. He made the simplest moves look so effortless and graceful. He should have been a dancer, what a pair we would have made. I bet that would have pissed Renee off to the extreme to know that there was no way she could keep us apart if he was a dancer as well. I gave a small snicker at that thought.

Edward turned and lifted one eyebrow in question to me. I waved my hand to dismiss him but he grabbed my hand and placed a small kiss right in the middle of my palm. Each and every time he kissed me, my body begged for more. I wanted it all with him. I knew that we were too young to worry about going all the way but it still didn't stop my body from wanting it.

My arm was tugged and he pulled me in closer to his body. My breath stuttered and he smirked at me. I had told him time and again what he did to me. He laughed when I told him that I called it 'dazzling me'. He shrugged it off but it happened all the time. Every time we're together in fact.

I was always amazed at the fact that this handsome creature with all of his talent had decided to grace me with his friendship. In fact for the last year or so even more than a friendship. I knew that Edward called me his girlfriend, but I worried that it was just the 'next step' for him. I knew he had more potential and never needed me so I was scared to define it or gave us a name. I just simply said 'more' in my head. He placed a small kiss on my cheek and I wanted to pout. But I knew that all the real kissing would take place later tonight after Renee and Charlie went to bed. It always did.

His smile told me of the promise of more to come, just like I had suspected, so I pulled away when he released my face from his grip.

We settled down on the floor at the foot of my bed. It was away from the door and was easy enough for Edward to scoot under the bed if Renee came up to talk to me. She very rarely did but Edward had to do the death crawl once or twice in his lifetime of being in my room. We laugh about it now but at the time both of us thought we were caught for sure.

He pushed the book away and turned to face me. This was his signal for we need to talk. I panicked slightly and then forced myself to relax. I knew that it was nothing major or else I would have been able to see it in his demeanor. I just had to be patient and wait for him to spill it.

See that was the way Edward was. He over analyzed everything. He always had. I never had difficulty trusting his judgment about things because I knew that he never made them lightly. Every single decision was put through enough scrutiny and thought that you would think they were all a life or death situation. It was just the way that Edward approached things. He never took things lightly.

He realized that my feet were bandaged and asked me about them. I told him about Renee's persistence as he wrapped his very skilled hands around my feet and began to message them. It felt like heaven as he worked the tired, sore muscles. I almost wanted to cry at the tenderness and sincerity that he exuded as he massaged them. It astounded me the way that Edward always knew exactly what I needed. I guess all our years of friendship had paid off for us. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. Edward seemed to take it one step further. His intuition was so clear that at times you would swear that he could read minds. Well mine at least.

We spent the next hour or so tickling, teasing and joking around. I made him tell me about his day and how band practice went. He had me show him a few new sections of choreography that we learned while he watched me. He always had time to learn every single piece of music to the production that I danced to, no matter how many there were. And he always made time to come to watch me dance at least once. It was more than I could say for myself. I guess that was the difference between my parents and his. His parents were happy to allow Edward to be his own person, mine…well it was just Renee. She was so hell bent on making me all she never became that she forgot to ask what I wanted.

I love Ed and Liz because their home was warm and loving, never any judgment was placed, even when the mistake was a huge one. It was discussed and then a fair punishment was established. It was the polar opposite to my house.

It's funny how I disassociate my father in all of this. I guess Charlie is a lot like me. He figures that I am not being hurt in any way, so he has no real need to get involved. To his credit I always tell him how much I want this. And it really is what I want; I just want some freedom to live a normal teenaged life at the same time. That is the part that Renee doesn't understand. It was the way she was raised and she loved every single minute, so she didn't see my side of things. I know that she loved me, without a doubt she loved me. She had just lost sight of her compassion in her drive to make me the best.

I realized that I had zoned out when Edward's hands wrapped around my neck and pulled me towards him so that his lips could touch mine.

"Hey, where'd you go?" He asked after his mouth grazed mine. I sighed and relaxed even further. This was the time of the day that I lived for. As much as I loved ballet and all it brought me, it was nothing compared to the way I felt when I was with Edward. I know that I was a little standoffish without him. I almost closed down and retreated into myself. I just saw no point in letting the other dancers and my mother see the real me. The other dancers will just use it against me and hurt me with my own life. And with Renee…well there was no need to show her me. She saw what she wanted and I would again get hurt by her lack of concern about what I really wanted.

So I lived two lives. One during my daytime hours when I was around all the other people in my life and one after ten at night when Edward snuck through the window to talk with me for a few hours. Only one was the real me, the only time I felt comfortable enough to let my guard down and really be myself. I loved Edward for the fact that he cared enough to let me relax enough to do that. Not only that but he protected me, it was almost as if I were a turtle that shed its shell. It is soft and vulnerable, so he protects me so that no one else can hurt me while I am in that state.

He kissed me a few more times and I relished in his love. I enjoyed being close to him so I snuggled in even further. When his body shifted I knew immediately that he was ready to talk. So I moved away slightly and waited. His hands picked up my feet again and began to massage again.

"Princess, I need to talk to you about something." His voice had a slight tenseness to it so it scared me.

"Is this a good talk or a bad talk?" I prepared for the worse and hoped for the best. I pulled my legs away from him so that I could get some distance, I knew that I would not be able to concentrate if he touched me and I knew I needed to concentrate when he spoke to me tonight. When he reached for his pocket and pulled out a letter to hand over to me, I wasn't sure if this should make me relax further or tense up more.

I opened it and recognized the letterhead immediately so my eyes scanned the letter and it took all of me to stop the whoop that wanted to escape my mouth. I couldn't help but show him how proud of him I was. This was exactly what I had dreamed of earlier, this was our chance to be together and there was nothing Renee could do about it. He would have every right to be there just as I would. I couldn't imagine a better outcome to our lives than this. I kissed his face and tried my best to hold in the giggles all at the same time.

All at once I realized that he said this could go either way, so I expressed that thought as a question. He pulled another letter from his other pocket and my heart sunk. He had two offers. I read that letter and almost screamed. I could see all of my dreams going down the drain.

I knew that Edward loved all aspects of his music but what teenager wanted to spend his time playing classical music to a bunch of stuffed shirts each and every night. He wanted to rock his head with his long Mohawk and eyeliner. He wanted a crowd where his piercings and tattoo's fit in, where he could play his music and not be condemned for it. The tears popped up in my eyes and I blinked to hold them at bay. I knew without a doubt which offer he would take. It made the most sense for him and only because I had more selfish motives did it clash with my ideals for him.

We argued back and forth about him applying for this and he countered with the fact that the scout came to them, they didn't ask for this. It should have been an honor that a band as young as Rage had an honest to goodness talent scout interested in them. Offering them a contract to tour, it should have been an honor but to me it wasn't. It was a curse.

It was a few long, tense moments before I finally spoke. "So, you've made your choice then?" I wanted it to come out softer than it actually did. I guess that was the hurt showing.

His face paled and he struggled to answer me, I finally saw how conflicted he was. "No…yes…maybe?" His last word came out as a question. He ran a hand through his hair, a clear sign of his nervousness and I had to move. I had to find a way to beg him not to take the tour, to not choose the option that would pull us apart even further. I paced and watched his face as his emotions changed with each second.

"Which one do you want the most?" It was a stupid question but I had to know. I had to hear him say this for himself. I couldn't assume here.

"That's not a fair question, Princess." He wanted both, I could see it, and he wanted the option that would allow him to play his music his way but yet stay with me at the same time. Well that wasn't possible.

"No, you see, dear Knight, it is a very fair question. One of them leads you to me and a small taste of some freedom for us. While the other leads you to the big, open world full of all of the freedom you can handle." I spat at him. I knew it was more than unfair to punish him for something he hadn't even done yet but I couldn't help it. I saw his future all laid out for him if he took the tour. It would contain all the girls, booze, and drugs he wanted. It would include late nights with no one there to quell the loneliness, so he would cure it with whoever was around. It was heartbreaking. So being the stupid, teenage girl that I was, I wanted to hurt him just the same.

He tried to appease me, "Princess." I stopped his talk as soon as he began.

"You aren't choosing me." I stated simply. Because that is what it came down to. I should have thought this through and put myself in his situation but I couldn't. My emotions didn't give a shit about things like fairness and what he wanted. We only cared for ourselves. We cared that the one person in life that had never let me down, was now letting me down. He was my one. He was the person that I went to in order for it to all be made better. He was the one that I could call on no matter what and now he wanted me to be okay with the fact that he would no longer be there. He would be half way around the world from me, with his band mates, his groupies and his Lord knows what else he would have.

He pleaded and I yelled back. I should have been afraid that Renee and Charlie would hear me but I just didn't care. My world was falling apart. I couldn't have cared less right now, if they heard or knew.

Edward tried to plead and use the excuse that Renee would never allow us to be together no matter his position and part of me wanted to listen and calm down. But I couldn't. He tried to explain that the symphony option wouldn't allow him to expand his career and it sounded reasonable but I wanted no part of it. I wanted him and would accept nothing less than that option.

He spoke and spoke until I saw the hopelessness of either situation. It made my heart break a little further. He was right, we were sixteen year olds with no choice but to follow our paths until we were adults and could choose for ourselves. Well he could, I couldn't.

I said the only thing I knew to say after all of our talking. "I don't know how to live without you." He had no idea how accurate that statement actually was. I was terrified.

My heart sung when he responded, "I simply do not know how to live without you either." At least I was not alone in this. He was here with me.

"I love you, Knight."

"I love you too, Princess." He kissed my forehead and I blinked furiously to quell the tears that remained. This time I felt them because of the love and loss, not the anger.


	9. 5A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably one of my most favorite chapters out of this fic….and I can't wait to hear all of your reactions. (bnjwl whispers...this is my second favorite, got my favorite favorite coming up later but this one is good! Real good!)

EPOV

This party is lame and all I see around me are people who want a piece of my so-called fame. None of them mean anything to me; I don't know why I'm even here.

There was only one place I wanted to be and that wasn't possible so I decided to get fucked up instead.

I grabbed a beer out of the cooler and started to walk through the crowded room.

"Hi Eddie," some skanky girl said, grabbing my arm as I passed her by. She pulled me around to face her as she leaned into me. I was in the middle of a crowd and to the casual observer it looked intimate between us, but it was far from that. I didn't even know her name much less wanted to be with her in any way.

I yanked my arm back and scowled at her, "Don't touch me."

"Come on, don't be that way." She purred and moved close enough that her pointy breasts brushed up against my chest.

"I said don't touch me," I growled through gritted teeth.

"Fine." She stepped back with her hands up in front of her. "Guess you aren't worth it after all."

She turned and made her way through the crowd as I turned and went the opposite direction.

I finally spotted an empty chair just inside the front entrance and pushed through the throngs of people until I was able to sit down, alone and undetected.

I nursed my beer and wished that Jasper were here so I could score a joint or two for the weekend. But, he was busy with his family this weekend. We'd be back on the road in a few weeks so he was obligated to spend time with them.

I knew that my Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle were in town for a few days because they'd been at my graduation. I should probably make time for them but, they understood that I was a young man that needed to be around friends. At least I hoped they did.

Friends. What a joke, because I'd probably never speak to anyone in this room but Eric and Garret after tonight.

There was only one person that mattered to me and she wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this, or so I thought.

I scanned the room; I hoped to find someone that might have some weed. There were plenty of people here that probably would be able to help me with that one request. I just wasn't sure that they could help me out and be discreet about it. So that was another failure for tonight.

Just when I thought this awful night couldn't get any worse I looked up and saw Bella walk into the room. She looked scared and nervous but like she was on a mission. I watched her from my perch as she looked my way then continued to scan the room for anyone but me.

She looked as beautiful as always. Her dark brown hair stretched down the middle of her back, long and loose while her legs stretched on for miles in the short skirt that she wore.

My body was on fire for her and my mind reeled with the fact that she was here, at this party, tonight. She was in my environment, completely out of her element. It stunned me that here I sat alone, craving her and she walked in.

We hadn't spoken since last June when she snuck a phone call to me on my cell phone. I'd been on the road with band and she was about to leave for Europe. She begged me to come to Europe with her but she knew good and well that I couldn't do that.

I watched her walk through the room before she finally spotted someone she knew and said hi. They offered her a drink and she took it. That scared me, because who knew what was really being served up in those red cups.

I was able to watch her for a few minutes before her eyes scanned the room and landed back on me. Our eyes locked and it was like everything else faded away. Time spun around us and we were thrust right back into our own little bubble.

She started to walk towards me, our eyes never left the other's as she stalked towards me like I was her prey. God knows that I was definitely her prey...she was always and will forever be my kryptonite.

"Hi," she softly said once she stood in front of me.

"Hi, Princess," I smiled back at her with that smile that was meant only for her. I patted my thigh for her to sit down. She hesitated for a moment, then smiled at me and sat down.

I instantly took a deep whiff of her intoxicating aroma. It made my dick hard and my heart ache for her in a way that I could never explain to anyone but her.

"I've missed you," I whispered, deep and husky, into her ear. I felt her shiver and settle back into my side.

Her face turned towards mine and our eyes locked again, "I've missed you so much, Knight." There was so much emotion in her shaky voice.

I leaned in and brushed my lips against her as we both moaned at the impact. It didn't take but a few seconds for the kiss to deepen as our passion reignited.

She turned and locked her arms around my neck as my arms held her tight to my body. When we pulled back for air I whispered in her ear, "Let's get out of here, go somewhere private."

She nodded her assent and slid off my lap. Her hand locked itself into mine as we made our way to the back door of the house. I knew the pool house was empty so that's where I headed.

I pulled her tight against me and wrapped my arm around her waist once we were outside and on the stone path to our destination.

I opened the door and let her walk in first, I looked around to make sure that no one saw us before I shut and locked the door behind me. Within two seconds I had her pushed against the wood of the door and my lips crashed down on hers in a heated kiss.

I ground my hard cock against her belly before she brought her legs up to wrap around me. My hands settled on her ass and we both moaned at the instant friction that we created with our bodies when they perfectly aligned.

"I need you, Bella...oh God, how I need you," I murmured against her neck as my lips made their way around her skin. I made sure to taste every inch I could reach.

Her hands were in my hair as she held my head firm against her, "Please Edward...make me yours once and for all." Her voice was breathy and full of need in her request.

That was all I needed to hear as I pulled her off the door while she clung around me with her arms and legs. My eyes scanned the space and I quickly made my way across the room to the small bed in the corner.

"Are you sure, Bella?" I asked once I laid her down and looked into her pleading eyes.

"Yes, Edward...I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life. I belong to you, I belong with you, I always have and I always will," she said tenderly as her tiny hands slowly ran up my arms up under the sleeves of my t-shirt.

"Always, Bella. I'll always belong to you and only you." I reached down and pulled the hem of my shirt up and over my head. She gasped when she saw my nipple piercings and tattoo over my heart.

Her shaking fingers traced the outline of the ballet slippers around the neck of a swan just over my heart. "When?" Her eyes met mine again as she continued to stroke my ink.

"When I was on the road last summer...it just felt like a small piece of you was with me," I said and looked down to where her fingers traced the outline of the swan.

"I love you, Edward. I'm so sorry," she said as I looked down at her as the tears gathered in her beautiful chocolate eyes.

"Shhh, baby...no, none of that. I know that you love me. It was hard on both of us, but we're here, now...that's all that matters." I said as I lay down on top of her, between her legs, and wrapped my arms under her. My long arms allowed my hands free to caress her cheeks.

Her arms wrapped around my back as her fingers began to play with my hair at the nape of my neck. It felt like heaven to be this close to her, to feel her hands on my body, to feel her body under mine.

"I want you, Bella. All of you." I said as my nose began to nuzzle against her cheek and down to her ear where I ran my tongue around the shell of it.

She shivered under me, "Please, Edward...take me, make me yours in every way." Her voice pled with me and I couldn't have that.

"I could never deny you anything, Princess." My hands began to run up under her shirt and cup her small but firm breasts.

"Edward..." her voice was full of want and need as I pulled her shirt up over her head and pulled down the cups of her blue bra.

Those beautiful little nipples just liked I'd always imagined made my dick grow even harder, if that were possible.

"Fuck, Bella." I murmured just before I sucked it deep within my mouth. Her back arched up and her hands locked behind my head as she held me to her.

The moan that escaped her mouth almost made me cum right then and there.

"I don't have any protection." I announced as I popped off her tit and looked up at her.

She shook her head, "It's okay, we don't need it."

I wasn't sure what she meant by that but if she wasn't worried, neither was I.

Our passion ignited once again and soon we were naked, basked only in the moonlight that shone through the window beside us, and I was suddenly scared shitless.

"Go slow." She whispered just as I pushed at her entrance.

Our eyes locked again and I could see the terror in her eyes, "Do you want to stop?" I questioned her before I got too far to end this.

"No...just...I've never...and you're so big..." She blushed at that revelation and I couldn't help but smirk at her.

"I'll go slow, baby, I've never either. It's only for you...I've told you that and I'll continue to tell you that all our lives." I leaned down to kiss her and slowly began to push into her.

Fuck, she was tight and hot...the slick heat was enough to drive me mad. So I reached down and intertwined our fingers as I felt her barrier and stopped. I pulled her hands up over her head, "Are you ready, Princess? There's no going back after this," my voice was barely a whisper above her pants for breath.

"Yes...I love you, Knight." She whispered as I pushed further into her and felt her tense up.

"I love you too, Princess." I stilled my actions and gave her a minute as I noticed a single tear roll down her cheek.

"Move, please...Edward...I'm alright." She reassured me as the need to thrust became almost too great for me to control.

I pulled out slow and pushed back in as I felt her legs come up to wrap around my hips.

"Fuck, Bella...so tight." I whimpered as I tried so hard not to just let go and fuck her hard. I knew this was painful for her but she felt way too good wrapped around my cock.

"Mmmm." She moaned with her head thrown back as I began to move faster and felt myself slide deeper inside of her.

We both moaned and groaned, each one that fell from her mouth pushed me closer and closer to the edge. It was indescribable to know that I made Bella feel this way. Before I was ready for it be to be over, I felt the tightening in my balls and knew that I wouldn't be able to wait much longer.

"Bella, I'm so close..." I whined as she clenched down around me and whimpered my name. That was my undoing and my orgasm ripped through my body and I filled her with my own release.

I couldn't breathe from the intensity of it all as I lay with her , all the while I tried to keep my weight off her tiny body.

"That was perfect." She finally whispered a few minutes later. I raised my head to see her sparkling eyes as they peered back at me.

"It was...and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life doing exactly that with you." I smiled and whispered back. I moved further up the bed and pulled her into my arms.

I moved a strand of hair out of her eyes and held her face for a minute, "You are so beautiful, Princess."

She smiled and then blushed, "So are you, Knight."

We laid there for a few minutes, drunk off the sight of each other before I noticed her slight wince when she shifted to get comfortable.

"Let's go take a shower and wash off. You need some aspirin for the pain, too." She started to protest before I put a finger against her lips.

"Just let me take care of you, baby." I begged as she finally nodded her head. I slid off the bed to stand and she slowly moved to stand beside me, almost like she was embarrassed for me to see her nude.

She was thin, too thin, but then again, she had always been petite.

I led her into the small bathroom and flipped on the light, careful not to ogle her naked form as she already seemed self-conscious.

I started the water and grabbed us a few towels before I stepped in and held out my hand.

We talked about all that had been going on in our lives the past few months and what we had on our schedules for the next few months. She beamed with pride as she told me about her being asked to return to Europe. Sadness took over on her face when she relayed that she had to leave in a few days to go.

My heart sank at the thought of us being apart again. We were graduated, we were free and I hoped that this unexpected meeting between us was the start of our lives together, but, I knew that this time we'd be in contact. This time wouldn't be like the last time.

I offered to get her a cell phone with an international plan on it so that we could talk without Renee interfering. She agreed and I told her that I'd sneak off tomorrow afternoon to go get it.

After we'd soaped up and rinsed, she asked for a few minutes alone in the shower, so I kissed her and stepped out to dry off.

I walked back into the room and slipped on my boxers. I figured that she would be too sore to have sex again tonight so it was better to have some clothes on.

But, gah, I sure did want to have sex with her again.

"Edward?" I heard her say behind the closed bathroom door.

"Yes, baby." I replied as I sat on the side of the bed.

"Can you bring me your t-shirt or something?" I could hear her shyness come through her voice and I had to smile to myself. That was my girl, the real Bella, the one that only I got to see.

"Sure." I said and reached down to pick it up off the floor before I walked over and knocked on the door.

"Do you need anything else?" I asked as she opened the door a crack and peeked out at me.

"No, I'll be out in a second." She called back to me.

A few minutes later Bella walked out of the bathroom wearing only my shirt that went down to mid-thigh. I wanted to see her in my clothes and out of my clothes everyday for the rest of our lives.

"Come here, Princess." I said as I patted the bed next to me. She blushed and shuffled her feet across the floor until she reached the edge of the mattress. Instead of sitting beside me, she stood between my legs.

Her hands slowly came up to cup my face as her soft fingers ran a smooth line around the outline of my jaw and cheeks. I never took my eyes off her but her soft brown eyes followed the movement of her fingers.

"My beautiful Knight, so full of metal." She said as she ran the tip of her finger around my left viper bite. "Does this metal shield you from the world as well as your sword?" She whispered as her finger traced my pierced eyebrow.

I gulped and smirked, "Nope, but it helps me let off a little of my built up rage when a new piece of metal pierces my skin."

She smiled and lifted her eyes to meet mine.

It took my breath away, "You are so beautiful, Bella." I pulled her down into my lap as I moved back on the bed. She wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I wish we could stay here, alone, together forever." She whispered and I kissed the top of her head.

"Me too, baby." My own voice was barely audible.

I laid us down and we clung to one another. I didn't know where we'd go from here but I knew that I couldn't live my life without her again, especially not now that we had an even deeper connection.

"I love you, Princess. We can make this work, right?" My eyes desperately searched hers for validation that she wanted this too.

"Yes, baby. We'll figure it out. I love you, too." She leaned forward and our lips met with the softest touch but quickly ignited into the blaring flames that soared between us.

We talked about plans and how we could be together until both of our current contracts were up. It seemed we both only had a few months to go and then we'd be free to start making a life for us together. It never seemed to amaze me how different Bella was with me and with everyone else in the world. It's like she could only let loose with me, show me the real her, while for everyone else she was guarded. I guess that was part of the attraction, that we knew each other in ways that no one else did.

Hours drifted as we talked and reconnected and eventually we both succumbed to sleep.

I felt the sun on my face just as I heard voices outside the window.

"I know she has to be here somewhere, Charlie. Edward's not home and they were spotted at the party together. I'm not leaving here until I find her." I heard Renee's annoying voice yell just a few feet outside the very bed where I lay with Bella wrapped in my arms.

I didn't want to cause her any further trouble and I knew I'd see her later tonight so I kissed her forehead, extracted her body from mine and slipped into my vans. I watched her for a few seconds so I could memorize those last moments from the night we shared.

I crawled out the back window as I heard Charlie and Renee arguing by the front door to the pool house. I knew it was only a matter of time before they caught us. I refused to give Renee any more ammunition than necessary so I quickly jumped the fence and made my way to my car parked a few houses down.

I drove home and dashed to my room as quiet as possible. I almost made it when I heard my dad yell at me from the bottom of the stairs, "Edward...we need to talk."

I turned around from the top step and nodded at him, "Can I shower first?"

He nodded back and I headed to my room. I wanted to get a note to Bella to let her know the reason that I'd left so abruptly this morning so I texted Jasper's little sister, Jessica to see if she'd take it to her for me.

She texted me back a few hours later after I'd gotten the fifth degree from my dad about staying out with Bella all night.

She's gone, E. Her dad said that her and her mom left for Europe an hour ago.

Fuck.

How the hell do I fix this now?


	10. 5B

Bella

I performed at the final dance of the year; I had finally made the Prima for my school. All my work and effort had paid off. It thrilled me that I had the title of Prima under my belt for the dance troupes I would apply for this summer. I knew that it would help my status and positions there.

After a flawless dance, I convinced Renee, with Charlie's help, to allow me to attend a Graduation party. I convinced her to let me go out even though I would have to fly out tomorrow morning to audition in Paris again. This would be the second year that I would dance with the French troupe and I was so excited. I felt like I had the world by the strings and couldn't wait to command it. Well…almost. I still had the problem of my severe depression because I missed Edward. He was everything to me, he allowed me to be me and I missed him. The conflict of emotions came out by way of my binges and purges. I lost more weight, and I noticed that the girls no longer complimented me but that they whispered about me behind my back. Mademoiselle and Renee both seemed happy so I didn't let it get to me. I went to the party determined to have a good time before I left behind all I knew to travel the world.

I knew from the moment I stepped through the front door that Edward was here. I watched him from afar: he had kept his distance since that night at my house. It killed me that he did, but it was what I asked for, so it shouldn't surprise me that he did it.

He looked amazing. After all the years of our friendship, I noticed the small things, he was thinner and his eyes didn't hold the same amount of happiness that they did years before. But I heard the rumors and congratulations that people gave him for the fact that he landed the national tour and record contract. It hurt me that he didn't tell me that himself. Then I remembered that it was me that pushed him away at the beginning of the year. So in a way it was my own fault that I didn't know. I sort of followed him around and pretended not to notice him as I moved from room to room. It worked for awhile.

That was until our gazes met across the room. He beckoned me with his eyes but my heart had already begun to move to him. He patted his leg and I sat without question. We talked, we kissed and before I knew it, I begged for more from him. At least inside my mind I did. He must have felt the same because we ended up alone in the pool house. How we got there I had no idea. He walked and I followed, we were like magnets.

He kissed me and I felt his new tongue ring. I loved the way it felt as it pressed against my tongue. I imagined how it would feel pressed against other parts of me. I squirmed as those thoughts passed through my head. Edward took it as encouragement and pulled me over so that I straddled his lap. I felt his erection and pressed down onto it. His hands undressed and worshiped me. He felt so warm and safe. I knew without a doubt that I loved him as he moved over me.

When his bare skin touched mine I felt like I would burst into flames. I felt his love, I felt his need and felt how perfect we were together. I also felt his regret for the way our lives turned out. It was evident in the reverent way he touched me. I had always felt his pull for his music and knew without a doubt that no matter what happened here tonight, we would both go back to our own routines, our own vices; our own lives come tomorrow morning.

It was alright with me because I had him for this one moment in time. It was me that made him feel this way, it was me that made him moan and push against me harder.

He was slow as he entered me for the first time, my first time. He whispered sweet words to me. He told me that it was his first time as well, that he waited for me, and he told me how long he had loved me. How much he wanted and dreamed about this moment. He told me how fucking good I felt wrapped around him, which only made me want him all the more.

I urged him deeper, and pushed on his naked ass until he sped up. We found our rhythm together. His hands touched me and pushed my body to feel things it had never felt before, his words encouraged me to let go and enjoy our time together.

I shifted my hips and he hit the elusive spot that I had heard of but never experienced before. I exploded around him and he followed right behind me.

He was way too sweet to me as we showered. He tried not to look at my body and this left me conflicted. Part of me wanted him to look and the other part of me didn't. I wanted him to see me and to want me but I was so scared that I didn't measure up to other girls. He brought me his shirt and I felt like the Queen of the world wrapped in it. We fell asleep wrapped around each other, it was perfection.

I awoke alone and semi dressed. I heard my dad as he shouted in the yard outside the pool house and knew that I was in deep shit. I had stayed out all night. I disobeyed Renee.

Edward was nowhere in sight, in fact there wasn't even a sign that he had even been there. If it weren't for the fact that I wore only his shirt I would have assumed that it was all a dream. I needed to get my clothes on before anyone came in. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this; this was only for Edward, and I only shared this part of myself with him. I fumbled around and grabbed what I could find. I saw my shirt and skirt, the most important parts.

My breasts were small so I could do without the bra and no one would know that I walked away without any underwear on, so I threw on the parts that I found as fast as I could and laid back down to appear that I had just fallen asleep to explain why I was gone all night. Charlie yanked open the door and I passed my hands over my body to make sure that I now had all of my clothes in place. They felt normal so I sat up and rubbed my sleepy eyes for effect.

Charlie looked relieved to see me and pulled me up off of the bed for a hug. I don't know if he had any idea what took place but either way I disobeyed my mother because I had stayed out all night. I expected some punishment.

"Bella, you scared the shit out me and your mother. I have been looking for you for almost an hour." He wrapped his large hand around my shoulders and gently pulled me towards the door. I felt so confused, he had just found me, asleep in a pool house and yet he wasn't angry. It was probably a stupid move but I couldn't help but ask him about it.

"I…I'm not in trouble?" I managed to stutter.

"Trouble? Hell no, you've been an excellent child, never done anything like this before. I think if you decide to spend your last night as a student at a wild party and fall asleep, not driving home in who knows what condition, who am I to yell at you?" His eyes crinkled at the corners and I knew that he was about to reveal a fact about himself as a teenager. He looked the appropriate amount of ashamed and proud as he explained. "Hell, I had done worse at so much younger, so no, you're not in trouble. At all!" He took a deep breath and let it out. "Now let's get you home before your mother has a stroke." He hugged me to him as we walked back towards the main house. I followed him out and was assaulted by my mother right away.

Last night she made it clear that we had an early flight to catch and she demanded that I get home before ten. I heard my dad in the background as he told her to let me stay out later but she wouldn't budge. At the time I agreed with her and intended to head home, but that was until I saw Edward in the corner. After that all bets were off. I threw caution to the wind and did what I wanted. I was eighteen years old and had never even been to a party that wasn't thrown by my dance troupe or one that wasn't chaperoned by my mother, so I thought that I deserved to stay out this one time.

She narrowed her eyes at me as she took me in. She knew what had happened last night, now the only question was…did she know with whom? I was not surprised when she marched across the small space and pulled me by the wrist like I was an unruly child that she needed to discipline. She didn't let my hand go until I was back in the car with her-obviously my dad would drive my car home- she let my hand go when her phone rang and she needed to answer it. I jerked my arm back into my lap and wondered where the hell Edward went. I found it hard to believe that he would leave me after last night but he wasn't with me when I woke up so I had no idea what to make of that. I was so confused.

We got home and I rushed to get things together so we could leave for the airport. Renee walked into my room and watched as I rushed around. She began to condemn me and talked about how stupid I was if I were willing to throw away all my hard work for one night of partying. I listened and answered appropriately while I showered, changed and gathered my bag to head to the airport.

I kissed my dad and he wished me good luck.

The drive to Seattle was quiet and it made me miss Edward. I could still feel his hands on me and his lips as they ghosted across my skin. I missed the way he made me feel, the things he did to my body, I missed it all. And it was without a doubt clear to me that I loved him. For all the things he had done for me and the unconditional love that he gave me, from the first day we met to last night.

I just prayed that I could reconnect with him when I got back from Paris. When I was an adult and could make my own decisions without Renee's input. I would finally be able to choose him without feeling like I had to give anything else up.

When I woke up on the airplane, I remembered that I had just spent the best night of my life, wrapped up with Edward. We finally admitted to each other that we were in love. Not just friends like I told myself, but love. He felt for me what I felt for him. I thought back on the night and could still feel his touch on my skin. His lips on mine and his body pressed against me. I tingled all over and it was hard to tell if it was from the excitement of knowing that he felt the same as me or if it was the left over sensations of the night.

I had to let it all go for now and prepare for the auditions. I knew that after what we shared he would find a way to contact me. He knew how to get in touch with Jessica and she would pass me a message. I prayed that he would find me.

I danced my heart out each day at practice and then each night for our performances. I had never received so much praise from Mademoiselle before. She doted over me and it felt nice. Renee had even loosened up a little and I was given some freedom. Maybe because we were in Paris and Edward wasn't, who knew. I didn't question it.

Twice Jessica came to me to speak to me and each time Renee would show up so Jessica would pretend that it was nothing. I prayed that it meant that Edward had tried to contact me. I would wait Renee out, at some point I would be alone and Jessica could tell me what she really needed to tell me. It seemed that every single time Jessica approached me, Renee was there. Renee seemed to know that Jessica was my last link to Edward and was bound and determined to keep us apart as best as she could! Little did I know that my last line would get severed when Jessica's dad had a massive heart attack and she returned home at the end of summer. I felt lost and hopeless without her. Not that she was ever that close of a friend, she was just my last line to him.

Renee thought she could keep me away from Edward, that we were no good for each other. What she didn't know was that I spent each and every night with thoughts of Edward in my head, and all the things we had done and said to each other that night. It was something she couldn't take away from me.

Three months had gone by since our graduation party and I had no idea where Edward was. My hope waned a little but I still wanted to believe that he loved me. That he wanted us to be together. I had to hold on to that belief. I had to, he was all I had. I went to bed and tried to remember that night one more time for my sanity.

The next morning I heard voices and sat straight up. The voices were indistinguishable but I knew deep down this was not good. The mere tone alone told me this and the other part that scared me was that I was alone.

I clued in on my mother's phone conversation when it seemed she spoke of Edward in vague terms. "He won't bother her again; he couldn't even be bothered to admit what he had done to her. He just told me how good she was, that's all." I stepped out of my room and into the living room to hear her better, she slapped her hand against her thigh and sneered at me when my face paled at her words. "Can you believe that Charlie?" My father spoke through the phone but I couldn't understand what he said. After a few minutes Renee hung up and I sat down. I knew that I wanted to question her about the phone call but I needed to sit to hear the answer. It would hurt me so bad if he had said anything about me, or decided that I wasn't what he wanted. "Why did you and daddy talk about Edward?" Renee sneered at me again.

"Well, Bella, he was interviewed and asked about his many women. He said he had plenty so he never got attached. So the reporter said that she interviewed him before and at that time he said he had a girlfriend that he grew up with. She asked him about you, I assumed it was you, and she said that she was just a fling and meant nothing to him. That he had grown past that childish thing." My face paled and I almost passed out. Renee took the chance to give her 'I told you so' speech. "Bella, I told you that you needed to move on from him. That he would never amount to the caliber of performer that you would and eventually he would tire of trying to be good enough for you. So, now." She tapped the table as she spoke. "Here it is in print, now will you believe me?" I just nodded and left the room.

I just wanted to crawl into a small hole and die. I gave him all of me, my heart, my soul and my virginity and he treated me like a groupie that he could just discard after his night of fun. I felt so used and cheap. I wanted to hate Edward but I knew that his new lifestyle probably had more to do with his change than anything else. I was certain that I would never trust him with my heart again. And part of me wanted to deny it was the truth, but on what basis? For all that my mother had done to me, to lie to me was something she had never done.

I shut off my emotions and stumbled through a shower as my parents yelled at each other by phone over my mistake. I just tuned them out and quickly got dressed. I acted like it was just a normal day with a normal practice. In fact I told myself that it was like any other day, nothing different. I said it enough by the end of the day that I almost believed it that night when I closed my eyes and I saw Edward's face. Almost.

I danced and tried my hardest, it was enough for now. Life settled into a normal routine, I woke up, ate very little, danced for hours on end, and then ate another small meal then dropped into bed after several hours of practice for the next day.

During the day I told myself I was fine but each night I cried myself to sleep and missed Edward with all of my broken heart. I ached for him and would touch my body the exact ways he did. I hoped to recreate our night but nothing came close, I just felt alone, empty and cold. My hands were all wrong, they were too small, too chilly and didn't have the same touch as his guitar roughened hands did. No matter how hard I worked at it, it was never the same.

My heart and head argued with each other. My heart said that he never would have said those words to me if he didn't mean them. Edward was not a liar, he just wouldn't have said it at all. I knew he felt something, I just didn't know how deeply or if my mother had succeeded in pulling us apart again.

My head told me he got what he wanted and ducked out when he was done. I mean, what else could I think since he wasn't there with me the next morning. He didn't care enough about me to stay and try to fight with my mother for me to stay with him in Forks. This line of thinking just left me feeling emotionally exhausted and alone. So I gave up and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up at a little after six. I jumped out of bed and ran to Renee's room to check on her. She always woke me up and I knew that something must be wrong since she hadn't come to do the same this morning. I found her huddled in the bathroom around the pretty white porcelain toilet. She looked like she had spent most of the night there. I helped her get back in bed, called for some broth and tea from room service as I dressed and made my way to rehearsal.

Exactly three days later I woke up in the middle of the night and repeated the same week that Renee had the week before. Vomiting, fever, more vomiting and then to top it all off, a little more vomiting. The stomach bug ran through the whole troupe so we cancelled rehearsal for two weeks to let everyone get well again and to not spread it any longer.

Three weeks later I still vomited off and on. Renee worried that I had weakened my immune system and would not be able to shake the bug, which translated to the fact that I would be replaced because I couldn't dance without incident. So she took me to the doctor's office. I was dropped off while she went to try to talk to Mademoiselle and convince her that I would be fine and could dance without any further problems.

At first I was afraid without her with me but then when the doctor delivered my diagnosis I was thrilled that she wasn't with me. Because I knew she would have wrapped her hands around my neck and choked the living daylights out of me, right then and there. Then she would hunt down Edward Masen because he had gotten me pregnant and walked away from me. I dreaded when I had to tell her and Mademoiselle but deep down inside I was thrilled, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.

I could be free now, I would find Edward tell him and we could be together. Then the next thought threw me into a tailspin, what if he didn't want a baby? I mean his career had just taken off and now I would saddle him with this?

I just had to have faith that he would still love me and our baby.

I walked out of the clinic on cloud nine, I always wanted to be a mother but assumed that dream had died when I became serious about my ballet. Most women who put their bodies through the years of training and weight control usually had trouble conceiving, so I just figured it was no longer an option.

The fact that the stars aligned and I became pregnant with the man that I loved most in the world, when it was almost impossible for me to do that…well, it made me all the more determined to keep the baby, even if Edward didn't want any part of us. I mean such a gift from God, for a person who has been told that it would be all but impossible to conceive, it was too good to be true. I would guard this baby with my life and love it with every ounce of strength that I had.

When I got back to the apartment I would call Edward and tell him, if he chose to come and get us then great, if not then fine. I would live on the money I had made so far and we would be fine. Suddenly life seemed so much better now and I couldn't wait to live it out.


	11. 6A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now…tissues might be needed….and remember to breathe.

EPOV

After a sleepless night, I decided to go speak to Charlie myself. I had to know where Bella was and how I could get in contact with her.

I had to make sure that Renee didn't destroy what had happened between us.

The problem was that Charlie wasn't sure if they'd just gone to Seattle or if they'd already left for Paris. According to his information they hadn't been due to leave for London for four more days. Renee had just told them that some things had come up and they needed to leave early. He didn't really stay on top of their comings and goings as much as he really should have as he and Renee basically lived two separate lives, even though they were married. As long as Bella was healthy and being taken care of, he seemed okay with staying oblivious. But, he apologized and slapped me on the shoulder, "She'll call when she gets a chance, boy. Don't worry I know how much my girl loves you."

Then he basically pushed me out the front door. I stood on the porch and wondered if maybe Bella left me a note or something in her room since we had made plans for me to come over last night so I could bring her the phone I was supposed to buy for her.

I waited a few hours after my encounter with Charlie then snuck up to her room. The window was unlocked so I slipped in easy enough. I turned on the little lamp on the desk to give myself some light to search around. I saw her journal, where it lay right on top of her desk. Right along with a tiny folded up piece of paper on top of it.

I grabbed it and unfolded it carefully to see her tiny, squiggly writing;

I love you …...Rescue me, Knight...I miss you so much already...I'm yours always...Princess

I folded the paper back up like she had it originally and tucked it into my pocket. I stared down at her journal as it lay on her desk. The temptation was too great, so I opened it.

There tucked inside the first page was another note; Read me and know how much I've missed you.

It was her thoughts and feelings over the past year that we'd basically been away from each other. I felt the tears on my cheeks before I even realized that I was crying. I knew that these thoughts were precious to Bella and for her to leave them for me, so that I knew without a doubt how she felt, it blew me away. I shouldn't have been surprised since she always took such good care of me. When she could she did. I didn't hold her accountable for anything else other than that.

I tucked the book into my back pocket and crawled out the window to head home.

Once I got to my room, I got comfortable and pulled out the journal to read. The first entry was the night she kicked me out of her room.

A few hours later I heard a small knock on my door followed by my mother's head as it peeked into my room.

"You want some dinner? It's on the table." Her eyes noticed the book in my hands and then she smiled at me. "What's that you're reading? You've been holed up in here all afternoon." She came in and sat on the edge of the bed next to me.

"Mom, can I trust you with something like, really, really personal?" I asked as I sat up against the headboard.

She smiled at me and ran a finger across my forehead to move some hair from my eyes.

"Son, my sweet baby boy, you can talk to me or your dad about anything...you should know that by now." Elizabeth's green eyes twinkled as she spoke.

I smiled and looked down to Bella's journal before I looked back to my mother's face, "I'm going to marry Bella. Last night with her was the greatest night of my life. I've known since I was four years old that I loved her but night before last night...that night reminded me of why I loved her."

My mother's hands grasped mine, "I've always known that the two of you belonged to each other, Edward."

"Then why does Renee insist on trying to keep us apart?" I asked and hoped that maybe she'd have some answers for me.

She let out a deep breath, "Renee had dreams of her own once upon a time. But, an injury and then her pregnancy kept her from living out her own dreams. Then, when she couldn't have more children, it only made her focus more on Bella. She pushed that girl to become all that she couldn't be."

She stood up and walked towards the door. "I worry sometimes that she puts too much pressure on Isabella. But, Edward, you've seen Bella dance, she's a natural. Just like you, my sweet boy are a natural musician." She opened the door, smiled at me, "Dinner's getting cold."

I nodded my head and leaned back against the wooden headboard as she closed the door behind her.

I had to figure out a way to save Bella from Renee's dreams.

3 Months Later

We loaded all our gear on the bus before the road manager announced we were ready to roll. We'd just finished a gig in some town with a crowd full of faceless people. I had to be honest I didn't remember shit about it. I hadn't been able to reach Bella and I was frustrated. None of this shit mattered if she wasn't in my life.

"Eddie...mail." James, our road manager, yelled from the front of the bus.

I got up off my bunk and walked towards him with hopes that it was a letter from Bella.

I grabbed it from his hand, "Thanks." I turned the envelope over and noticed that it was postmarked from New York. My heart sped up as I lay down and stared at the piece of paper over and over. I was almost afraid to open it.

Finally my curiosity got the better of me and I ripped it open. However, it wasn't Bella's writing on the paper, well, kind of…it was a little neater than how Bella usually wrote but it was tiny like her loopy style usually is…but, I'm fucked up so it's probably from her…

Edward, stop trying to contact me. I want nothing to do with you. I have a career as a dancer. You have a career as a Rockstar. I'm over you. Now, stop calling Charlie. Stop sending messages to the Ballet Academy. Stop trying to contact me, period. Renee will destroy you and your career if you don't. She's threatened to have you charged with rape since I was still seventeen. Just leave me alone.

Bella

I was shocked and filled with rage.

She signed it with her name. She'd never, ever signed anything with her name. It was always signed Princess…maybe she truly didn't love me anymore.

My Princess was gone.

"Jazz!" I yelled across the walkway towards his bunk.

"What?" He asked as he poked his head in my direction.

"I need a hit." I said with a tense jaw and gritted teeth. I needed to numb the feelings that had built up inside of me.

Princess didn't want me? That night meant nothing to her? She wanted nothing to do with me?

All our plans meant nothing.

All our dreams amounted to shit.

"Here man," Jasper said as he handed me a handful of pills and a joint. "But, take it easy lightweight, or they'll hit ya hard."

I grabbed all that he offered and pushed him out of the way as I made my way to the back of the bus where the booze was.

I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and swallowed two of the pills followed by a long, deep pull on the bottle.

All this time I had hoped and waited to hear from her and this is what I get? A 'Dear John' letter?

Fuck that.

I plopped down on the sofa seat and lit the joint as I waited for the pills to kick in.

Two hours later, I was drunk, numb and locked inside my head, as that night in the pool house played over and over in my mind.

The days and nights all became a blur as I moved from two to three pills to eight to ten pills to numb the pain. When that didn't work anymore, I added a few lines of coke and a lot of booze.

Before I knew it I didn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I was skinny, had dark circles under my eyes and I couldn't make it through even just a few hours without a hit of something. Without my external help, Bella's face drifted across my eyes on a nonstop movie reel. I saw what we had and what I lost, what she gave away.

I hadn't talked to my parents in a few weeks and I didn't care about their concern. I didn't want to talk to them or hear about any news that they might have about my Princess.

We had two more gigs on the road then we'd be back at home for a few weeks, but I had decided that I wasn't going home. I couldn't be that close to her memory or our lives together.

I was going to California and stay fucked up on the beach.

Three days later I grabbed my darkest sunglasses as I crawled out of my bunk. I think we were in Venice Beach but I couldn't be sure.

"Hey, E, I've got some new stuff. You in?" Garrett asked as I walked towards the front of the bus.

"Fuck yes. Give me what you've got." I said as I grabbed a beer and sat down next to him.

I watched him pull out a needle and a long tube that looked like rope.

"Heroin?" I asked as I realized what he was about to do.

"Fuck yes, and it's some of the best shit I've ever had." He joked as he began to tie the tube around his bicep.

"As long as it'll help me not deal with all this shit," I said as I waved my free hand around in the air, "then I'm all in."

Fuck it, what did I have to lose at this point anyway?

Bella was gone from my life.

My parents were disappointed in me.

I played shitty songs to a bunch of fucked up teeny-boppers, night after night.

I hated my life.

I hated Bella for hurting me.

I hated myself for loving her.

"Tie me up." I said after he'd pulled the needle from his arm.

I watched as he showed me how to do it and I laid my head back against the sofa as the needle sliced through my skin.

"Fuuuck." I mumbled as the drug sped through my veins and the instant euphoria ran through my blood.

I knew I'd never give this up...I didn't care anymore.

Three Months later

The drugs didn't really work anymore, because high or not, Bella was all I still thought about. My song writing was being balked at because the songs were all to 'emo' for the bands image.

The producers wanted something more edgy, more angsty and less about love lost or pining away for love that we no longer had.

Problem was I had nothing else in the tank.

I was done. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but no one would let me. They'd even called my parents out on the road to help me, but I'd sent them away.

Fuck.

My damn phone is ringing from that unknown number, again. Unless it was that new dealer that Garrett found, I didn't want to talk to anyone, much less deal with anymore of this publicity crap.

The media outlets kept asking for pictures for a feature they were writing on me but I seriously had no interest in having the focus on me. Especially after that last bitch of a journalist made me out to be some sort of a manwhore in an article for her trashy magazine, I'd had my fill of doing any publicity.

I sighed and answered the phone, ready to rip into whoever it was.

"What the fuck do you want?" I growled into the receiver.

Nothing but silence.

"Did you fucking hear me? You just gonna ignore me now? I ain't got time for this shit, I need another fucking hit so stop fucking…." I waited to hear someone reply but all I heard was a quiet noise that sounded like a gasp of air.

Could it be? Could it finally be my Princess? "…Bella?"

"Oh, Edward." It was her. Finally, after all this fucking time, it was finally her voice on the other end of the damn phone. It made my heart hurt and I wanted nothing more than to hold her, wrap my body around hers and keep her in my arms forever.

But, something was wrong. That thought alone forced me to banish all the anger and resentment that I had lived with the past few months.

"Oh, God, baby, how are you? I've missed you so much please tell me that you are alright?" My voice sounded desperate but I didn't give a shit.

"I tried to find you, I swear I did. Are you okay?" I needed her to tell me, reassure me that she was safe, if nothing else. Because her voice sounded off.

Distant.

Hurt, and like she could fade away at any moment. I ran a hand through my hair and then lit a cigarette. I closed my eyes and imagined her in front of me so I could protect her, save her…fuck, just to touch her again would be priceless. Just see into her eyes, to know for a fact that she didn't mean anything that she wrote in that letter.

"Oh, Edward." I could hear the pain in her voice and I knew that she was crying, whether she wanted me to hear it or not. I've known her my whole life and I could read her like a book, in person or not. She was crying and I needed to get to her right the fuck now.

"I need you, Knight, it's time to rescue me. Please?" She begged me and my heart all but stopped as I tried to center my brain and focus on what I could do to get to her, like yesterday.

"Rescue you? Why on earth are you telling me this now? After you've pushed me away time and time again and then that fucking letter…I'm supposed to just forget all of that and come save you?"

She sniffled and I could tell that she was stifling her sobs.

"You…you got my letters?" She asked so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

I pulled a drag off my cigarette, "Um, yeah, Bella, I got the letter telling me to leave you the fuck alone, were there others?" I said angrily and cringed. I'd never talked to my Princess this way before.

"What are you talking about, Edward?" She said a little confused.

"The letter you sent me a few months ago telling me to leave you the fuck alone, that you were done with me," I snapped and yanked at my hair after putting out my smoke.

She gasped, "Renee!"

Fuck. I should have known…my mind tried to replay what it said, how it was written…but in a drugged out haze I had burnt it along with a nice size hole in the couch.

Fuck. I shook my head and tried to think straight, clear…coherent.

"Where are you, Princess?" I had to know where she was now, at this moment. I would hire a fucking private jet if I had to, just so that I could get to her. My Princess had called me.

She needed me.

I had to come to her rescue. I always had and I always would, no matter what the fuck I had to do to make it happen. I could sense her hesitancy. What was wrong that she was hiding from me?

Did she know about my life?

About my drug use?

Or the fact that my life was miserable without her?

"Uhhm, well can I call you back in about two hours, let me figure out how to get away from Renee and then we can meet somewhere, okay?" I didn't like this idea at all. That bitch of a mother would figure out what we were up to and try and stop us.

The problem for her was that we were both over eighteen now and she couldn't fucking stop me. Bella needed me and I'd move heaven and fucking earth to get to her. Renee and my hurting heart be damned.

"Okay, as long as you're sure you're okay?" I knew that she wasn't but I would go along with her until it proved pointless. I was here and she was wherever the fuck she was, so I had to believe her. I didn't have a choice.

"I promise I'm fine, I'll call you back in two hours and then I'll know all the details. I promise." She sounded like she was out of breath. She was tired I could hear it in her voice.

"Okay, Princess, two hours," I could hear a tiny whimper and I knew that she was crying again.

Fuck.

She needed me. I had to get to my Princess. How am I going to manage to get away from these assholes and get to her in time? I needed a fix before I went that much was for damn sure.

But, I needed my head clear. I had to protect my baby girl. I had to be the Knight for her once again.

I got up, grabbed a duffle bag and stuffed it full of clothes, my wallet and my laptop.

Two hours.

Fuck.

It felt like a lifetime as I sat and watched the seconds tick off the clock on the wall.


	12. 6B

Bella

 

I rushed home and prepared for the tantrum that I knew my mother would pitch over this. I could hear her now, you threw away all of your hard work and time for a baby. A baby?

She would never understand, she never loved me the way I already loved my baby. She couldn't, something inside of Renee was physically broken and she would never love like I do. Not in a healthy way anyway.

Her reaction was exactly as I expected it to be. She yelled, she screamed, she threatened and she threw me out. I had to stay in a hotel for three days. But I used the three days to my advantage. I called around to the people that I knew would know where Edward was. I talked to several people and they all gave me vague answers about him. It made me scared. Was I the 'has been girlfriend'? Had he moved on? I prayed that my mother was wrong and that he was not with someone else.

I left several messages at his parent's house but they never returned my calls. This only furthered my belief that he had moved on.

Renee called me one night at the hotel and asked me to come and meet with her and Mademoiselle. So I packed my things and went back to the apartment that we had lived in while we were here in Paris. The meeting was very sterile; no one spoke about things as if we actually talked about a person, about me. It was as if I was an inanimate object and that made it all okay to speak so clinically and matter of fact.

Mademoiselle relayed her disappointment. She told me how I had been destined for stardom, for Prima status and nothing less. She went on and on about my improvement over the last few months and even my ability to keep my weight down. Her final words chilled me to the bones, "The only hope in hell you have is to get rid of the baby, right now, before it's too late. Prima's don't have children; it changes their bodies to the point where they are no longer able to dance. Do it now, Bella!"

I stuck to my guns and told them both in no uncertain terms that I would keep the baby, I refused to budge. I even threatened to move back to Forks to live with Edward's parents until I could find something else to do. Renee caved, she knew it would work. Hell, she was best friends with Elizabeth for quite a few years before she became the Ice Queen and cut off everyone in Forks. She knew how caring and compassionate Elizabeth and Ed were. She knew there was no way they would turn me away. In essence she knew that if she pushed this issue, she would lose me. So, she let it go.

When the abortion option didn't work, their tactics turned. They spent the next few months pleading with me, and trying to talk me into adoption. It made sense that became the priority to them, because I was now too far along for an abortion. Renee hated me, she hated the baby and she hated Edward Masen most of all.

In her mind, he got what she wanted, me. She wanted me to submit completely to her, to do whatever she advised without question. And she never got it; the more I spent time with her the more I saw that she never would. Everything I had to give had already been given to Edward and our baby.

I knew without a doubt that my mother loved me, it was as sick twisted kind of love I would never understand, but she loved me. She had a funny way to show it, but…she loved me. She had her dreams ruined through no fault of her own, so she planned to live out her fantasies through me. This made her focus on the ballet, no matter what the cost. And somewhere along the way she stopped worrying whether or not I wanted the ballet as much as she did anymore. She tried to tell herself that it was me she looked out for, that she protected my future but she was wrong. At some point in time it stopped being about me and became about her. I knew that her intentions were good, but her execution was just too much. So much so that I knew at the end of this pregnancy that I would walk away from it all, ballet, her and the demands of my life.

Most importantly, I hoped to be able to go to Edward, and finally have that last wall between us gone. I could offer myself and our baby without any fear, hesitation or reservations.

Since I couldn't dance, Renee negotiated me a contract with the ballet troupe to help train the younger dancers and help with the costumes. I took the jobs until I could find Edward and get the hell out of Paris. Paris held nothing for me, I wanted to be back in Forks with Edward. I know that was the last thing on Renee's mind, she wanted to keep me here and around the ballet. I guess she thought that if she kept me here that I would suddenly see that ballet was my life, and I would want to give up what I had now to return to it. Well, that would never happen.

I loved both jobs very much, much to Renee's chagrin. I think she wanted me to hate the jobs and therefore begin to hate the baby that forced me to take on these menial jobs.

But I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't hate him at all.

I loved him.

At least I thought the baby was a boy, I felt like it was. People say the mother's know. Well if you ask me, I knew.

I would lie in bed at night and plan my escape, how I would pack everything up, call Edward and rush home for him to see his child. How excited he would be about the fact that we could finally be together. I prayed for some miracle that I could get in touch with him before I had the baby, so he could be there with me when it was time. I didn't want to break down and call his parents again, but if I didn't find him soon, I would. I just needed to find him.

I scurried off while Renee was out and bought some furniture from a local shop for the baby. I wanted some physical reminder that this was not a dream. I needed proof that the love that existed between Edward and I made this child. I didn't go overboard, just a simple dark wood crib with a matching changing table and a swing. That's all I purchased.

The delivery driver had just arrived at the store from a local delivery so he loaded it up and agreed to drive me and the furniture back to the apartment. I paid him extra to come up and set it up for me. He gladly agreed. By the time Renee returned home I had my bedroom suite set up for me and the baby. She was livid. Her attitude worsened each day after that, it was like the presence of the furniture reminded her in ways that she could not forget or ignore. Before the furniture showed up, she could pretend. She could not talk about it or look at my ever growing stomach, so it didn't exist. Now…she couldn't ignore it any longer. So her mood worsened day by day. She left me alone less and less the further along the pregnancy got. It was almost like she waited for my stomach to burst open and a green alien head to shoot out as it spewed bile all over both of us. She waited for something to happen so she could say 'I told you so', in some form or fashion. We now had something in common, as I hated her more and more with each day that passed as well.

I tried a number of ways to get in touch with Edward but never found him. Each time I think I got close I would find out that he had moved on to another city or hotel. I couldn't say for sure that he was avoiding me but it certainly felt like it. I loved his baby and wished for him to be with us each and every night. My heart ached for him and tried it's best to convince me that he loved me, and not used me like Renee claimed he did.

Renee took great pleasure each morning when she got up to leave the breakfast table and she was able to toss articles and pictures of Edward down. He was a new star on the rise so he was photographed everywhere he went, often with women. Lots of different women. Those tabloids also told the life of drugs that he had. Renee loved that fact. She would sit and stare at me then all of the sudden she would say, "You're going to raise a baby with a drug addict, Bella? Do you know anything about that lifestyle? How to handle Edward? What if he's violent?" She tried to scare me but it didn't work.

Besides, none of the pictures really looked like the caption made it sound but Renee certainly tried to tell me that he had moved on. Therefore so should I.

My dad tried to take a neutral position but it was hard. He was angry that I ended up in this position and wanted Edward's head on a platter for being the cause. I just wanted Edward.

I snuck out to buy some more baby stuff while Renee ran errands. I felt like a prisoner of war away from his captors for the first time. I rushed from store to store and bought whatever the hell I wanted. Anything, blue, small and adorable, I bought it. I struggled with names and prayed like hell that I would get in touch with Edward before the baby was born; I had less than two months left. That wasn't much time.

After I hit all the stores in the one section of shopping, I decided to head back to the apartment with my purchases because I was exhausted. I gathered all of the bags and placed them in one hand and pressed the button to allow me to cross the street. The night air had turned cold so I gathered my coat around me and relished the warmth it gave. Everything seemed more alive, more vivid, just somehow…more.

When I look back now, maybe it was just a trick that my mind played because it knew how that day ended.

I just remembered feeling more right then. I knew that today was the day; I was destined to find him today!

I pulled out my phone and tried one more time to reach the number for him that his friend gave me so long ago. I'm not sure why I held out hope that it would work this time, it hadn't the other nine million times I tried it. On the second ring I was prepared for Edward's thick, booze roughened voice to tell me to 'leave a fucking message and I'll get back to you when I can' but instead I got his smooth sexy and most importantly, live voice. "Yeah, I told you I would send the fucking pictures whenever I get them from Jasper, okay?" I held the phone away from my face and checked to make sure that I had dialed the right number. This was not the Edward that I knew. This Edward was surly and mean, and he sounded bitter, jaded and just plain tired.

I wanted to cry at the irony of it all.

"Did you fucking hear me? You just gonna ignore me now? I ain't got time for this shit, I need another fucking hit so stop fucking…." I ended his tirade with single gasp. "…Bella?"

"Oh, Edward." I burst into tears and wanted to hold him, to make it all better. I didn't care what Renee said, he was not over me, he was not fine. He was a mess, a miserable, mad mess.

"Oh, God, baby, how are you? I've missed you so much, please tell me that you are alright?" He begged and it was honestly worse to hear that then the miserable man that I heard when he first picked up the call. "I tried to find you, I swear I did. Are you okay?" I could see the dark swirls that would make his eyes a deeper shade of green right now. He would pull my face close to his and tilt our foreheads together. His nose would nuzzle mine. He had done it so many times as he tried to seek comfort with me, I could actually feel him as he touched my skin right now. I tingled all over.

"Oh, Edward." I sniffled and tried to stop the tears that flowed down my face, I would blame it all on the hormones but I knew it was not all their fault. "I need you, Knight, it's time to rescue me. Please?" I begged and it sounded whiney and so desperate but I didn't care.

"Rescue you? Why on earth are you telling me this now? After you've pushed me away time and time again and then that fucking letter…I'm supposed to just forget all of that and come save you? His voice sounded so off, so different, so angry. I was suddenly scared, I didn't know if this was the best idea or not. My heart was crushed that he felt differently than I did. I started to cry. Then I realized what he said about the letter. I was stunned.

"You got my letters?" I asked. I was so afraid that Renee got rid of my letters and that Edward would never see them. It surprised me that he ever got them.

He responded to me and he sounded so angry, when I played his words back in my head I realized why he would be.

"What are you talking about, Edward?" I stuttered, he had to be confused about something. His response should have surprised me but it didn't. I could only say one thing, the one word that explained it all. "Renee!"

It must have changed his mind because he asked me.

"Where are you, Princess?" I could hear his plan as it evolved in his head. I knew he would drop whatever he was involved with and come to me right now. I needed a plan, I needed to find a way to get away from Renee and buy us some time, what I had to tell him was not a drop the bomb and dash type of conversation. We needed some space to talk and hash things out.

"Uhhm, well can I call you back in about two hours, let me figure out how to get away from Renee and then we can meet somewhere, okay?" My mind raced with all the possibilities of how and where this could take place. I just needed a little time.

"Okay, as long as you're sure you're okay?" He sounded distrustful, not of me, of course, but of Renee. He had never trusted her.

"I promise I'm fine, I'll call you back in two hours and then I'll know all the details. I promise."

"Okay, Princess, two hours." I started to cry again and I had to get off of the phone before he heard me. He would never believe that I was really fine if I cried. And I didn't want to spill a secret this large over the phone. I had to get to him. So I hung up and raced back to the apartment. All my things were there and I needed at least a small bag and my passport to get to Edward. So I had no choice but to stop there first. Renee still had about two hours before she was finished and home so that gave me plenty of time.


	13. 7A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you are going to need to just sit down, big girl trousers on, buckle your seatbelt and keep the box of tissue handy, especially for the this and Thursday's update!

EPOV 

I've run out of patience.

Bella said she'd call in two hours...and that was three days ago.

I've called and called the number that she called from but it goes to an empty voicemail box. I've called Charlie. I've tried Renee's hotel room.

Nothing. No one knows anything about where Bella is or why she isn't answering her phone.

Fuck.

"Garret!" I yelled from my cramped bunk on the bus.

"What the fuck do you want?" He yelled back at me from the front of the bus.

"Get your ass over here." I demanded, because I was angry, sober and jonesing for another hit.

He stomped towards me and pulled back my privacy curtain, "What the fuck do you want, asshole?" His voice annoyed me, him being in my personal space pissed me off but it was necessary at the moment.

"I need more." I said and handed him a thousand dollars cash.

"Fuck, dude. You're gonna have to slow the fuck down, man. We're on the road, it ain't that easy to get a steady supply this way. And, if that fucker James finds out that I share it with you he'll have my ass on a platter." Garrett said as he took the cash and narrowed his eyes at me.

"Money can buy me anything I want, right?" I snapped at him. He growled at me.

The rest of the band had issues with the fact that I made more money than they did because I owned the rights to the songs and lyrics that we performed. My dad was a crude motherfucker when it came time to draw up a contract for me, that was for sure.

Garrett came back a few minutes later with a little fucking sack that was filled with enough tar to get me through the week, at least.

"Fuck yes, that's what I'm talking about." I wheezed as he handed me a stash along with a few needles.

"Just put this shit up and take care of it this time. And, if you get so fucked up you can't perform tonight I will hold you down so Jasper can beat the shit out of you this time." He said as he poked my shoulder.

I brushed his hand off me and closed the curtain in his face.

Fuck them!

Fuck all of them!

But mostly fuck Bella...she made me think that she needed me, that she wanted me back in her life again. Now, she's disappeared again. I shouldn't be motherfucking surprised.

My phone rang in my pocket as I pulled it out I noticed it was my mother, again.

I didn't want to deal with her but I had to know if she had any news of Bella. "Hey, mom." I said reluctantly as I answered the call.

"Edward, you sound awful. What's wrong?" Elizabeth's voice was a little panicked so I knew that I had to squash that shit, or her and dad would show up at my next show like they had a few months back. I certainly did not need them to see me in my current state. Nor did I want to hear about the disappointment of the new ink I had down my right arm.

I had gotten a sword on my upper right shoulder that had two blacks ribbons twirled around it that came down around my elbow and across my wrist to where I turned it over and the inside of my wrist ended with ballet shoes dangling from the ribbon. The guys had teased me fucking mercilessly about the 'sissy' ballet shoes...I didn't give a fuck. They reminded me of my Princess...and my sword that still protected her, when it could.

"I'm fine, mom. Have you heard any news on Bella?" I asked and tried not to sound needy or desperate.

She sighed and spoke with a heavy voice, "No, Edward. We haven't." She seemed reluctant to tell me something. I held my breath and waited for her to continue. "You should know that Charlie has their house up for sale because of his impending retirement. He doesn't want to be here alone anymore."

"Buy it." I blurted, without thinking. "There's no way that I can let someone else live in Bella's house. Just buy it and I'll live in it. I'll keep it for when she finally decides to come home. Please mom, just have dad take care of it." I rambled on like a scared child and I guess in a way that was exactly what I was…scared.

"Edward." She hesitated. "I'll see what I can do." But I knew that I'd won that one. She wouldn't fight me on something that involved Bella. No matter how much she thought that I needed to let go of my hopes and dreams where my Princess was concerned.

I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.

I refused to give up all hope that one day Bella would be mine.

She and I against the world, to live our life the way that we saw fit.

Together.

I ended the call with my mom and wrapped the rope around my arm before I got the dope ready for the syringe.

Once that needle hit my vein, I felt transported back in time.

I lay there, closed my eyes and remembered every second of that night in the pool room. The feel of her lips against mine. The way her soft, bare skin felt under my fingers as I memorized every dip and crease. The warmth her body gave off as I slid inside of her for the first time.

I could almost feel the arch of her back as her chest pushed up into mine and the pinch of her heels against my ass when she needed more from me.

Fuck...that was ecstasy...heaven...euphoria at its best. I chased that feeling every day since we had been together. I fell back on the tar and hoped that each time the needle sliced through my skin that I would feel that exact feeling.

Three hits later, I was completely fucked up.

Uncaring.

Numb.

Lost.

I heard people as they yelled all around me...but I was underwater, under clouds...in a Bella induced fog of unresolved lust and expired memories.

"Fuck, Garrett, how much of that shit did you give him?" Jasper yelled.

"Damn, is that vomit?" Eric whined.

"James is gonna kick your ass after he finds him like this...you're gonna fuck this up for all of us! Why do you keep giving him that shit, man?" Jasper yelled and hit Garrett.

"He's a grown ass man, he had the cash and if he wanted to get fucked up, who am I to stop him?" Garrett angrily yelled back at Jasper.

I just wished they'd shut the hell up.

They would ruin my buzz...

I just wanted to watch my Princess dance...while I played for her.

Three Months Later

I don't know what day it is.

I don't even know what month it is actually.

But, it didn't matter anymore.

Nothing really mattered anymore.

I missed Bella with every fiber in my being, but I hadn't heard from her in almost seven months. And, it had been over almost two years since I'd seen her at the graduation party.

Life sucked.

The band was always on my ass about my performances. James was always on my ass about my appearance, and the lack of hygiene that I'd developed.

My parents were always begging me to come home, get clean, and move on with my life.

All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole, shoot up, and remember the fading memories of when life meant something, when my dreams meant something….when Bella was someone in my life.

Charlie had finished moving out of the house the week before, so I knew that Bella's house just sat there, empty, waiting on me to return to it.

However, I couldn't seem to even care right now. All I cared about was that I needed to score another hit and quick. My stash was pretty low and I had just enough to get me through the next few hours, at least.

"Jasper!" I bellowed and grabbed a bottle of water off the table from the hotel kitchen area.

He came walking out of the bedroom wrapped only in a sheet, "What the fuck do you want?" He snapped at me, and then took in my appearance.

"I need to go score. Can you go with me?" I asked with hesitance because I knew that he hated going with me, but, after the past couple of fights that I'd had with Garrett he refused to supply me anymore.

"Fuck Edward. We just went out two days ago you've already gone through all of it?" His exasperated sigh told me everything I needed to know. He wasn't going to take me.

"Not all of it….at least not yet," I said with a pain of shame to my voice.

He crossed the room and stood in front of me, "Edward, maybe it's time to think about getting some help. You just…" he ran a hand through his hair, and looked up at me like the old friend that he was as we grew up.

"You're not happy anymore. You don't have that special thing about you anymore. Hell, you haven't written any music in almost a year." His eyes held mine as I felt the anger build up inside of me.

"Fuck you, Jasper. I don't need help." I said with my fists clenched by my side.

"Why don't you go home, take a month off. We're done with all our road shows for a few weeks anyways. Hell, I'm ready to go home and see my family, too. We can go together." He said quietly as he lit a smoke, and moved to sit in a bar stool across the island from where I stood.

I shook my head, "I can't go back there, Jazz…you know why." I said through gritted teeth.

He stared me down for a few minutes, "I think that's exactly the reason why you need to go back, Edward. I think you need to put some of your demons to rest."

I thought about what he said. While I didn't think I could handle being surrounded by all those memories again, maybe it would do my soul good to go home, and sleep in my own bed for a while.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, to address a few of things, in Edward's chapter, it had been a two year time jump by the end of the chapter. Bella's chapter will pick up right where her last one left off. This is the point where they will sort of take their own paths, some chapters will match up and some will not. Just trust us and we will get them both to the same spot, eventually. A tissue warning again...

Bella

 

The light changed to the little green man that let us know it was okay to walk across the street, so I stepped out. I shifted the bags and felt as one dropped from my grip. I stopped, turned and stooped to pick it up again. That was the last thing I remember.

Witnesses at the scene claim that the driver took the corner too fast and saw me too late. He did attempt to swerve but he was going too quickly. He hit me directly on my left side. I broke my left arm and collar bone. I cracked a rib, and had internal bleeding. The impact of the crash also broke my water and I had to deliver the baby. At least that's what I was told. I woke in a lonely hospital bed with Renee yelling at the doctor. I drifted in and out of it for several days. I'm sure the medications were the main cause of that.

All I knew when I woke up was that I was all alone. No Edward by my side and no baby in my arms. He was too early and was stillborn. The doctors later explained that probably what happened was the impact tore my placenta loose from my uterus and in trying to save the baby my body went into labor to deliver him. All of it was in vain because he was gone.

Renee got her wish.

He was delivered via C-section so that they could find the internal bleeding and get it stopped after he was out. All in all, I stayed in the hospital for four days and went back to our hotel room after I was released. I remember very little of the hospital time. I know I was doped up and it was fine with me. Because the more I slept the less I could spend crying over the fact that my baby was gone. I hurt both physically and mentally. I ached for Edward to hold me and make me feel better, to tell me that it would be alright, that we would have another baby together. But he wasn't there and to top it all off, Renee refused to talk about the baby at all. In fact, when I got back to the hotel room, she had all of the furniture gone, all the clothes and any sign that he ever existed were all wiped away. It made the pain and loneliness ever worse.

I stayed in bed for weeks and refused to do any exercises for my arm and shoulder. I didn't want to talk about dancing at all. I refused to speak to Renee. I just wanted to be alone with my misery. Renee put up with that for about two months, then she threatened to have me locked away somewhere, if I didn't get out and start going to a therapist. So I did. I didn't want to but I did.

After a few months of therapy several days a week, I finally agreed to go back to the dance troupe. I took a much less prestigious part and that pissed Renee off but she at least was happy that I was dancing again. I think she thought I was done with that for forever. In her happiness she took the effort to make sure I knew how happy she was with me and my decision. She complimented me on how well I danced each day, she told me that my skin and hair color were back to their original shine and color. She moved us to a more expensive hotel room, 'to get away', were her words on it. She bought me tons of new clothes, jewelry, and anything else she thought would bring me out of my shell again. She sent me to a salon and got me all fixed up, according to her. Like a trip to the salon and things would take away all of my problems. I smiled and pretended for her but at night, I cried myself to sleep as my arms ached to hold my baby and the love of my life.

On top of that I now had baby weight that I had to lose. Renee and Mademoiselle both stayed on my back about it. Renee took a gentler approach but I felt no less pressure.. I had two injuries and extra weight, so I doubled my workouts. When that didn't work I took a more drastic approach. I began to control my weight with other methods, again. Pills, laxatives, and finally vomiting.

I know that it was stupid to do but I felt in control of one thing, just one thing in my life and that made me feel hope. I felt like when I had the weight under control then I could move on to something else. Like dealing with Renee or finding Edward. I don't know, I'm sure my therapist would have shit fits if he knew about the weight issue, but I couldn't tell him. I guess that shows just how wrong I knew it was, that I wouldn't admit it to the one person that would help me see how to really gain my control.

I still saw him three times a week. I finally felt some improvement, a small amount but some. I came to grips with losing the baby, EJ as I had named him in my mind. I wanted him to be Edward Anthony Masen Junior. I found out later that he was simply called Baby boy Swan and disposed of by the hospital. Disposed of like he was trash! I never saw him, never held him. I don't know if he looked like me or Edward or a combination of us both. I never kissed his little head. One minute he was safe and secure in my body, the next he was not.

Renee saw the progress I made with my therapist and didn't like it. She arranged for our insurance company to insist that we see an 'in network doctor'. She found me another one, to save me the trouble of it all, of course. She settled with one that she liked and after a few visits I understood why. He was all for letting go and moving on. He wanted me to forget about the baby and the life I might have had. He said dwelling on the past would only bring me more of the same heartache that I had now. I would never be able to live my life while I looked into the past. He said that Edward was gone and had moved on, probably with lots of women, so I should hold on to the only thing left in my life…dancing. His philosophy and Renee's went hand in hand. I don't know if he really had all of the story or if she spun her tale so that it twisted things in order to get him to agree with her. I just don't know, all I knew was he was full of shit and she paid him well to spew it.

I continued to take the anti-anxiety medication and continued to dance. For now, it was all I had. At least until I could talk to Edward again. I held out hope that I would find him again and we could reconnect.

I turned over and looked at the clock, it was only a few minutes after five in the morning. I knew my alarm was set for fifteen after so I had a few minutes to lie here. To be alone, to have thoughts that were mine and not my mom's or even Mademoiselle's. Just mine.

I heard the pots and cups as they rattled in the kitchen. I knew that my mom was up and probably sat at the table while she drank her coffee and prepared my breakfast. It would be something healthy, full of protein and properly balanced in my diet plan that she had worked out with Mademoiselle. They were so proud of themselves, they thought that their diet worked for me. They even thought about trying it out on a few of the other girls. They had no idea that it was not their diet that worked. It was my middle finger on my right hand. That was what worked. Not them or their stupid ideas.

It had been so long now that, I couldn't remember when I started to throw up after my meals. I don't do it all the time, I tried to balance it out. Some days I skipped meals, some days I threw up, some days I just ate like normal. I had this plan of my own. I wrote it all down in my journal and kept track. But I varied what I did because I didn't want anyone to get suspicious.

I saw the way Renee reacted when Makenna collapsed on stage because she threw up too much. Renee freaked out and cried about it all, and I didn't want that scrutiny from her. So I varied my routine and kept her at arm's length. She already knew that I was angry with her over the entire situation with Edward anyway. So it wasn't hard to keep her at bay by being a bitch.

I wished I could just summon the courage to leave, just walk away from it all. But what would I have then? Nothing, I mean Edward was off doing his music and I would have nothing. I think it was that fear of giving it all up and still not having him that made me too scared to just say 'fuck it all' and walk away. I didn't want to be weak, I didn't want to cry out to him and beg him to make me all better. I didn't. I wanted to show him that I'm strong and worthy of his love. I can't do that if I walked away from the only thing I had right now. I can't show him I'm strong if I ran to him and begged him to allow me to tag along with him, without a job, a degree or any money. I would be dependent on him and that was not strong or healthy. So I stayed until he called me, until I knew that he needed me, I stayed and danced like a good little girl.

I stood up and stretched for two minutes before my alarm went off. I touched my toes and grabbed the backs of my calves. I pushed my body towards the floor and felt the muscles as they responded. I loved the response that I got from my body. To feel each muscle, tendon and my skin as it stretched and gave when I asked them to. My mind started to wander back to a time when my body responded to Edward's request as I did the familiar routine of stretches.

I loved the feel of Edward inside my body even more. Not that I had much experience to go on but that one time…it was indescribable. He pushed inside of me and just stayed there, still, not moving, just feeling. I felt my muscles respond to him then, they did what he asked of them. They formed to his will. I loved the way they hugged him and seemed to pull him in closer to me, deeper inside. I couldn't get enough.

I bent my legs out of the way and willed his body to simply settle down on top of mine. I wanted him to cover me and show me his warmth. To prove to me that this was real, that we were real. His muscles bent to my will as they slowly pushed his body against mine, we merged together. Our minds, our bodies and our love.

The physical act of love had always been something that most of my peers rushed towards as fast as they could. They wanted the instant gratification, the feel good aspect of it. I, however, wanted the connection, the soul deep realization that this person belonged to you and you belonged to them. There was only one person that would ever fill that spot, Edward. I never regretted waiting for him, I would never regret that he would be my only one. Because he was my only one, I would never love someone like I loved him.

Even if he chose to move on, to grow up and leave his childhood girlfriend behind, I would never. Someone else would always take a second place in my heart behind him. I don't know if that meant I would be alone if he moved on, I have no idea. I guess if I found the right person and they understood what I felt and loved me anyway, then I would like to think that I could make it work between us. But a small part of me screamed that I could never use someone that way and that is what I would be doing. Using them. I would use them to fill the loneliness and for someone to talk to when I got home in the evenings. That is not love, that is complacency. So I don't know.

I rushed through my shower as I realized that I had spent the last twenty minutes standing here as the water ran over me thinking about Edward. Part of me wanted to touch myself and remember but the other part screamed at me to keep our physical contact special. So I washed my hair instead.

I worried about him and where he was. If he ate enough, slept enough or stayed away from the drugs. Edward had an all or nothing type of personality. He was either all in or he gave nothing, that included the drugs. I tried to tell myself that he was careful, that he only did a little but I had seen him enough to know that it was not the case. I worried about the careless actions that his drug use led to. Was he sleeping around? Did he remember that we loved each other or was he taking whatever warm body he could to satisfy his needs?

I rushed to turn the water off and flopped down in front of the toilet. The thought of Edward's hands as they glided along someone else's body sickened me.

The way he skimmed his nose along my neck and kissed me just below my ear in the way that made me shiver. I couldn't imagine him doing that with anyone else. I vomited without help for the first time since I was about ten years old.

The look on his face as he closed his eyes and threw his head back in ecstasy caused a fresh round of bile to rise up as well. I continued to vomit until Renee pounded on the door.

"Bella, is that you? You okay?" Her voice sounded concerned but I'm certain it was because we were to vie for positions today and not for the actual fact that I was sick. She was worried that if I stayed home then I would have to take what was left over and not get a Prima placement.

"I'm fine, mom. I just ate something that didn't sit right on my stomach." I flushed the toilet and stood on shaky legs. After the towel was wrapped around me, I opened the door to find that she still stood in place listening to my every move. I turned around and began to brush my teeth. I knew that I shouldn't eat so soon but it was the only way I could get her to leave so I asked. "I think I need at least some toast to put on my stomach before I go and dance today, don't you?" Her face relaxed and she turned away to head back downstairs to see about my breakfast.


	15. 8A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, we're back to the madness of Edward's life…I know a lot of you were asking about the time references in the past few chapters…remember, he's not always accurate. He's a drug addict. So, keep that in mind. I will tell you that this is AFTER Bella has had the baby…almost two years have gone by since they last saw each other.

EPOV

I sit here and listen to the noise around me ... and I have no idea where in this world the one person that matters the most is.

I haven't seen Bella in over a year ... and I ache for her.

Especially today ... I hurt.

It's her birthday. I've never missed her birthday before, yet here I sit in this dingy rehab center wishing I were anywhere but here. I can't call her; I don't know where she is, and if she were home, Renee would never let me speak to her. Not after the way we both behaved last time we were together.

I sigh and run my hand through my haggard hair as I look around the room. What I wouldn't give for just one hit of the needle ... to zone out and forget all this shit that's rambling in my head. I could concentrate on her

face ... her voice ...her smell … her body under mine.

Fuck.

I want to go to my room, but I'm being forced to 'socialize' with the other residents. I don't know why ... I mean really ... none of them give a shit about me. I'm just a would-be rock star they've seen on TV a few times. They each got close enough to gauge what they can get from me and then slink off when they see I have nothing to give. As if any of them were worth my time either...unless they had some smack for me. Then we could be good friends, but only then.

I noticed the plain girl, with glasses and long dark hair that reminded me of Bella's as she walked over to me, "Hi Edward, can I sit with you?" Her voice was timid and quiet, so I just nodded my response. "You wanna talk about it?" She hesitantly asked.

Do I? Do I want to talk with this complete stranger about Bella and the ache I felt for her? No, not really, but when the fuck does what I want really matter?

"Not really." I answered and twirled a cigarette around in my hand. My breath left my body in a large gust as I realized how happy my fucking counselor would be if he found out I talked about my shit. And I do have to say out of all the loonies here in the looney bin, she looks the least looney. So I give it up for her. "But I guess I should." As I said the words, I felt all the hurt that rested on me cause my shoulders to sag, which caused me to slump further back into the couch I sat on.

"Are you having withdrawls?" she asked as she leaned towards me slightly and her eyes met mine. So much for privacy in these types of places. It doesn't matter how much money you throw at them, they still spill your details as soon as they possibly fucking can.

I looked at her for a minute ... her eyes were filled with loneliness and pain as she looked away. Her shyness took over quickly and once again she shrunk away from me. Her scared demeanor told me she was here because she cared and not because she wanted something from me. So I spilled.

"I miss my best friend." I pulled the lighter out of my pocket and flicked it a couple of times. Angela looked from my hand to the flame and back again. I guess it bothered her how close they were to one another but to me it was of no importance.

"Oh." She said as she nervously wrung her hands together over and over in her lap.

"I'm sorry, I forgot your name." I apologized. I respected her enough to ask since she had enough respect for me to ask if she could sit down in the first place.

"Angela ... Angie," she kept her eyes down and her voice low, a little embarrassed, it seemed.

I continued on for her. Suddenly I wanted to put her at ease and make her comfortable while she talked with me. "I'm not really having withdrawals from the smack, I can stop that whenever I want to. But I am having serious withdrawals from my Bella." I flicked the lighter again and brought the cigarette around to my mouth. I knew we weren't allowed to smoke in here, but that didn't stop me from lighting it up anyway.

Angela's eyes widened at my bold move. "Do you want to go outside to the patio so you can smoke that?" Angela asked as she looked towards the door.

"Sure." I was a little agitated from being inside all day anyway.

We walked out onto the little patio and sat in a couple of lounge chairs as I lit my cigarette again. I inhaled a deep puff and let it settle in my chest. It felt good but it didn't help the tightness I already felt.

I let out my breath as Angela spoke again, "So, where is your best friend?"

My hand involuntarily ran through my hair again and sighed, "I don't know. I haven't seen her in over a year." I answered honestly, even though I knew it would only invite Angela to ask more questions.

"Oh. Why not?" She asked quickly.

I shook my head, "It's a long story."

"Was she your girlfriend?" Her mouth seemed to speak faster than her mind could process what she did or asked if the look on her face was any clue.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I've been in love with her since we were four years old, but no, she wasn't my girlfriend."

Bella and I had never given each other labels ... we just ... were. It was always the two of us against everyone else. In our little bubble, we were content, at peace and happy just to have the other person there.

How the fuck did we get so torn apart? Was she as miserable without me as I was without her? Did she think about me every single fucking day like I thought of her?

"Fuck." I said with a long exhaled breath and stood up so I could pace back and forth across the patio. Maybe it would help me work off some of the pent up anger and sadness I felt inside.

"Are you alright?" Angela asked, concerned by my outburst.

"No, I'm not alright." I snapped at her. She shrunk back into herself a little, and I sighed again and sat down.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, okay? It's just ... I really need to talk to Bella, and I won't be okay until I do. I have no idea where she is or if she even wants to talk to me. But ... I just need to hear her voice." I let my voice drop and my head roll back onto the top of the chair as I closed my eyes and held back tears.

"Does your chest hurt?" Her soft voice pulled me from my memories.

"What?" I asked, completely confused.

"You just ... your hands, they rub a constant rhythm on your chest over your heart. So I wondered if you had some chest pain." She said as I looked down to see my hands were in fact moving across my chest in a soothing manner.

When the fuck did that start?

"It's okay if you miss her, you know?" Angela said. "I miss Ben, too…but, I know where he is." Her voice fell off and utter sadness washed over her face.

"Where is he?" I whispered, even though I was certain I knew what she was about to say.

"Forest Lawn Cemetery." A single tear rolled down her cheek as she reached up to swipe it away.

Fuck, it was exactly what I didn't want to hear ... not today.

And this was a conversation I definitely did NOT want to get into right now. This girl was sweet and all, but I had enough of my own shit to deal with, I couldn't take on her issues too.

Before I could stop her, she began her story, almost like she needed to purge herself of it in a way only a talk with a stranger could do. "He OD'd." She whispered as I pulled a long drag from the smoke I just lit.

Good thing I had my habits under control. I would never end up like Ben. I could control things better than he could, obviously. I was only in here because I needed a break. Plus, being here was a sure fire way to get the Band Manager and my parents off my ass about every fucking thing.

"Cullen, you got a call." Someone yelled out the back door. I was relieved. It was a good time to break away from Angela and her story without hurting her in the process. She looked a little more at peace, even though she only got to share such a small part of her hurt.

"Nice talking to you." I said as I stumped out my smoke and headed inside to the phone.

"Hello?"

I only heard sniffles and deep breaths, but I knew instantly who they belonged to, "Bella, baby? Is that you?"

A few more seconds of dead air passed, "Princess? Can you talk? Are you alright?" I almost yelled into the phone as I felt the panic start to rise. It scared me beyond words that she was in trouble or even worse ... hurt, while I was stuck in here and couldn't protect her.

"Edward?" She finally spoke.

"Bella." I said with a sigh of relief while my body soaked up her voice.

"I miss you. Where are you? Your friend said you were in a rehab? It's my birthday ... I need you." Bella's voice shook and her words were scattered as I listened to her.

"Oh Princess, I miss you so much. So fucking much. I need you, too." I said as I did my best to hold in the tears that threatened to fall.

"Come to New York ... please? Come see me ... I need you so much." Bella cried, and it twisted my heart in knots to hear her sobs.

"Princess, I can't come yet ... I have to stay here for another thirteen days before I can come to New York. Do you want me to come then?" I asked, my voice begged for her to agree to wait for me.

"I'll be gone, Edward. I leave in four days. Come now ... please? Please, Knight? I need your help. I need to see you." Her voice killing me more with each word, each plea; they tore down all of my willpower. I just couldn't say no to her. She worked so hard and found me here in this hell hole to let me know she needed me. I couldn't let her down. I needed to get to her and make sure she was taken care of, that all her fears were wiped away. I needed to be her Knight once again.

But fuck, I was here behind locked doors. Would they let me out? Hell no! They would tell me I needed to be here, that I needed to be strong before I could help someone else. I didn't buy that bullshit at all. There was nothing in the world that would make me stronger than when I took care of my Princess. Nothing. A small flicker of a thought formed in my head, there was nothing that really kept me here except ... me. After all, I signed myself in. I could sign myself out. Besides, I wasn't worried about myself at all, I knew I could handle my problems, I'm not a true addict. So why the fuck can't I just check myself out of here and go see my Princess? My resolve was firmly in place when I spoke again.

"Hold on, Bella. I'm coming to you tonight. It'll take me a little while to get out of here and then get to the airport, but I'm on my way. Where are you?" I asked as I searched for a pen and paper on the nearby desk.

She gave me her hotel address and her phone number. My mind was in a tailspin as I started to think of how I was going to get out of here and on a plane so I could see her tonight.

"I love you, Edward. Please hurry." Each word sounded more desperate and needy. I had to get to her and fast.

"I love you too, Princess. I'll be there soon." Then the line went dead.

I had to stop and think quickly about how all of this was going to work. It was already three-thirty. I knew the last flight out to New York would be leave in about forty-five minutes. Don't ask me how I just remember random shit like that. At times it's a gift and others it's a curse.

It would be close, but I would keep my promise to Bella. She would be in my arms before the night was over ... even if it killed me.


	16. 8B

Bella

I threw my clothes on and fixed my hair into a tight bun at the base of my neck. I threw all the items into my bag and made sure I had my lucky toe shoes. Call it superstition or whatever you want, but these shoes gave me better luck than all of my others did. They were the most worn out, and probably in all honesty, were a little too small. I just couldn't get rid of them. I wore them each time I had to audition or anytime I needed the extra luck. These were the shoes Edward tied up for me each time before he sat down and played his piano so I could dance.

One time Renee ran late, we had about forty minutes alone together. He tied my shoes up, helped me stand, and then kissed me. His face was so soft and caring as I held it close to mine.

I will never forget the way his hands travelled over my feet and legs as he tied up my shoes. I was way too young to realize how erotic it was then, I'm probably still a little too young to know even now. Then his hands held mine when he stood me up, his fingers ghosted along my waist as he leaned in to kiss me. I'll never forget the grip he held on me as I pushed my tongue into his mouth, the way his hand settled right above my backside while we moved together. It was too low to be accidental, but too high to scare or embarrass me. It felt like heaven.

We broke away when we heard a car, and I rushed to the bar against the mirror on the far side of the room. Edward rummaged around in the piano bench for music. I have no idea why, because he knew the song I needed by heart. Stall tactic I guess. Either way, by the time Renee breezed into the room, I was half way through the song and felt so good about it. Edward played and acted like nothing was amiss. I danced for him and his graceful fingers playing the piano for me. Renee praised both of us, and even offered to give Edward a ride home. How kind of her, since he lived right next door to us? When he declined, I almost cried.

When we were done, I sat on the bench to take my shoes off. Renee stepped outside to talk on her phone, so that left Edward and I alone again. He came over, but I moved as soon as he arrived.

"Princess, what gives?" He asked as he sat in my spot on the bench.

"I gotta go, Renee is waiting for me." I threw on my coat, and pulled my bag back up on my arm. Things had gone to completely awkward between us, and I wanted to cry.

"Hey." He stood and moved towards me, his eyes glanced at the glass door to the studio as he did. "Come here." His soft voice lured me in, and I complied. "Don't do that. You know why I said no, right? I don't want her judging me or you and calling us out. You know that is exactly what she'll do. I'll be pissed and you'll be crying by the time we get home. I won't let her do that to you, okay?" His eyes were so soft and open, I felt like I could look right through him and into his soul. "I'll miss you." His hand found my hip again and immediately slid to his spot right above my ass. I wanted to push his hand lower, but I was too scared to try it. Besides what good would it have done? Especially since Renee stood right outside the door, she would catch us for sure and never let me see him again.

Before I could process the thought, my legs propelled me up and against Edward. This new height brought my mouth close enough I could kiss him again. And I did. He moaned when I leaned against his chest and his hand pulled me closer. It's crazy, but I know his hands dropped a fraction of a millimeter lower on my ass. I rose up a little bit higher. I could feel my skin tingle where he had touched me, and while it was enough, it wasn't.

Edward pulled away from the kiss and placed a quick peck on my lips. "Hey, Princess, we've got time." I blushed and turned away from him. I had no idea if he knew I wanted him to rush and touch me, or if he meant something else. I just nodded; I certainly did not have the courage to ask him. He let go and turned to leave. I watched as he pulled on his green Army jacket. I watched the way his ass moved as he shuffled his boots toward the door, turned, winked and waved goodbye to me as he left. I stood and watched it all, so long that Renee stuck her head in the door to prod me along.

"What is taking so long? It's cold as hell out here, come on." She half snarled at me.

I wanted to tell her Hell was not supposed to be cold, but I let it all go. I was still too wrapped up in my Edward bubble to actually care what she said or did. I just wanted to get home and get up to my room so I could relive every single move we had done that afternoon.

I snapped back to the present day, and finished shoving my things into my bag for the day. I knew the innocence and trust between Edward and I had changed over our time apart, but I hoped it had not disappeared completely.

Today was horrible. My mind wasn't focused and I was insanely distracted. I made so many mistakes during my audition, that I didn't get Prima. I ended up with a minor part in the production with very limited stage and dance time.

My need for Edward was to the point where I couldn't focus without him. I couldn't take it any longer. Being without him and his reassurances that we would both be fine through the day to day shit we dealt with was too much to handle alone. I ached for his soothing touch and gentle words.

It didn't help that today was my birthday and no one, not a single person acknowledged it. Today was just like any other day, to them anyway.

I didn't ask for much. I was a very low maintenance person and basically took care of myself, but every so often, I wanted to feel special, loved, and important. Your birthday was one of those days you expected for that to happen ... not my birthday though. Renee never said a word about it. All she did was bitch about my part in the new production, and she griped about the money she wasted on me and the years of ballet. You name it, and she chose to bitch about it today. I felt stupid, used, and unloved.

I yelled back for the first time. I told her she could take her money and go, I didn't need her. I yelled at her for the fact she was never satisfied, how I was never enough. She slapped me and stopped the car. I grabbed my bag and got out. Thankfully my wallet was in my bag, otherwise I would have been stuck.

She drove off, and all I could feel was relief. I was actually thankful she had put me out. I could show her now that I didn't need her. I hailed a cab, and threw myself inside the first one that stopped.

"I need a hotel, not too fancy, but not too rundown either." I said when my eyes met the cabbie's through the rearview mirror. He simply nodded his head, and drove off.

When we arrived, I paid him and got out. He took me to a place that was exactly what I asked for, middle of the road. I pulled out my driver's license and credit card as I approached the desk.

"May I help you ma'am?" The young lady asked.

"Yes, I need a room, please." I stated it like it was a common occurrence for me, like nothing in my life had gone wrong that day, much less a whole lot of things that went wrong.

"Single or double occupancy?" My mind began to whirl as the desk clerk asked the simple question. I could be a double occupancy; I just needed to call Edward. I needed him here with me, so my answer was simple.

"Double, my fiancé will be here later. He had to work so he caught a later flight." I spoke with confidence and smiled at her. She smiled back in return. I loved that she bought my lie, that she thought I looked like a person with a fiancé that would fly into New York to see them, to spend a few hours just to make them feel better.

"I have you booked in room 287. Would you like that to be billed to your credit card?" I pushed my credit card and ID toward her, she checked them both. Then she took a quick glance at me to confirm my picture matched on my driver's license. Her next words shocked me.

"Oh my, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Ms. Swan."

Odd how such a simple statement could send me into tears. Seeing as it was almost seven at night and no one but this stranger had wished me a happy birthday. I nodded and signed for the room. I quickly made off as fast as I could to hide my tears. I needed to get alone and call Edward.

I tried his cell phone, his phone in the apartment he shared with several of his band members, and finally a number for a guy in his band that Edward told me to keep in case of an emergency. The last number was answered.

"Lo?" His voice was rough and gravelly, like I woke him up. I tried to calculate the time difference, but my pain and beginnings of a headache made it hard to think.

"I'm … uh, looking for Edward. Is he around?" Before I could even finish my sentence, the voice on the other end began to curse and scream.

"No that fucker ain't around, you know why? He got too fucked up, proceeded to pass out, and convulse on us. You know what a trip killer that is to see him flopping like a motherfucking fish around the room? The girls all left, and I had to call an ambulance for his ass. So ... no sweet cheeks, he ain't around. He won't be around 'cause he's in rehab while I sit here and smoke up all my money, 'cause I ain't out making any more money, all because he's not here!" The last few words were shouted at me like it was my fault Edward was not there. I wanted to yell at him for taking his anger out on me, but I couldn't do it. I needed him to tell me where Edward was so I could at least call him.

"Well, do you know where he is in rehab? It's important that I get in touch with him." I let my sentence stop there. I hoped it would be enough to push him to give up the location.

"They have his ass in Holmby Hills. Fuck, you know, I've been there." He stated this like I would identify with his comment, or at the least care. "You know you can get shit easier there than on the streets. That place is a joke." His voice trailed off, and I heard him ask a 'pretty little lady' not to 'bite his dick while it was in her mouth', so I thought it might be my place to end the call.

"Thanks." I mumbled and hung up.

After a few tries on Google and through information, I was connected to the nurse's station. They gave me the phone number to the patient pay phones in that wing. She wouldn't tell me if he was a patient there, but said if I called there was a good possibility he would be able to come to the phone. I dialed the number and waited. A girl answered and when I asked for him, she snorted and yelled out his name. I waited.

All the fear, hurt, rejection, pain, anxiety, and frustration from all the years came out. I began to cry, sob even. I knew I needed to hold it together so I could talk with Edward, but it was hard. I was so close and yet still so far from him.

His voice filled the line. "Hello?" I could only cry harder. "Bella, baby, is that you?" I just cried harder. I needed him so damn badly. I needed to be held by him, loved by him. His voice rose as he asked me again. "Princess, can you talk? Are you alright?" I knew I had to talk to him before he panicked too much.

"Edward?" That simple word was all it took. I spilled everything, my birthday, how much I missed him, and then I begged him to come to New York with me. I told him how I was alone and needed him. He explained about rehab, that he had thirteen days left, and I thought back to his friend's comment about how easy it was to get drugs in there.

I knew that he was not in the best place possible, and while I want to think that I asked him to come to protect him, I didn't. I asked him to come for me. It was a selfish act, but I needed him and him alone.

He hesitated. He sounded so sincere in his pleas for me to wait for him to get out. I explained that I would be gone, that I had to leave town in four days. There was no way around it. I had to go, and come Hell or high water, Renee Swan would make sure I went, no matter how mad we were at each other. So this was my chance, right now or never.

I heard the moment his voice changed, and I knew he would come to me. He asked for my address and phone number, he promised he would be there before the night was over. I believed him.

I moved off the bed and took a shower, then threw on the t-shirt I wore the first night we made love. For whatever reason I had managed to keep it all of these years, it never failed to bring me comfort. After I put it on, I crawled into bed to wait for Edward. I prayed he would be here soon so he could stop the aching inside of me.


	17. 9A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that some of these chapters will skip time and the time skip may not be the same for Edward as it is for Bella. Sorry if that confuses you, it just has to happen that way because different things happen at different times for each of them. We love to hear your feedback and will answer any questions we can for you as long as it does not give away major plot points and so on, so if you need to know, ask we might be able to answer for you! With that said, go and enjoy...

EPOV

Flashback:

I conned the desk clerk into giving me the key card for the room so I could surprise Bella. It just took an autograph and a quick picture on her phone. I reminded her to not tell anyone I was here. She agreed, and I rushed off to find our room. I couldn't wait to be with Bella again.

I walked into the hotel room to see Bella laid across the large bed. Her form was so small under the blankets, it was like she was a small child. I stood there for a moment and just watched her sleep but the urge to touch her, to hold her, to just claim her was too great. I quickly removed my clothes and crawled under the covers beside her. She was warm and instantly melted into my arms that closed around her.

"mmm ... Edward?" Her sleepy voice spoke as I drew in a deep breath of her scent.

"Yes, baby, I'm here." I spoke before I laid my lips against her forehead for a kiss.

"I've missed you so much." She whispered and looked up at me, her eyes still glossy from sleep.

"I've missed you too, Princess." I said before I pulled her face up so our lips could meet.

The kiss was soft and slow, the passion slowly building, just as our own love had built over the years. Her lips were soft and pleading as my tongue swept across them, I begged for entrance.

After all this time, our tongues began to dance in the other's mouth as we savored the tastes.

My body was on fire for Bella's, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from claiming her once again.

"I need you, baby." I murmured against her lips when we broke for a breath.

"Take me, Knight ... I'm all yours." She said as I pushed her to her back and settled between her knees.

"Are you sure, Bella? Don't we need to talk?" I asked as my eyes searched hers. I only saw love and desire on the surface. I knew her well enough to see the other emotions trapped deep inside. My body battled with my heart over this decision, but I knew I would do whatever she asked.

"No, no talking … not yet, this first ... I need you, Edward ... I need to feel you. I need to know you're really here with me, that you're mine ... that I belong to you." She said as a stray tear rolled down her cheek. I quickly wiped it away before I leaned down to kiss her as my body aligned with hers.

I had dreamt of this moment from the second I had been forced to leave her last time. I wanted to get lost in her body, her scent, her love ... and now, here she was, open and ready for me once again.

"I love you, Princess." I said just as I pushed inside of her. She was so tight and wet ... and it felt like home as I continued to push into her. She gasped, and I knew from the feel of her tight grip around my shaft she'd not been with another since our last time.

"So tight, baby." I said with an edge of pain to my voice. Her body was wrapped so solid around mine, I had to stop all movement for fear I would hurt her and to halt my desire to push deeper and explode already.

"Only you, Edward ... it's only been you." She said as her back arched and her beautiful breasts pointed up at me. I leaned down and slowly began to lick around the nipple while my hips pulsed in slow, long, deep thrusts. I wanted this to last; I wanted to be able to show her how I felt about her as I worshipped her body. I wanted to foster the connection between us.

"Damn, baby ..." I wheezed, as her legs locked around my waist and her eyes met mine with a searing blaze of desire.

"Harder, Edward ... please ... harder." Bella begged, and I knew I couldn't deny her anything, so I sped up my movements and brought her legs up over my shoulders to deepen the angle.

"Fuck ..." I gushed as I hit that spot inside of her forcing a moan from her lips, and then she began to chant my name, over and over with each thrust. I knew she was about to explode. I forced my body to hold off my own release until I felt her clamp down on my cock again.

I pulled her legs up higher then moved my hands down to her hips to hold her steady as I began to pound harder and faster into her wet, slick pussy. I had often dreamed of this rough, desire driven type of sex with Bella. It was more than I could have ever hoped it'd be.

"Cum for me, baby ... let it all go." I said as we once again locked eyes for a moment. It didn't take but one more push for her eyes to roll back in her head. Her back arched off the bed, and she screamed my name so loud it echoed in my ears.

Two more deep hip rotations and I felt my own orgasm rip through me. My head flew back as I pulsed deep inside her body while her name and other incoherent words fell from my mouth at a very loud decibel.

I was a hot, sweaty mess as I struggled to catch my breath. I slowly lowered Bella's legs as she writhed underneath me. Her chest bounced and heaved from her own struggle to get her breathing under control.

"That was amazing ... " she managed to say once we both settled down a bit, and I lay beside her.

I moved her sweat-dampened hair from her forehead so I could see her beautiful brown eyes, "It was baby, it truly was." I searched her eyes again and felt the enormous weight of sorrow inside of her when she stared back at me.

"Bella?" I questioned as our hands found one another and entwined.

She raised a finger to my lips, "Don't Edward ... let's just be ... me and you. Please?" Her eyes begged and pleaded for nothing more to be said. "I promise I will share it all, but just give me a few days with you first. Let's enjoy each other, okay?" She nodded at me, and my head followed suit before I could stop it. It was enough to know she trusted me with her secrets and we would eventually get to the point where she shared them. She just wanted me first, and I couldn't say I blamed her.

I resolved myself that this was enough for now and nodded a second time. I leaned forward to kiss her and show her I was there, that I loved her and wanted nothing more than to be right where I was at the moment ... with her.

"Edward!" I heard a distant voice scream my name, and then I felt a twinge of pain on my cheek. My eyes felt like they were glued shut and my tongue was plastered to the roof of my mouth.

"EDWARD!" I heard it again, a little louder this time, before my body began to shake. I felt my shoulders rise and then fall against something.

I faded back into my memories of Bella and me in bed, wrapped around each other and just as I was about to kiss her, something spiked through my chest. I screamed louder than I could ever remember screaming before. The pain was intense, like mind altering intense.

"We've got him. He's alive for now ... there's a faint pulse, but we have to get him to the hospital now." I heard an unfamiliar voice as they barked to someone else in the room.

"Edward! Edward, can you open your eyes? Son, son, I'm here ... please open your eyes!" I heard my dad's frantic voice, but my eyes were taped shut. I just couldn't get them to open.

I remember sirens and yelling ... it was cold ... and dark.

I couldn't hear Bella anywhere. Where was my princess?

Three Months Later

"Masen, it's time for group." Janice, the resident warden, said as she popped her head in my door.

"Coming." I said, and moaned as I sat up on my bed. I had been sober for eighty-six days, and I still wasn't sure how I felt about sobriety as a whole.

If my dad hadn't found me when he had, I'd be six feet under right now, so I guess sobriety is a better alternative than that.

But, fuck, I missed Bella with an intensity I'd never had before. Maybe it's because we had spent almost seventy-two hours, naked, wrapped around one another and fucking in every way imaginable. Yeah, those kinds of memories will fuck up even a non-addict's mind. It also didn't help that now that I had those pictures, those feelings let loose inside of me, I couldn't get them out. Everything was so much stronger now that I had really had her. She was so deep inside I wasn't sure I could ever get her out now. Not that I would ever want to.

I never did find out why she needed me there so bad or why she clung to me like I would disappear into thin air ... like she did to me. She will never know how much it hurt to come back with our breakfast in hand and find an empty room. No sign of Bella anywhere. She had just vanished.

If I ever see Renee Swan again, it'll be hard for me not to kill her. I know that evil bitch is behind my Princess just up and leaving on me; no note, no phone number ... nothing. Just the empty space she used to fill. Now it aches without her, I ache continuously.

"Let's go, NOW!" Janice barked at me again.

"Fuck. Alright!" I yelled and slipped my Vans on. I grabbed my smokes and lighter off the bedside table and stood and stretched. All the while, I tried to shake visions of Bella out of my head.

I knew in order to get my life back on track, I had to let her go. Again. You would think I would be used to telling her goodbye, but I wasn't.

I hated it, but I also knew I couldn't face my parents like that again. The looks of sheer disappointment and fear their eyes held when I finally woke up in the hospital told me clearly I could never go down that path again ... ever. My parents loved me and cared for my well-being. I knew that, and I could see how my actions had aged them. I hated I had done that to them, that I had let them down in some way.

I grabbed a Coke from the soda machine and walked down the hall towards the group therapy room. I loathed group therapy. There was always some shithead that wanted to dog on me because I was a 'rockstar', like my life was less shitty because I had money or fame. Well I had news for them, it wasn't. Worse yet, were the chicks that thought they could slide up on my dick, that because we were both in the same place at the same time they could take advantage of my fame.

No one saw it was all a farce, that I hated that side to the business. I just wanted to compose, write, and perform my music; I didn't give a flying fuck about that other shit.

Music was my life before Bella, during Bella and after Bella ... well, until I became a drug addict.

"Welcome everyone," Janice began our session as people still scooted chairs into place and conversations quietly ended. "Today I thought we'd talk about regrets and what we've learned from them." Her eyes spun around the room as she assessed everyone in the circle. "Who'd like to start?" Her voice was hopeful as she posed the question that no one wanted to answer.

I sunk a little further down in my seat. I sure as fuck didn't want to start, because honestly, where the fuck would I start? I simply had too many regrets to name.

"Jane?" Janice asked, to which the frail, little blond girl shook her head.

"Marcus?" She tried again to entice someone to speak.

She let out a long sigh and slapped her palms down on her thighs. Every head in the room snapped to look at her before they quickly tucked their chins back to their chests, "You all know the drill. You have to participate in this process in order to move forward in your lives." Her frustration was evident in her tone and as her eyes landed on me, I felt a shiver of cold run down my spine. I could tell by the set of her eyes my time was up, she was going to call on me.

"Masen, you're up ... spill it." Her eyes fixated on me, narrowed and then softened.

"Fuck." I muttered under my breath, took a deep breath and sat up a bit. "Fine." I said out loud, "Just give me a minute to gather my thoughts." I said as I tried to figure out what the fuck I was going to say ... I had too many regrets ... and none of them I wanted to share with these whacked out fuckers.

"Masen ... surely you have something to share," prompted that idiot Mike. He always razzed me about some shit or another.

"Mike. Back off." Janice's stern voice reprimanded him as I let out a long sigh.

"When I was fifteen, I had an opportunity to travel abroad and complete an internship with the International Orchestra ... and I turned it down to go on tour with my band instead. That decision alone ... well ... I think it's the source of all my regret because it forever changed the course of my life ... and it was also the first night I smoked weed." I admitted and rubbed my hand over my chest as the memory of my fight with Bella began to play out in my mind again.

"What did you learn from that decision?" Janice quietly asked.

I closed my eyes and pushed back the tears that wanted to form, "That I made the wrong choice." I leaned my head against the wall behind me and pulled my hood up over my head.

"Why do you think you made the wrong choice?" Always with these fucking questions that lead to more thoughts ... which led to more pain ... which led to more regrets.

"Because I made a choice that led me away from the one person that means more to me than anything else in this world. If I could change anything, it would be that one choice." I answered honestly.

"So, if you had taken this other opportunity, you don't think you would have ended up here today?" I had to give the bitch credit, she did her job well ... and I wanted to punch her in the throat for picking me to speak first.

"No, I know I wouldn't have ended up here. I wouldn't have tried drugs the first time, and I would probably be travelling the world and playing music for royals and dignitaries, instead of sweaty, drugged-up teenagers." I stopped and thought about that for a minute. My life would be completely different if I had chosen Bella and Europe, maybe we'd even be married by now, living our lives our way. "I wouldn't have needed drugs ... and I would have been happy." I answered, just before the craving kicked in. My mouth went dry, and the need to numb the emotions I felt was enough to make my hands shake. I could feel the tension build in my head, and I bit the inside of my cheek to try and stop that overwhelming dryness in my mouth as I swallowed. I began to tap my fingers across my thigh as if I were playing the piano.

"It's a bad one, huh?" Maggie, this little red-headed speed freak, leaned over to ask. I just shook my head, kept my eyes clamped shut and began to hum Bella's song in my head to help drown out the noise in my brain that came on like lightning when the cravings hit.

"Edward, go see the nurse." Janice said as I just nodded and got up to leave.

If only I'd made that one choice differently, think of how different my life would be now.

We had filled the bathtub full of hot water and bubbles before we both climbed in and sat down to face one another. The tub was huge, and our legs stretched out across the space to join us before I grabbed her foot and began to massage it like old times.

"I've really missed you." She said as I looked at her. She gazed back at me with a longing on her face I hadn't seen in years.

"I've missed you, too." I whispered back.

She giggled as my thumb stroked across the bottom of her foot and tickled her. It was the sweetest sound I could ever remember as she giggled again and a smile a mile wide broke out on her face.

"Are you happy on the road?" She asked as I moved my hands down to massage her tiny calves.

They were nothing but bone and muscle under the soft flesh; it made me wonder if she ever ate.

"Sometimes, but not really." I answered truthfully.

"But you get to play your music, you get to perform for thousands of people. Isn't that what you wanted?" Her eyes bore into me, almost like they wanted me to concede that I'd made the wrong choice. That I should have chosen her instead.

"Yeah, I mean, I get to play my music, but the band has changed so much of it and a lot of the songs don't even resemble what they originally were anymore. And performing gets old night after night ... nameless faces in the crowd, drunken brawls and clingy groupies. It's really not the life for me." I didn't want to tell her all the horror stories, but I wanted her to know I missed her and wasn't happy without her. "Besides, it keeps me away from you for so long at a time, sometimes I think I will lose my mind without you there with me."

"Edward?" Her voice was soft and emotional as I looked up at her. She sat with her chin just above the bubbles, her beautiful hair on top of her head and those gorgeous brown eyes wide and full of wetness.

"Yes, Princess?" I asked and sat up a little taller.

"Hold me?" She asked as the tears began to fall from her eyes. I pushed her leg out of my hands and pulled her to me, my arms enclosed all the way around her. I felt all her ribs under my hands as they held her to me. I could feel the knots of her spine against my forearms, and I knew she was in serious trouble with her weight. I made a mental note to speak to her about it, later though.

"I've got you, baby ... I've got you." I whispered in her ear as I listened to her sobs and felt her grip on me tighten as her arms wrapped around my neck and her legs around my waist.

"I need you so much." She cried into my neck before her lips began to kiss every inch of skin she could reach. It didn't take long until I couldn't stop myself as I pushed into her. Bella's sweet body sank all the way down over my cock. She rode me slow and steady as the water swished around us and over the edge of the tub.

She clung to me; she pushed me back; she scraped my back with her nails ... and I let her.

I filled her body time and time again as she rose up and came back down. Her emotions charged me on, and I was along with her on the journey through whatever demons she battled at the moment.

She threw her head back and moaned my name as I felt her body seize up and her nails burned into the skin of my biceps. I pumped up into her one, two, three more exquisite times before my own release ripped from me, and I saw stars at the overwhelming feeling of it all.

"Masen?" I heard the nurse call my attention as I sat in the chair outside her office.

"Yeah ... um yeah." I answered, my voice was still thick with emotions I felt from that moment just a few short months ago with Bella.

I never got to ask what demons she battled ... and I regretted that now more than ever.

And, at this rate, I might never know.


	18. 9B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from Patience by Guns N Roses, no copyright infringment was intended, they just fit perfectly there so I used them.

Bella

 

I was in heaven, Edward was here with me. He held me so close when we actually did get some sleep. There wasn't really much of that getting done though. I woke to him climbing into bed behind me, and almost as soon as his body touched mine, we were making love. He woke me up two more times during the night and made love to me again. I did whatever he told me to do; he controlled my body, and it felt oh so good. I equated his love by the actions of our physical lovemaking. I'm not sure if that was right or wrong, but I did. I didn't really care. I simply pressed my body a little closer to him and relished the feeling of him as he stirred next to me.

"Hey baby, what are you doing awake?" His sleep roughened voice turned me on beyond belief. I wasn't sure if Edward was ready, but I was certainly open to a round three … or wait, would this be four? Either way, I stretched and made sure my breasts slightly brushed across his chest. His hand was immediately there, holding my right breast and turning me towards him. His kiss was rough, but sweet at the same time. It showed his desperation and want for me. I returned every single emotion and reaction he gave. I felt the same as he did … desperate.

His body came to rest on top of me, and I relished the contact, it made him real. It made what we had real. Finally, after all of the years we had to wait, we were finally here. I opened my legs and waited for him to enter me. This would be a memory I would cherish for the rest of my life. All the while, I prayed this would not be the last time I had Edward in this way. I begged even. I knew if my mother had any say, it would never happen again ... ever. In fact, she would be happy if Edward Masen was wiped off the face of the earth so her control over my life could continue for as long as possible. I mean we all know it won't be forever, because a ballerina's life has a very short life span. So I can at least look forward to the end, whenever that might be.

I snapped back to the here and now as Edward spoke to me. "I love you, Princess. God, you feel so good." His face dropped down to kiss me, and I gladly allowed him in. "I love the way my hands look wrapped around you, baby girl. You make me feel so strong when I'm with you." He dropped another kiss on me. I understood this strength he spoke about, I felt the same way. I knew when he was there I had other options. I could stand up to my mom and make my own choices, not just follow along like a lamb to the slaughter. That is why she hated him so much. She knew he had the power to take me away from her and the life she wanted for me. "Don't over think this, Princess, just feel me, feel us, enjoy it."

I guess I was too in my head with the over thinking Edward spoke about. It almost made me laugh because typically Edward was the over thinker of our relationship, but I guess the tables can turn with just a simple thought. "I'm sorry, it's just so overwhelming sometimes. How, Edward? How are we going to make it out of this together?" I asked. I know I shouldn't have right now. I mean he was making love to me, and I questioned our longevity, but I had to know. I had to know this was something we would fight for, we would fight to stay together.

Edward rolled our bodies, and I now sat astride of him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me as close as we could both physically get to each other. "Never let them make you doubt us, okay? I mean it, we," his hand waved across the small distance in between us, "Are all that matters. We'll find a way. I'll find a way to get you out of there and make you happy. I swear it with my life." His eyes held such intensity. It scared me if someone would ever get in his way and to what lengths he would go to keep his promise to me.

I pulled him back to me so our chests touched again and kissed him. I began to move over him, and his hands held my hips to help me move along. I cringed as he watched my hips and knew he was judging me for the weight I had lost. I knew he liked me with a little more weight on me, but I had to keep it off for my dance. I had to be the best and couldn't afford to allow a few extra pounds on me to hold me back. When my time to dance was done, I would do whatever Edward wanted, a few extra pounds … I would gladly give that to him. But for now, I had to play by the rules for just a while longer.

"That's it, baby, fuck you feel so damn good. Oh, yes, you feel that right?" I could only nod at him. I was too scared I would break down and embarrass myself. "Promise me you'll always be like this with me, Bella. Promise me." He took his hand and forced my eyes to meet his. I nodded. "No, Bella, say the words. Tell me, let me know you feel the same thing as I do." Tears began to leak from my eyes as I took in a large breath.

"I do, Edward. I always have. I love you and promise it will always be this way for us." I couldn't wait to wake up every morning next to him. I knew without a doubt he would protect me with everything he had. Edward's mouth attacked my neck and any free space of skin he could reach while I still moved over him. I knew after his words and declarations of love it wouldn't be long before he had me falling over the edge again. I threw my head back and allowed Edward's mouth access to more of my skin, and he didn't disappoint me at all. The slow warmth spread and became a raging fire. Normally I would have questioned the engulfing feelings, they would have scared the hell out of me. But not with Edward. He would never hurt me, so I simply allowed the sensation to weave it's way through my body and do whatever it wanted while it was there.

"Oh yeah, just like that Knight. Oh, damn, you're so good, I'm so close." I marveled. I knew neither of us had had lots of sex before, but this came natural to us. We fit, we worked and all the other clichés you read about. Well they wrote them about us, because this was perfection between us.

"Just let it happen, baby, fall apart for me. Let me see you do it one more time, please." The plea in his voice was my final push. I don't know if I cried out or not. In my mind I did. I can't remember shit that happened, but I know it felt incredible, magical and just like home. I wanted this again and again.

Edward's body began to jerk involuntarily, and I knew he tried his hardest not to crush me to him like he did the first time. I could see his hands grasp for anything within reach to hold onto instead of me. The slight bruises on my body disturbed him, but I saw them as a bonus I would get to keep for a few more days to remind me of what we shared. I wouldn't let him ruin my perfect night, no matter how much he thought he had already.

"Hold me, Edward. I want to feel how much you enjoy this … us … together … so hold me when you come so I'll know." That did it, because he grabbed my hips and shouted my name as he pulled me down onto his lap and held me still. I watched his face as he came. It softened his features, and I could see the truly beautiful soul hid behind his rough façade he showed to everyone each day. I loved him. I think I always had.

I kissed his face, and he pulled me back down to the bed to snuggle with him again. Soon we both fell asleep, still wrapped as close as we could get to each other.

Several days later I woke up, my body felt worked over. In fact it had been worked over, a lot. Edward had walked through that door exactly, I glanced over at the clock, 36 hours ago, and we had spent our entire time naked with each other.

Sometimes we were in the bed, and sometimes we were in the bath tub, but we were always naked.

In fact the only reason Edward was not naked right now was that I had a craving for some cinnamon buns, so he ran to Starbucks for us. Two coffees and a few cinnamon buns won't take that long, right?

I stretched and contemplated a shower. I decided to wait for Edward. Maybe he'd fuck me against the cool tiles again. That was an indescribable feeling, his hot body pressed against my back while my chest pressed against the dark slate tiles. Hot and cold, it all ran together and combined to make a cherry bomb inside of my stomach. The explosion that followed surprised both Edward and me. Who knew that would be one of my triggers?

I heard the phone ring in the front room, but I ignored it. No one except for Edward knew where I was and he had a key card to get back in, so there was no reason to call me. I would not let anything get in the way of our time together.

I touched my lips and ran my hand across my stomach. I contemplated how Edward saw me. I wondered if he saw me as beautiful or if he felt like my body could use some work? I knew he called me beautiful, but I had a hard time believing he actually meant it in its truest sense of the word or if it had merely became a pet name. I never felt like I deserved him. He was destined for greatness, and I was just a mere dancer.

Dancing would never change the world. In fact, if I never danced again, I would be forgotten. Not like Edward, he had written songs that inspired people. They made people move and feel good. I would never have that. My only hope was to keep him happy so he would feel encouraged to continue to write. That would be my contribution to society. I would make the man that made them happy, happy.

I heard the forceful knock on my door. I giggled to know that Edward was back, and in a matter of minutes, my naked body would be again pressed against his. I wrapped the sheet around my body on the small chance it was the maid or someone from the hotel staff. No need to give them a show. I heard another knock and emitted a full on laugh. He was so impatient.

I rushed towards the door, singing the whole way.

Said woman take it slow

It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience

Said sugar, make it slow

And we'll come together fine

All we need is just a little patience

Patience, patience, patience

Ooh, oh, yeah

I yanked open the door and imagined how Edward's face would show his surprise that I remembered one of his favorite songs. But instead I was met with the angry face of Renee Swan and her henchmen. She grabbed my arm and forced me back into the room. I heard the door slam, and I prayed Edward would be back soon. He would know what to do, because I had no clue. Renee was my kryptonite, my one weakness I couldn't fight against. I had no idea how I would get out of this without Edward's help.

"So this is how you pay back my years of love and devotion." I opened my mouth to speak, but Renee pushed me down on the couch. "You listen here, girl, I will not have this … this fool ruin your chances at greatness. You go and get your ass dressed right the fuck now!" Renee bellowed. I had never heard her this angry, especially at me. I stood but stumbled around. My mind was at war, part of me wanted to listen to her as I had my whole life and the other part wanted to tell her to get the hell out of here and leave me be.

"But … Edward …" I trailed off as I saw the anger deepen in her eyes.

"Edward is gone, Bella. Do you think a simple girl like you would ever hold his attention? He has millions of women who are willing to do whatever his perverted little mind wants to do to them." Renee reached a hand out and one of the henchmen handed her a packet of papers. She tossed them on the coffee table at me. They landed with precision to show off exactly what she wanted to showcase. It was Edward surrounded by several women, his pants were undone and his shirt was half pulled up. One girl kissed his neck and another's hand slid towards the waistline of the last obstacle between her and Edward's cock. His head was thrown back and his eyes closed. I knew that look. I had seen it several times over the last 36 hours. It was his look of pleasure. He was enjoying what they were doing to him.

I gasped and threw the pictures to the floor. Her look of satisfaction was all the fuel I needed. "You can go to hell. He loves me. He told me so, he would never do that to me." I hated the way my voice dropped in volume and assurance the more I spoke. He wouldn't do that to me, would he? I mean he had told me how much he hated the road and all the things that happened while he was out there. This had to be a hoax.

"Bella." Renee threw her head back and laughed 'til tears ran down her face. "Really, baby, did you think he cared about you?" I shrugged. I figured the less I said, the less fuel she would have for her fire. "He was your childhood friend, nothing more. You two are in two different places. Would you really want to put a damper on his career like that by being with him? I mean really, think how many of his fans would desert him if they knew you two together, it would ruin him. Those girls don't want him for his music, they want his dick. Grow up. Now, get yourself dressed so we can get the hell out of this flea bit place." She turned to talk to the two guys she had with her and effectively dismissed me to do as she said. She assumed I would simply do what she said, like I always had. Well, I would show her.

"Fuck off, Mother!" I shouted. I wrapped the sheet further up around me and held on. Just a few more minutes until Edward got here, and her charade would be over. She couldn't divide and conquer if we were together.

"Bella! That is no way to speak to me. Now go and get dressed." She turned to look at the taller man with her as she spoke again. "See what he's done to her? She is rude and low-class now." Her sigh spoke volumes.

"No, I'm not going." I stood my ground again. "I'm waiting for Edward."

"Edward? Well sweet thing, he's got what he wanted, and he's off to bigger and better. Did you think your pussy was made of gold and it would keep him happy? I told you, Bella, he has plenty of women ... supermodels, actresses, and singers ... that would understand him way better than you would. Let him go, and let's concentrate on your dance. It's all you have, don't you understand that?" Her voice rose and broke as she spoke. I could see the panic and defeat as it showed in her eyes. I felt so sorry for her.

"No, he's on his way to Starbucks for breakfast, that's all." I sounded smaller and smaller with each comment. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Why did I have to be so damn selfish and want cinnamon buns? If I had just ordered from the damn room service, he would still be here with me and this wouldn't happen.

"Bella, get real. How long has he been gone? What did he take with him? Did he leave any proof he would be back?" I looked around the room and realized he had taken every single thing he brought with him. He had left nothing in the room at all. I rushed through the door of the bedroom and could smell his body where it laid on the sheets for the last day and a half. It overwhelmed me, and I ached for him. Once again, I couldn't find a single item that said he would be back for me. Nothing.

I dropped to the floor and cried. Renee gathered me up in her arms and held me. "It's okay, baby. We'll get you out of here and back on that stage. He'll see how special you are when you dance. He won't be able to resist you, and you can relish the fact that you can tell him to kiss your ass." I nodded. I knew I would never tell Edward that, but it was easier to just follow along with Renee. I really had no one else. Edward had been gone too long for a simple Starbucks run, and I was out of time. I knew I would have to walk out of this room at the end of the weekend alone. The end just came much sooner than I expected, that's all.

I stood up and pushed Renee away. "That's it, sweetie, shake him off, and let's get going." I faked a smile and nodded again. When Renee left the room, I dressed and gathered the few things I had in my bag when I checked in.

Within a few minutes, I was out the door. I turned to look back and memorize all I could about it. This would be on my list of top five nights of my life. Well, actually two of my best nights.

The next few weeks I danced, worked out and cried myself to sleep. Renee tried to cheer me up by taking me shopping in Europe. Like fashion and handbags would change the hurt in my heart. I didn't hear from Edward after he walked out the door of our room, but it never stopped me from thinking about him.

I had no idea if what Renee said was the truth or not, but I knew it didn't change anything for me. I would love him for the rest of my life, regardless of how he felt.


	19. 10A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is our dear Edward as he is in rehab for the second time recapping his first time...gah, he just makes me want to hold him and love him until he is all better!

EPOV

I sit in another therapist's office at rehab number two and look around at all plaques on the wall. I wonder what I would have on the walls of my own office, if I had one.

Would I have gone on to college?

Would I have wedding photos of Bella and I?

Would I have accolades from the various companies I could have toured with over the years?

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed loudly.

How did our lives get so utterly fucked up? Hell, at this point I don't even know where Bella is.

Charlie moved away; I knew this for sure because I now owned her house, and God only knows where Renee had drug my Princess off too.

There was a knock on the door followed by it opening as Dr. Carmen poked her head in, "Ready?" she said with a small smile as I nodded at her.

She walked in, grabbed a notepad off her desk and sat down across from me.

"How are you today, Edward?" she asked while I fidgeted in my seat.

The urge to light a cigarette was overwhelming, "I'd be better if I could smoke." I answered her honestly and lay back on the sofa.

"Sorry, no smoking indoors, you know that." As she began to tap her pen on her tablet.

"I know, it just calms me." I rubbed my palms down the thigh of my jeans and sat forward with my elbows on my knees.

"What did you want to talk about today?" Dr. Carmen asked as she started to write something on her paper.

"Oh … well, isn't it kind of your job to tell me what to talk about?" I replied and ran my hand through my hair again.

She narrowed her eyes and smirked at me, "You know how this all works, Edward. Now, something caused you to panic today, so why don't you just start with that?"

She loved to goad me, she knew what worked and she used it.

"Regret," I answered simply.

She paused and waited for me to continue.

"I realized the ramifications of one single choice I made when I was sixteen."

Dr. Carmen gave me a flat smile and hesitated before she spoke, "So, explain the choice you made and how it led you to this realization."

I looked around the room, sighed and ran my hands down my face before I sat back, "I had a choice to play with the band or go to Europe with the symphony. I knew what Bella wanted me to do, but the lure of writing and playing my own music was a much bigger draw to me at that time. So, I chose to go a separate road from her in our careers. It basically destroyed us both."

"How do you think it destroyed you both?" she asked quickly.

"I started doing drugs, got lost on the road and was miserable the whole time because she wasn't a part of my life." I picked at a string on my jeans. "She became completely dependent on Renee and was living in the dance world twenty-four seven," I admitted and felt my own rage increase at the thought of Renee.

"You aren't responsible for Bella's path in life, Edward," Dr. Carmen said, as if I should just know that fact.

"See, that's where you're wrong. While I may not be directly responsible, I was her only outlet from the real world. Renee kept her completely sheltered and isolated. I was the only one that ever got to know the real Bella … my Princess." I glared at the good doctor and challenged her to deny that I was right.

"Edward, Bella had the choice to say no to her mother. She could have told her father. She could have gone to the authorities if she felt she was being abused." Her voice sounded cold when she spoke.

I balked, "You don't know anything about that relationship and exactly how fucked up it was. Bella could never have gone against Renee. The only time she ever did was in regards to me, when she wanted me in her life. And now, Renee has pulled us apart once again. I only hope Bella faired a lot better than I did. I hate to think of something happening her to." I felt my chest tighten and my breathing began to pick up as I thought about anything hurting my Princess.

"Tell me about the first time you went to rehab, why you ended up there and how you left." Dr. Carmen asked me this like we'd never discussed it, or at least discussed as much as I had been willing to discuss it at the time.

I blew out a breath.

Fuck.

I didn't want to think about it, much less talk about it, but I knew I had to or it would continue to drag me back under.

"Bella and I spent graduation night together. It was the first time either of us had sex. It solidified what we meant to one another. Then poof … we were apart on opposite ends of the earth, living separate lives. Her mother made sure we had no contact. I spiraled out of control, but not before I bought her childhood home." I drew in a deep breath and let my mind go back to that day Jasper drove me home.

I got out of the car in front of my parents' house, but couldn't take my eyes off the Swan's empty house. I wanted to crawl up the back of the house like I'd been doing for years and into Bella's bedroom window. I knew she wasn't there. I wasn't even sure if she would ever be there again.

I felt my chest tighten once again.

I needed a fix.

Soon.

"See you in a few days, okay bro?" Jasper called to me as he sat my bags on the grass beside my feet.

"Sure." I mumbled and suddenly heard my mother squeal on her front porch.

I tore my eyes from that house and watched as my mother cried and my father smiled at me.

I felt like shit.

They loved me and cared about me. Yet, all I had managed to do these past few years was hurt and disappoint them, time and time again.

Fuck.

Two days later I was in Bella's empty bedroom, all traces of her removed except for the indentions on the carpet of where her furniture once sat.

I hurt all over for her… so I pulled out the new stash I had purchased earlier in the day and sat in the middle of the floor to shoot up.

I felt the tears on my cheeks as I laid back and let the tar work its way through my system. Vivid memories of nights spent in this very spot replayed over and over in my mind.

Wiping Bella's tears when she was exhausted and in pain.

Kissing Bella's various bruises from a brutal practice.

Hearing Bella's quiet giggle when I told her some lame joke.

Holding my Princess in the dark and feeling her warmth surround me in her love.

Fuck.

I jumped up and started to pace around the room.

I punched a hole through the drywall.

I threw open the closet door and let my eyes scan for anything Bella left behind ... a forgotten hair pin, a misplaced item of clothing … anything that had a trace of her on it.

It wasn't until I stepped into the closet that I saw it.

A thin strip of black and white pictures we had taken in one of those crappy photo booths at some mall somewhere. It was taped to the wall just inside the door frame.

You had to actually stand in the closet to see it.

The pictures were taken when we were about ten or eleven years old. Even then you could see our love for one another.

One snapshot we had our arms around each other's shoulders and were smiling.

One snapshot had us making funny faces at the camera.

One snapshot had us with our heads in various positions of laughter.

Then the last shot … the telltale shot.

There it was.

Us.

Love.

Our foreheads touching, our eyes only on each other, in our own little world.

Fuck.

I screamed out her name into the silent air of the vacant house.

I kicked at anything my feet could reach.

I screamed and cursed Renee Swan for existing.

I pummeled the wall until my knuckles were bloody and throbbing.

When my tantrum was over, I tore the strip of pictures off the wall and sat back down on the carpet. I filled another syringe and shot up again. I repeated this action over and over again.

I vaguely remember my mother screaming my name and crying.

I remember hearing my father yelling at someone to hurry up.

The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital room where I faced my parents who seemed to have aged well beyond their years in a few short moments.

A week later, I was in rehab for the first time.

I closed my eyes and let the tears flow as I relayed this story to Dr. Carmen.

"I almost killed my parents," I whispered as I cringed inside for the hurt I've continued to cause Elizabeth and Ed, Sr. They deserved better than a son like me.

"You almost killed yourself." I heard her voice quietly bring me back to the present.

I opened and wiped my eyes, "I did. At that point, I truly wanted to die from the pain of losing my Princess."

That was the first time I'd ever admitted that to anyone. It hurt like a mother fucker to say, too.

"But, it didn't stop you from realizing your mistake, did it?" Her eyes held mine as she pushed me to continue.

"No. Bella called me. She needed me. She sounded so broken." I said and twirled my pack of cigarettes around in my hands. As strange as it sounded, just the action of holding the cigarettes soothed me.

"But what if you'd been dead, Edward? Don't you see how reckless you are with your life? If you claim to love her so much, how do you think your death would have affected hers in that moment?" I closed my eyes, unable to look at her for fear of what I think would have happened.

"Fuck, I don't know. I've always been there for her. I'll always be there when she needs me. That won't ever change." I adamantly admitted.

"So you just left rehab after fifteen days, only three weeks after a near fatal overdose on heroin to go and rescue Bella?" The way she said it, made it sound like it was the stupidest decision I'd ever made, and that just pissed me off.

I slammed my hand down on the couch beside me, "She needed me."

"Why?" Was all she asked.

I rubbed my chest and closed my eyes before I whispered, "I don't know."

Fuck.

I still don't know why my Princess was so upset, so desperate, so needy. And, it pissed me off even further; at myself, at Renee, at the motherfucking record company for demanding I come to rehab again.

"So you checked yourself out of rehab, flew from Seattle to New York to help her for no particular reason, that you know of?" Once again, she pushed me to the point where I felt deep-seated anger begin to nudge at the corners of my mind.

"She had her reasons. We just never got around to discussing them before that bitch of a mother kidnapped her," I said through gritted teeth and fought to keep the tears threatening to spill from my bloodshot eyes.

"So, if you don't know her reasons for needing you, did the two of you not talk the entire time you spent together?" I felt like my chest was being ripped in two as I let the hurt of Bella's abandonment all over again.

"We talked. We talked a lot, actually. But, she asked for us to just be 'us' for a little while. I was still detoxing, and she was in agony. We left it at that ... neither of us wanted to confess our demons. We spent our time together in our own little happy bubble, like our lives should be spent." I spoke the words and let the anguish and resentment wash over me.

"You went out for breakfast and came back to an empty hotel room?" Dr. Carmen had a way to pull me from that dark corner of my mind back into the present with just a few words.

"No, it wasn't empty. Some asshole security guard was there and told me if I tried to contact Bella they would have me arrested for stalking her," I bitterly spat at Dr. Carmen.

"But, here you are now … how did that happen?" She scribbled something on her notepad, and I grabbed the bottle of water off the table in front of me.

"I spent a few days getting fucked up, just like the first time." I snapped.

She tsk'd at me and looked at the clock, "Time's up for today. Good job, Edward. You seem to be making progress."

I didn't feel like I was making any fucking progress.

Without Bella in my life, there was never any real progression, at least not in my mind.

My life wouldn't start until she was in it every day.

Six Months Later

Life on the road sucked ass ... like big, fat man's hairy ass.

I'm tired of sleeping in this bus. I'm tired of seeing the faces of the assholes I travel with.

I'm just fucking tired.

I don't want to play music anymore, at least not with these guys. The same old songs, the same damn gig, night after night.

I'm just fucking tired of my life.

My parents begged me to come home after I got out of rehab the second time. But being in that town, in that house, and around them. I just couldn't do it. It all reminded me of her.

Her face.

Her smell.

Her love.

Fuck, I missed her.

When we were together those three night in New York, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I didn't need drugs or booze. I had Bella. Then that bitch, Renee, had to fuck it all up. She tore Bella away from me, again. She hid her away and wouldn't let her call me or see me.

So, I went on a binge. I blew ten grand in three days before my dad finally showed up and pulled the needle out of my arm.

I probably would have died that night without his intervention, I was so fucking high.

I still shoot up, just not as much or as often. I'd like to walk the hell away from it all but when the demons invade my mind and the ache for Bella gets too strong, I have to push them away somehow ... tar is the only way to do that.

No matter that my parents thought I had six months sobriety under my belt. They weren't here when the pain got to be too much or the need to flee took a hold of me.

A little hit now and then wouldn't hurt, right?

Fuck, I miss her.

"Get your ass out of bed, Masen." One of the guys yelled through the door of the bus at me.

"Fuck off." I yelled back. I'm in no mood for their shit today, and I'm certainly not ready to perform.

Just as I contemplated lighting up a joint, the little curtain along my bed opened and some dirty blond with too much make up and tits that hung out of her top, looked me up and down with a large smile plastered across her fake-assed face.

"Need some help getting up, Eddie?" Her breath reeked of pot and stale beer.

"Fuck no! Get the hell out of here, you skanky fucking bitch!" I screamed and pulled the curtain closed again.

Fuck. I needed to get high and was all outta smack.

"Jasper!" I yell.

"Yeah?" He grunted back from across the aisle where his bunk was.

"Come here." I demanded.

"Fuck off, I'm getting my nuts waxed." He grunted, again.

He probably had that little tiny bitch in there sucking him off. Figures, he's had her on the road with us for a few weeks now. I'm sick of seeing her face and hearing her voice. She always tried to tell me I needed to get over myself.

What the fuck did she or anyone else for that matter, know about my life? Not a god damn thing, that's what.

I pulled out my composition book and sat up in the bed, well as much as I could since I was in a small bunk on the bus. I hated this fucking bus.

"We're staying in a fucking motel tonight." I yelled.

The guys only replies were 'yeahs' and 'whatever' ... fuck them all.

I opened the book and a picture fell out from between the pages. It was a picture of Bella in full dance uniform as she performed when we were sixteen.

God, she was so fucking beautiful. I loved to watch her dance as I sat behind the piano. To gaze upon the graceful lines of her little body. The way her face held the emotion of the music as she her body enacted the motions to match. It always made my dick hard to just watch her.

It made my heart ache to hold her in my arms again.

I had no fucking clue where she even was nowadays. She was probably over in Europe to perform some Masterpiece show that's all the rage for a bunch of stuffed shirt assholes that thought they were more important than the rest of the motherfucking world.

I never imagined this was how our lives would end up. We should be together, living in happiness. It's all we had talked about when we were younger. We'd have a house in the suburbs, maybe a kid or two. I'd teach music somewhere while she had her own dance studio ... it was our dream.

Fuck dreams. Look what believing in a dream got me … that's right ... jack fucking shit!

"Masen, get your motherfucking ass out of that bed and get dressed. We'll be at the venue in less than twenty minutes." I heard Peter scream at me from outside the curtain that covered my bunk.

Fuck.

"Peter?" I called.

"Yeah?" He answered, his tone was a littler calmer as he spoke to me this time.

"Come here." I said as I tried to withhold the desperation in my voice.

He pulled back the curtain by my head. "What do you need?" He asked with a wicked grin. It was useless of him to ask. He already knew; he could tell by the inflection in my voice exactly what I wanted or needed; he knew how much and how quickly I needed it. He was a smart fucker and kept me supplied without any problems, he was my favorite for that reason.

"I need a hit, like now." I said and watched as he pulled a little baggie from his pocket.

"Just one," He cut his eyes at me and waited until I nodded at him before he handed me the bag. "I need you on point tonight. The record producers for our next album will be in the audience, so give 'em a great show." He said as he handed me the baggie and a fresh needle.

"Fuck off." I said and pulled the curtain closed.

I got all my little tools out and prepared my hit after tying up my arm.

Once that needle hit my vein, I laid back and let the drugs take over.

No more dreams.

No more hurt.

No more Bella.

I was lost in the sea of lights and movement ... soft whispers and hard pushes ... echoes of praise and numbed limbs.

In this swell of ecstasy, it was easy for me to remember the moments of happiness in my life without the burden of the pain or regret, there were no aches of longing. I rode this tide of high with Bella beside me, under me, and within me ... I heard her as she called out my name as she came for the first time.

I laid there until Peter forced me to my feet, helped me get dressed and poured a glass of whiskey down my throat.

"Show time, Eddie." He said with a smirk as he pushed me out the door of the bus.

Fuck, there were too many bright lights and screaming chicks.

Jasper pulled me along with him as we made our way into the building.

There was a girl ... she stood by the door. She had long brown hair and these sad doe eyes. I had to look several times to make sure, because fuck, she certainly made me think Bella had mysteriously appeared before me. I needed something to bring me back up and make me forget again, anything that would make me want to be here right now and not on some plane headed across the ocean to get Bella and bring her home with me.

I grabbed at the first thing I could reach, and when Jasper turned to look at me I began to explain. "Jazz, I need another hit," I said into his ear as we walked down the hallway. He looked me over.

"No man, you've had enough." He said with a scowl as he took in my appearance.

"Fuck, man. You don't know when I've had enough ... you don't even tell me shit about it. I tell you when. Now, give me another fucking hit." I all but screamed.

"Shut the fuck up, dude. Wait 'til we get to the dressing room, okay?" He angrily replied as he grabbed my arm, so he could force me to move with him.

Fuck, I thought as my brain came out of its fog and drifted towards clarity.

I felt my surroundings and realized I was in a bed ... somewhere.

My head pounded. My eyes felt like they were glued together, and my mouth tasted like ass as I tried my hardest to figure out where the hell I was.

"Edward? Son, open your eyes." I heard the crystal clear voice of my father.

Fuck. How long was I out?

"Edward, please?" This new voice told me my mother was here too.

"Where am I?" I asked as I was finally able to open my eyes a sliver. Just a sliver was all I could manage because the lights were way too fucking bright for someone in my condition. My father gave a slight chuckle, and I heard a slap immediately follow it. I must have said that last part out loud to my father's amusement.

"Well, I'm glad your sense of humor is fine, but you are not. You are in the hospital, son. You almost died ... again." I heard the disappointment and concern loud and clear in my mother's voice.

I opened my eyes all the way in order to take in the stark white glare of the room I was in as my parent's silhouettes came into focus.

"What the fuck happened?" I asked as my mother handed me a glass of water.

"What always happens, Edward? You got high, and apparently kept getting high." She set the glass back down on the side table and turned back to face me. "You collapsed on stage, and they brought you here," her voice was chocked full of contempt when she spat the word they. "They called us and then all ran off to leave you to fend for yourself ... once again." My dad's sad sigh hurt my heart. I had disappointed the two people who cared the most about me in this world, yet again.

"I'm sorry, mom and dad." I said honestly, because I really did mean it.

"Please, Edward. Please will you get some help now, son?" My mom asked as her tears started to fall.

Fuck.

"Are you having chest pain?" My dad asked.

I vaguely recalled the last time someone asked that question years ago. I looked down to once again find my hand rubbing a circle over my heart.

Damn.


	20. 10B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now to address a few questions I have seen over and over again in my reviews...Bella is a brainwashed person, she is almost like a battered wife who has gone through years and years of mental abuse from Renee. So while it is easy for us to say why doesn't she just leave...it's not so easy for her to just do that! And Edward...sighs...well I think we say in the last chapter why he hasn't made more happen in their relationship. Add on to that they are both scared to death that they are the only one that feels the love, that it is a one sided thing. We know that is just crazy talk but they don't! So, be patient with them. We promise that they are not going through drama just for the sake of drama. It will all mean something later, we promise. And just so you know, last chapter, this chapter and the next chapter are my favorite ones we have ever written together.
> 
> I think this is the chapter you all have been looking for in so many ways, for so many reasons! Trust my Kyla and I have been right along with you, we have ranted, cried and cheered as well! More info down below for you all but for now, go and read!

Bella

 

Part of me wants to say I tried harder to look for Edward after EJ died, but it would be a lie. In the beginning I did, but then self doubt seeped in, and I was just too damned scared. I was scared he would look me in the eye and tell me I wasn't good enough for him, that I was never good enough and he just stuck around until he found something better. Until he found someone more famous than me, someone that was a better fit with his lifestyle.

Because I didn't fit him at all; he loved modern music, I only listened to classical. He liked to dance, I only knew ballet. He loved movies and pop culture, I was cut off from the world except what pertained to ballet dancing. We shared some interests, but even those were far apart, books ... I liked classic and love stories, he like sci-fi and fantasy; and art ... he was very modern in his choices, and well, I was … classic in mine. I knew nothing about his world, and he knew very little about mine. We clicked for so long, and I guess it was because we never judged either one for our likes and dislikes. We took each other for face value and let the rest of the stuff fall away.

The medication I continued to take made me fairly happy with my life, at least I wasn't miserable. It made it easier to cope with how things were, let me say that, it is a better description of it all. I let Renee run things, and I just showed up when and where she told me. She did a great job though; she took me to Paris, New York and even a few stops in Russia. I danced all of the ballets dancer dreams of. I had accomplished what I set out for but somehow it was never good enough for Renee. She always wanted one more, one more ballet, one more show, one more location, one more instructor to dance under. It was never enough. I just went along because what else did I have? Nothing.

It was almost four years to the day I lost EJ, when we found out Renee was sick. Well, not just sick, but dying. She had colon cancer. Within a week of her diagnosis, she was in the hospital. They did exploratory surgery to see if they could remove the tumor or not. Unfortunately, she waited too long. All they could do was close her up and make her comfortable. She lived for six months ... six hard, painful months. She could hardly eat and was miserable the whole time.

The one good thing about her illness was that she admitted she was finally ready to head home. Not just for a month or two, but really head home for good. The only problem was, by this time, Charlie was retired from the Police Force and now lived in Sausalito. Sausalito was a little fishing community in California; it figures Dad would retire there. The only place he spent more time than his fishing boat was his patrol car. He loved his job and took the safety of Forks' residents very seriously. Besides, what else did he have to do with his wife and only daughter off chasing their dream?

Since Charlie lived in a houseboat, we rented a house and moved Renee in to make her comfortable. I struggled with taking care of her at this time. The sick part of me rejoiced when she lost weight, even though I knew this was the opposite of what we wanted for her. I guess by this time, the brainwashing of all the years was so ingrained, it was hard not to want to be rail thin, even if it was for my mother who was no longer a dancer, who no longer had any reason to lose weight. In fact, she had every reason to pray to gain weight, to hold on to the precious thing that showed her body was doing well. Yet, I silently applauded her thin body each and every time I saw her without her clothes. I knew I needed therapy to deal with all the residual issues, but I would have time for that later. Later when Renee was gone and my last chance to bond with her was over. Then I would take care of my mental health, but for now, I would take care of her physical health.

The three of us talked and spent a lot of time getting to know one another again. Renee shared stories of her time when she danced and the knee injury that ended it all. We talked about love and life. I don't think we solved anything, but we certainly laid aside our differences. I guess it changes a person when you see another wither away before your eyes. You see their faults, but you see their love and devotion as well. I never acknowledged that part, how much love and devotion Renee had for me. It was admittedly sick and twisted, but it was love all the same.

I guess that is what started the whole ballet thing in the first place, her wanting me to have the fun and experiences she had. I can see how slowly it changed for her and became a beast of another burden. I didn't hate her so much anymore. I simply saw her for what she was, a woman who had flaws but tried the best she could.

I remember the day she wanted to talk about that box. She was sick, had just had a chemo treatment which meant she would spend the day throwing up. But today of all days, she wanted to talk. She pulled me into her bed with her and held my hands. I didn't remember her doing this since I was a child, so it sort of frightened me she did it now.

"Bella, there is a safe deposit box at the Forks Bank and Trust. It is mine. I have some jewelry there as well as some papers. When I die, go and get that stuff. I kept most of it for you. I have a will, and the lawyer has all of my insurance and legal papers, so don't worry about that. He will take care of things. Just get the stuff in the deposit box when you are ready. I'm sorry I wasn't better to you or let you live your life the way you wanted." Tears began to run down her face. I shushed her, now was not the time for regrets.

"Mom, you did the best you could, and I did the best I could. We all make mistakes, it's water under the bridge now. I love you." I kissed her forehead and realized she was clammy and almost green looking. I ran for a wash cloth, but by the time I made it back to her room, she had already begun to throw up. I cleaned her up and made her go to sleep so she would feel better. That was the last time she brought up the safe deposit box or its contents.

I loved her and held her hand when she died. I would miss her terribly now that she was gone, because for so much of my life it was her and me. No friends, no boyfriends, just her and I as we traveled to the different shows. She was the majority of my life and now I was sort of stuck as to what to do with myself.

Charlie and I buried my mother and moved out of our rental house. I sat stoically through the ceremony honoring Renee's life. I greeted and talked with all the people she considered so important. The only oddity of it all that struck me was the fact none of these people were really friends. They were acquaintances she made in the ballet world. To be honest, most of them were probably glad she was dead and gone.

After all the guests were gone and it was just Charlie and I, we sat and just looked at each other. We both seemed oddly detached, for different reasons. He because he had spent a life on the police force and saw so many things that another death for him must have been no big deal. Aside from the fact he is a man and deals with things differently, but me … I just didn't know how to feel. I was never given free reign over my emotions. I was always made to feel one way or another by Renee. So to now expect me to feel on my own without her guidance was crazy. I just didn't know how.

Charlie called in a good friend of his, a grief counselor, Charlotte Petersen, from the Forks Police Department, to help me deal with everything. She was used to helping people get over sudden and shocking news, usually life altering news others deliver. We talked several times, well, she talked and I listened.

"Bella, in a way, what you feel is almost like a battered wife. I know Renee never hit you physicially, but her emotional abuse was all the same. You have learned to compartmentalize all the tragedy in your life and never deal with it. You just lock it away and move on." I turned to look at Charlie. I knew it had to be hard for him to hear these things about his wife. He seemed fine, so I turned back to Charlotte. "One day all of this emotion you lock up will come out, and it won't be pretty. In fact, you might even need some professional help dealing with it. Please know the longer you hold it in, the harder it will be when it breaks free." She patted my hand, and her voice was so soft I almost wanted to open up to her. To tell her how I felt but at the same time I didn't. There was only one person I felt safe enough with to unlock those doors and admit my true feelings. He wasn't with me, and until he was, I would hold it all in. I needed him ... just him.

Charlotte left, but I saw her slip Charlie her cell phone number in case I ever needed anything. I would stick to my normal therapist and normal medication. I had him fooled into thinking I had dealt with all of this, and the meds took the edge off, so I was set. I would just continue to visit him and take my regular dose until I saw Edward again.

Everything went back to normal when all the guests and visitors finally left town. I stayed for a few weeks in Charlie's houseboat, but I knew that wasn't where I wanted to stay. I needed to get out, and Charlie encouraged me to do exactly that. We went to the lawyer's office and settled the estate. Charlie turned it all over to me. He had the money he made from selling the house in Forks because someone had paid more than his asking price. He also has his retirement, so he was set. I had mom's insurance settlement and the money she invested for me while I danced. I never made a fortune, but Renee was smart and hired the right guy to handle the money so it was invested wisely. I was set for life if I wanted to never work again, or I could go to school ... I could do whatever the hell I wanted.

I packed my things, bought a car and stopped by the bank to clean out her safe deposit box.

I slowly made my way into the bank and presented my key and identification to access the vault. I was shown the correct box and left alone. I don't know why, but I felt like this final step made it … final? I had no idea how to describe what I felt or thought. I just felt like I was finally an adult, like I was the one in charge. No one had a say on my life anymore. I decided.

I opened the box and pulled it out. When I flipped the lid open, I didn't even look inside. I simply stuffed every paper and jewelry box into a large envelope, sealed the envelope shut, put the box back in place and left the bank.

I drove and drove. I had no idea where I wanted to go or where I would end up. I made spur of the moment decisions and loved every second. I stopped in a hotel in Vegas. I ordered room service and took a quick shower. When I was in my pajamas with food in my lap, I opened the envelope and poured it across the bed.

I opened each box and looked at the treasure it held. I read the detailed description my Grandmother had hand written for us to tell when and how she received each item. And when I was finished with all of the jewelry, I moved on to the paperwork.

Several documents I recognized as paperwork involving investments she had made in my name, as well as several made in her name. Basically it was more money to track down when I got to a stopping point in my quest to find myself. But the final piece of paper in the stack made no sense to me.

It contained my name, her's and my father's, and several other names … Carlisle and Esme Cullen, who resided in Chicago, Illinois. Esme was Edward's mother's sister. I had met them both before several times during holidays when they came to visit. Esme wasn't able to have children, so I always remember how sweet and loving she was to us, how she loved to be around the kids as much as possible. She looked a lot like Edward in many ways, even more so than his mother.

I was stunned at the names on the paper and had no idea what all of this meant to me. Until I saw the date, a date I recognized, a date that changed my life. A date I will never forget, it was the day I lost EJ. I threw the paper across the room and began to pace. There was no way this was happening, no way this meant anything close to what I thought it might. It couldn't be. It just couldn't. I mean she was my mother, she wouldn't do something like that to her child. She wouldn't deprive me of the one thing in life that would have made me smile unconditionally. Would she?

I grabbed the papers and stuffed them away again along with the boxes. I left the food untouched outside my door and went immediately to bed, and I slept, hoping it would take away the doubt and fear that now lived in my heart. It didn't. I only ended up dreaming all night, scary dreams where children and people ran from me screaming how I never loved them and never wanted them. My mother and Edward stood off to the side watching and laughing about the fact no one wanted me now. No one in my dream cared that I didn't know or realize what happened, that it was all done behind my back. It didn't change a thing, they all still hated me.

I woke up in a sweat and ran for the toilet. I threw up the small amount of bile left in my stomach, as it had long since been emptied by me. I felt safe and normal here, perched over the edge of the white porcelain toilet. The cold surface gave me my strength back, and I felt in control again. I gagged and heaved a few more times just to maintain my control and when I realized my stomach was as empty as it could get, I stood and walked away.

I rinsed my face and hands, brushed my teeth and went back to the bedroom. Now I was ready to read the entire page, now I was ready to know.

I pulled it out and started at the top. By the time I reached the bottom, I realized Renee had signed for an emergency C- section for EJ, then signed away my rights as a parent by showing her power of attorney, basically giving up EJ to Carlisle and Esme Cullen to adopt. Then she signed for them to take me into surgery to stop the bleeding and lied to me when I woke up.

My son was still alive and being cared for.

She also had a disclosure Carlisle and Esme signed stating they would never reveal his real identity. They could only claim him as their adopted son and that they had no idea who and where he came from.

I sunk to the floor and cried. I cried at the betrayal of my mother, and the fact my child had been rocked to sleep by someone else he called mommy all these years. He was almost five years old, and I had no idea how he looked. I just cried.

At some point in time I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up holding the papers and slumped against the edge of the bed. I called Charlie, and after a frantic explanation, he relayed he had no idea. He was told the same story I was, that EJ died, and she turned his body over to the hospital.

I packed my stuff and made my way to the car and left Vegas. I was headed for Chicago. I had to see Carlisle and Esme. I had to know how my child was doing and get more details.

I couldn't rest until I had at least seen him. That was all I asked at this point in time, was to just get a glimpse of him. I drove like a madwoman and arrived on their doorstep unannounced.

It was the middle of the afternoon so I thought EJ might still be at school, turns out I was right. Carlisle answered the door and simply held it open and motioned me inside. He knew why I was there. I followed him through the house until we were standing in front of a bewildered Esme in her craft room.

"Carlisle, what is going on?" Her eyes soft and concerned, yet trusting all at the same time.

"Es, she knows." Was his response, and her eyes changed, they became fearful.

I asked the only question I could think of, "Why?"

Esme walked over to the seat opposite of me and sat down, then Carlisle took a seat as well. Reluctantly, I also sat. "It's simple, I wanted a child. My whole life began to revolve around the fact I couldn't have one. All the modern tests and procedures didn't help me at all. I was unable to carry a child, not conceive one. I got pregnant several times, but they all ended in miscarriages. My uterus is not strong enough. So when I saw my chance, I took it." She held my gaze the entire time she spoke, and I saw she wasn't at all ashamed of what she did. I didn't blame her for trying to get a child, I was just furious she took my child.

Carlisle began to speak then. "Bella, your mother contacted us and told us your situation. She explained it was an accidental pregnancy, and you didn't want it." When I began to protest, he put his hand up. "We know differently now, but then we didn't. She explained about the accident and that the baby was born perfectly healthy, but the adoption needed to take place right away. We flew to New York and stayed for two days. Her lawyer drew up the paperwork, and we left with our son." I gasped. My baby was a boy as I suspected. Carlisle continued. "We named him Joseph Riley Cullen after my father and call him Riley." I tried to hold my tears at bay. "I won't lie to you, Bella, and tell you we didn't have our suspicions all along, because we did. The fact your signature wasn't on the documents was the first one, but her lawyer assured us it was because you were in surgery and unable to sign for yourself. Since you were still eighteen, it was perfectly legal for her to have a power of attorney over you and sign for you under the situation. We also suspected something when she threatened us with a lawsuit and forced us to sign the papers that said we would never reveal where we got him. I mean I know all adoption records are sealed, but this seemed overboard. Eventually, we knew when his hair came in and his eyes turned colors. We knew, but by then, it was too late to say anything. We asked around and no one knew your whereabouts, much less Edward. And he became so angry each time we brought you up, so we stopped asking. We never heard from you, so we assumed what your mother said was true. You didn't want him to stand in the way of your career. So we raised and loved our son." His eyes held the conflict they must have felt; it was evident in both his and Esme's eyes. I saw they took advantage of a situation to help themselves. After all of this time, I had to say I was at least glad EJ was with someone that loved, cared and gave him the best of everything.

"So, where do we go from here?" I asked, unsure what they were offering and what I wanted.

"Well, that depends on you. Riley has lived his life for the last five years thinking we were his mother and father, so it will be hard on him to confess all of this now." I nodded my head. I didn't want him hurt in any way. "So, what if we allow you to see him as a friend of the family and get to know him that way. When he is older and a little bit more able to deal with this kind of news, then we will all sit down together and share it with him." I was happy with what Carlisle and Esme offered, but there was one more piece of the puzzle I needed to know.

"Do you know who his father is?" I asked.

"Yes, Bella, that was the part that was simple to figure out. His hair and eyes gave it away. To most people though, it just looks like he favors Esme more than me." I gasped again. It was more than I could hope for, a son that looked like Edward. My eyes filled with tears, and Esme move around to embrace me.

"Can I see him?" I asked.

"He's gone on an overnight trip with Carlisle's sister Irina and her two kids. He won't be back until Sunday afternoon." Esme offered. "I have some pictures until then."

She brought out six photo albums, and we looked through each one. She shared stories, and I saw his smile, his first steps, his first bath, his loose tooth, everything. I could not deny this woman loved her son, my son, our son.

She showed me his room, and we talked for a few more hours. I asked one finally question before I left. "Does Edward know?"

Carlisle spoke up as tears came to Esme's eyes. "No, Bella, he doesn't. He has seen Riley a few times but just a few. He only talks about how much he looks like Esme. They think they are cousins, but that is it. We didn't feel like it was our place to tell him and disrupt both of their lives. I guess now that is in your hands to tell him about the pregnancy first, then we can tell him about Riley." I nodded. "But, Bella, there are some things you need to know about Edward." I sat back down on the chair. "He's different than you knew him. His life has taken a downward spiral, and he needs help finding his way out. That was another reason we didn't tell him. We were worried it would cause more harm than good." Carlisle left that ambiguous statement to hang in the air. I was so confused.

"Why would it cause more harm, I mean isn't a son a good enough reason to turn your life around?" I asked.

"Well, Bella, Edward is a rock star. And rock stars party a lot with women and drugs are involved in a lifestyle we didn't want Riley around. And if we told Edward Riley was his son, he would want to be around him, a lot. So until Edward could get himself clean and sober, we didn't want him around." I couldn't control the sob that fell from my lips. Carlisle and Esme both were always very close to Edward. He was almost like a son to them as well, so to hear them say they didn't want him around was heartbreaking, and it gave me a good idea as to how far down he had sunk.

"Do you know where he is now?" I asked. They both shook their heads at me.

"I'm not sure anyone does at the moment. He lost touch with Ed and Liz about a year ago. We just pray he is alright."

I couldn't hear anymore right now, I had to process all I had heard so far today, so I thanked them and promised to be in touch.

Then I left and found a hotel room.


	21. 11A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deep Breath…..my second favorite chapter….yep, this is it;) (I agree with Kyla here, love the last chapter, this chapter and the next ones)
> 
> Now, there's been some questions about certain situations that I need to clarify:
> 
> This was his third Overdose. (Sorry, I got that wrong in my last chapter, sorry to confuse you all!)
> 
> This chapter discusses his third trip to rehab.
> 
> At this point he and Bella haven't seen each other since New York which was almost three years ago.
> 
> There was some confusion about why he didn't just 'google' Bella. That's addressed in this chapter.
> 
> So, I hope some of those answers help. If not, then it's because it's too soon to address the answers for the questions asked;)
> 
> YES, we guarantee an HEA. No, we are not writing angst for the sake of angst. It's just a pivotal part of this love story.
> 
> * * * There are reasons for everything we write, some you may like, some you may not. We are writing the story that we've outlined/fraught over/detailed. Some of you probably won't like things that do/don't happen. We're sorry for that, but it's our story to tell….as the characters tell it to us. AND, remember it is fiction. * * *
> 
> NO, I am not a recovering addict. Although, both of my ex-husbands were addicts; one was a drug addict (crack/cocaine) and the other an alcoholic. So, I have spent many years dealing with addiction/rehab/therapy, etc. I myself was the child/grandchild of alcoholics and addiction runs rampant in my family, therefore, drugs are completely off limits to me. I know myself all too well. BUT, I thank you all dearly for the kind words you've shared about my ability to write it so thoroughly. Unfortunately, I've lived through it and with it for far too many years and know the harsh realities of addiction all too well.
> 
> Songs in this chapter are: Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schyler Fisk and I won't give up by Jason Mraz- we don't own them, we just love them and decided to use them to convey the feelings of this chapter!
> 
> TISSUE WARNING (since I failed last chapter)

EPOV

I had to stay in the hospital for a week after I woke up. You would think after the first and second times in rehab I would have learned, but I didn't.

The doctors warned me about the risks I would be taking if I ever used heroin again. As this was my third overdose in the past couple of years, it was taking a toll on my body.

It seemed I was at risk for a lot of things.

My parents were threatening to get power of attorney over me.

The record company was threatening to sue me for the remainder of my contract.

The band had decided to cut me loose.

At this point, my health had to take priority.

So for the third time, I checked in to rehab. This time, I went to the best of the best in Seattle so I could be closer to my parents.

I realize now I needed their ongoing support. I had to clean up my act and prove to them I was worthy of their love. They loved me and did all they could do to help me get my life back on track. It was all a big help, but I could never shake the feeling like something or someone was missing. The other half of my soul; I craved Bella worse than I had ever craved a drug.

While I still yearned for Bella, I came to realize all the dreams we shared together may never come true.

Even though I dreaded the thought of it, my dad was right. I had to let her go.

My parents and I had quite a few long discussions about how I'd been living my life and how I'd been waiting for that moment when Bella reappeared so I could start to live again. I couldn't do that anymore. As much as it killed me, I had to live for me, to make me healthy, happy and fulfilled. I alone could make me happy, and if Bella ever joined my life again, then I would be ready to make a life with her. If not, then at least I would be living and not the alternative.

As I maintained my sobriety, I spent a lot of time in a therapist's chair. He had me detail the course of our childhood and the early teenage years we spent in our little bubble. I told the psychiatrist about the first time I'd ever met Bella all the way through our torrid three day rendezvous in New York. I wrote in my journal, I wrote unsent letters and I sang to her in my room when I was alone at night.

I had asked my parents to find out where she was, but all they knew of the Swan family was that Charlie had moved to California after he retired and that Renee had died last year of cancer. No one really knew where Bella was anymore.

I had tried to Google her once I got out of rehab and had access to the internet, but after her last performance in New York a few years ago, there was nothing else on her.

She still came to me in my dreams, as well as my nightmares.

I just needed to see her with my own eyes to make sure she was okay, even if she was attached to someone else.

I had this sick need to find out if she still loved me in any form, if she ever thought about me or even cared how I was doing.

There was a small part of me that was totally panicked, because God forbid, what if she didn't love me anymore?

What if she didn't want me anymore or she was happy with someone else?

I'd have to figure out a way to let her go, permanently.

I wasn't looking forward to either of those scenarios, but I finally felt like I was in control of my life enough that I could manage to work through it without the use of drugs.

I started to write my own music again and played solo in a few small clubs and coffee bars. I didn't want fame or recognition. I just wanted to play my music.

I wanted to sing about my life with Bella. It was one way I could keep her with me as the lyrics were memories of our life together in a time long ago.

I often drifted off to sleep as I strummed my fingers over my guitar strings, only to dream of the last night we were together.

"Baby, I've missed you so much. Holding you in my arms is like the greatest feeling of comfort I have ever experienced." I said as I tightened my arms around her little body.

She snuggled deeper into my chest and kissed the swan tattoo on my left pec. "I love you, Edward. So much in fact, it feels like my heart will burst with the heaviness of it all." She said quietly as her naked tits began to gently rub against my bare skin as she rocked smoothly against me.

"Mmmhmm, you feel so good up against me. Princess, I need to be inside of you again. I need to feel us connected like that, always." I murmured against her neck as I started to nip and suck. I hoped to mark her and claim her as mine.

"Please, Knight ... please." She begged through bated breaths as I positioned myself at her entrance. I slowly glided into her wet heat as I groaned at the feel of her body as it surrounded me. I would never get tired of being inside of Bella.

"Deeper ..." she pled as I hitched her leg up over my thigh and felt the pull of her pussy as I sunk a little further into her body.

"Fuck." I moaned with a push and then a pull, as I set a steady but slow rhythm. I wanted us to make love, for us to connect, and join our bodies together, not just fuck each other. This with Bella was always more to me, never just a quick fuck to get my rocks off.

I opened my eyes to find her staring at me. Our eyes remained locked on one another as we rocked in sync and slipped into oblivion together.

Both of us struggled to breathe after the magnificent feeling of release as well as the intensity of the moment we'd just shared.

It was the memory of our last time together that plagued both my dreams and my nightmares for the past several years. Moments like those were meant to last a lifetime, and I prayed it wouldn't be the last time we'd ever get to share those feelings. I prayed that prayer with more sincerity than anything else I had ever asked for in my life. I knew God had no reason to grant me this request, but I begged for it anyway with the hope I had not used up my last bit of favor from him.

I couldn't go on that way. I had to live for me, here, now.

I had to figure out what my dreams were and start going after them … sober.

My final three month stint in rehab helped me learn it was okay for me to continue to love Bella, but at the same time move on with my life.

So, that's what I did.

I was now twenty-four years old and starting all over in the industry. I wanted to write music, play a little, but I no longer desired fame, a huge following or big checks at the end of the night. I was over the 'Rockstar' persona of Eddie Masen already. I needed a new name, one that would reflect my mature, less punk music I planned to play. A name that held no past mistakes or sins attached to it. I chose the only other name I could picture myself with … a name that belonged to someone almost as close to me as my own parents were. Carlisle and Esme's name … Cullen.

I just wanted to be Edward Cullen, musician. I wanted to play more of the music I wrote and loved. I wanted the songs to mean something when I sang them and not just because it was what the public wanted to hear or the record companies demanded of me.

I didn't want to be rushing around from place to place while on the road or living out of a tour bus under the authority of the band manager, the publicist or the record company. I wanted to live my life and actually remember it.

I wanted to remember why music was my passion again. So, I started small, writing a few songs here and there for up and coming new artists. Then my dad and I met a producer who was willing to take a chance on me.

One night after a set, I ran into Emmett McCarty. I knew who he was of course. I'd met him more than a few times at various studio functions. I'd also heard he now worked for a new, fresher label; it was less about being mainstream and more about being a great artist. The label concentrated less on doing things the same old way and more on working the industry a little differently through their artists.

I was reluctant to sit down with him at first. However, once he explained the type of artist he looked for and what expectations he'd had for my career, I knew I owed myself a chance to see it through.

He offered to give me creative control; which meant I got to choose what I wrote, played and sang. That's what I had asked for all along, begged for it in fact. With the band, I never felt like I got a chance to prove what I truly could do and who I was as an artist.

Emmett arranged for me to play at a very small venue; it was a newer club, and they needed the press as much as I did. He also set up a small promotional campaign to see what kind of public interest I would draw. I was a little leery of the publicity as I tried extremely hard to keep my name out of the media and off the tabloid covers. He reassured me it wouldn't be anything too over the top or outlandish.

And, for some reason, I trusted Emmett. He was genuine and personable, not to mention he had an amazing head for this business, but at the same time, he had this childish banter he carried on to make you relaxed and at ease with him. I knew he was married and his wife had been some kind of dancer who now worked as a choreographer for some of the videos his company produced for their artists. He seemed like a normal, all-American guy.

He had heard most of the new stuff I'd written and was eager to hear what the public perception of it was as well. So, I agreed to all he offered and decided we'd negotiate the details after the concert scheduled for that night.

It's funny, because when I woke up that morning, something felt different. It was almost like an electric static in the air that kept me on high alert. I touched base with my parents, but there was nothing going on with them out of the norm, so I knew that wasn't it.

I couldn't shake the feeling something big was about to happen. I put my nervous energy to good use and sat down and wrote Bella a letter a few hours before the show.

God, how I wished she were there.

I wondered if she'd be happy for me. Would she be proud of me for taking the steps to get sober, or for breaking away from the band, hell for the simple fact that now I could say I lived my life on my own terms?

I hoped since Renee's death she'd been able to experience the same kind of freedom. The choice to wear what she wanted, listen to the music she wanted, roam the world as she wanted. Those were all options that had been taken from her under her mother's reign in her life from the time she was a small child.

It made me happy to think of her on some wild vacation where she got to cut loose, to tear up a dance floor or simply enjoy a meal of her choosing at an outlandish restaurant.

As much as I wanted all of that for Bella, it made me sad I wouldn't be there to enjoy those moments with her.

As I prepped for the show and listened to the venue owner scream about some last minute opening act changes, I closed my eyes and lay back on the couch.

We sat in the huge bathtub of the hotel, the water full to the brim. Our bodies closely meshed together as we shared the peaceful silence that surrounded us.

"I love you, Edward. Please don't ever forget that I love you." She said softly as her hands covered mine as they both laid splayed open across her stomach.

"Never, Princess. I love you, too. I've loved you all my life, why would I stop now?" I replied as I laid a gentle kiss on the side of her neck.

"I'm scared." Her voice trembled as I wrapped my legs over hers and pulled her back harder against the planes of my chest.

"I've got you, Princess. I'm holding you within my grasp. Nothing can tear us apart, do you hear me?" I waited for her nod before I continued. "Nothing and no one. You belong to me, as I belong to you." I said with determination and authority.

I couldn't admit to her I was scared shitless, too. I knew if I lost her right now I would be back to my old lifestyle in a matter of minutes. Without her I was as lost as she was without me.

Later that night while she slept in bed, I wrote a song in my head.

'Been up all night

staring at you

wondering what's on your mind

I've been this way

with so many before

But this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise

To go back to bed

I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me

Kick off the covers

I'm waiting

Every word you say I think  
I should write down  
I don't want to forget

Come daylight

Happy to lay here

Just happy to be here

I'm happy to know you

Play me a song

Your newest one

Please leave your taste on my tongue

Paperweight on my back

Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me

Kick off the covers

I'm waiting

Every word you say I think

I should write down

I don't want to forget

Come daylight

And no need to worry

That's wastin time

And no need to wonder

What's the been on my mind

It's you

It's you

Every word you say I think

I should write down

Don't want to forget

Come daylight

And I give up

I let you win

You win 'cause I'm not counting

You made it back

To sleep again

Wonder what you're dreaming

As the sun started to peek through the blinds, I decided I wanted to do something special for Bella, that I should go get something for us to eat.

I kissed her forehead, slipped out of bed, got dressed and grabbed my wallet. I turned to look at her one last time before I quietly left the room.

That was the last time I saw Bella.

It had been so long that my memory played tricks on me whenever I passed a petite, long-haired brunette. I always had to stop and look, just to double check, to make certain it wasn't her.

A knock on the door brought me back to the present as Emmett's face popped in the door. "You ready?" He asked as he walked into the room and shut the door behind him.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I said with a small laugh as my hand rubbed my chest.

Emmett raised his eyebrow in response to my reaction. "Feeling okay?" He asked with concern.

I halted the motion across my aching heart, as I had now become more conscious of the movement.

"Yeah," I said with a sigh and grabbed a bottle of water off the table in front of me. "Just a long term ache only one person can soothe."

He broke out into a childish grin. "Ah, a chick."

I smiled at him. "A princess." I replied and grabbed a smoke.

"Sweet. I'm married to one of those, ya know." He said with a laugh and sat down beside me as he scooted an ashtray in front of me. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked quietly.

"I just miss her. She's been on my mind, constantly. I just wish she were here." I said with honesty, because I knew the relationship between us was built on trust. He was a consummate professional and would never divulge my personal information to the press or anyone else for that matter; unlike Peter, who sold me out to the highest bidder.

"So call her, man." He said and slapped me on the back.

I took a long drag off my cigarette and watched the smoke twirl around my head as my mind played with that same exact thought.

"I wish I could, but I have no idea where the hell she is." My heart ached at the thought of her alone somewhere in this world.

"Fuck, dude, that sucks." He stood and walked towards the door.

He paused for a moment at the door and then turned back to me. "It's a packed house out there, time to show me what you've got." Emmett's eyes twinkled as he waggled his eyebrows at me and opened the door.

"Five minutes 'til intro." Someone else spoke and when I turned back to face him, he was gone.

I put out my smoke, finished my bottle of water and grabbed the leather jacket off the back of the chair.

I had to put my stage face on as I looked in the mirror. As I gazed at myself, I wondered if Bella would even recognize me now. My hair was longer and needed to be cut, because I couldn't keep it out of my eyes. And while the eyeliner and spiked hair were no longer a part of my look, the piercings remained. I had metal in my eyebrow, my nose, my lips and my chin. I had it a few other places too, but you'd never know about them unless you saw me naked.

My clothes were simple nowadays, long gone were the skinny leather pants, studded belts and vests of my punk rock era. I had on a pair of torn jeans, my black steel toe boots, a t-shirt and my leather jacket.

I turned away from the mirror and prepared myself for the stage. The air seemed to buzz, and once again, I felt a strange electric current that flowed through me and raised my senses to high alert. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't feel bad.

I grabbed my guitar case and popped it open before I strapped on my favorite piece. I said a quick serenity prayer, grabbed an extra bottle of water and headed out into the hallway.

The whole time I was on stage, I had this feeling I was being watched. Not like normal attention from the crowd, because that feeling I knew. This was different; it was more intense, more kinetic.

I pictured Bella in my mind as I started my next song. It truly conveyed all that I wanted to show her through my words that I still felt. And how I would never, ever give up on the love I felt for her. I put my guitar down and sat behind the piano as the music filled the room the words came easy as her face appeared in my mind.

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)

God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)

God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

It almost settled my nerves and gave me peace, and as a last minute change, I decided to play a brand new song I had just written two days before. I leaned into the microphone and spoke a few simple words. "This is for Bella." It felt indescribable to get it out, to free it so the world could share that burden with me.

I was satisfied I had done the best I could, so I finished the last song and made my way off stage only to run into someone.

My heart stopped as I saw her ... it wasn't a dream. It definitely didn't feel like a dream as my arms melted around her into the tightest grip I'd ever placed on someone.

Bella.

My Bella was in my arms ... finally.


	22. 11B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics used for this chapter was Trying Not To Love You by Nickleback. I heard that quite a few months back and it just sent chills all over me, I knew it was perfect, I sat down and wrote the ending of this chapter with just those words in my head. That was unusual for me, normally I wait for Kyla to write and I use her chapter as my guideline, but this time I was done first!

Bella

Several weeks had gone by since I showed up at Carlisle and Esme's house. I had to say, they had been great to me. They had offered me to stay in their pool house so I could move out of the hotel, but I was afraid it was too soon. I wanted to take my time with Riley and getting to know him. He was too young for me to push it, no matter how much my heart wanted that. It was a balancing act, and if I lived that close to him, I would not be able to balance.

So each afternoon, I went over and hung out with him, doing whatever he wanted to do. The first few days were kind of awkward because I just wanted to cry and hold him tightly against me. Obviously, I couldn't do that. So again, that balance came into play. Esme was a great help. She was so good with him and knew exactly what he needed. I also realized, in my mind, Esme was his mother. I never felt the need to want to take him away from them. I merely wanted to get to know him. He was the tangible proof the love between Edward and I existed.

I thanked my lucky stars my mother had the good sense to contact them and ask if they wanted him. I often wondered if my mother chose someone so close yet so far away from us for a reason. I mean we were bound to run into each other sooner or later, perhaps I'd even put two and two together and realize what happened. I don't know if she meant it to be this way or not, but in my mind, I wanted to think she did. That in her death, or even while she was alive, she made it easy for me to find my child. I loved her for that.

It's funny, because as soon as I met Riley, I no longer thought of him as EJ. He became Riley immediately. I saw his personality, and it was a good mix of Carlisle and Esme's. He was so loving, but that was no shocker considering who raised him. Both of his parents were the epitome of caring and loving to all people. It was part of the reason they sheltered Edward the way they did.

Esme always had a soft spot in her heart for Edward. He looked like her, and it made a bond between them. It was also the reason they advised me to stay away from him for a little longer. He was in such a fragile spot right now. He had been in rehab three times now and was trying to get his life back in order. Carlisle was afraid if I approached him too soon it would cause him to spin out of control.

My heart ached more than it ever had as I listened to Esme's tales of all he had done, tried and how hard he worked to achieve his happiness. As hard as those tales were to hear, I was sure there were millions more no one knew about. No one knew what he did or went through when he was alone, scared, tired and hurt. I tried hard not to let my despair for Edward turn into hate for my mother, but I have to admit, most times it didn't work. I called and talked to Charlie. I told him all I had found out and emailed him pictures I took of Riley each day. He suspected things weren't exactly as my mother told us, but he had no proof. Besides, who wants to believe or accuse your wife of the things Renee did to us? No one. You want to believe the person you choose to spend your life with will protect you, love you, and above all else, be honest. I was glad I still had my dad because he could tell me about all of the good things she did. The times when she helped people and how she cared for kids. How she always wanted more kids, but her body just wasn't willing. She almost died in childbirth with me, so Charlie was fine with no more. He couldn't imagine losing her for the sake of another child, so he pushed her to not have more. All of her hopes, dreams and ambitions were poured into me. I meant the world to her, and while it doesn't excuse some of the choices she made, it does at least tell me she wasn't a cruel, evil, heartless bitch after all.

Those few weeks were some of the best of my life, except for the fact Edward was not with me. I had my talks with my dad, and I had Riley. I just longed to make it complete, to fill in the one large gap. I prayed it would be soon for us.

I reached for my phone as it lay on the bed ringing. I knew it was Rosalie calling. Her ringtone was unmistakable and had embarrassed me several times when I was in the presence of what I call the 'stuffed shirts'. She chose 'Bitch' by Meredith Brooks. She thought it was hilarious, and to be honest, for the most part, it described Rose. At least to those on the outside. Once she pulled you into her inner circle, you were in. She protected you, she defended you and loved you with a fierceness I have never seen. So many different times when I was hurt or sad, Rose was the person I went to and not my mom. I never worried when I was with Rosalie, I let my guard down completely and knew I was safe.

Her husband Emmett was her total opposite. He was loud, fun and very outgoing. He loved first and didn't care about the consequences if he was wronged. I wanted to be more like Emmett, to be free with myself and not even worry about the after effects of the hurts in my life. I asked him several times over the years we had known each other how he did it. He just said he had all he needed in his life with Rose, and if nothing else worked out, then he would still be good to go. I was blown away by how simple his explanation was. I expected a debate and lecture that would rival any philosophy professor at some Ivy league school. That was Emmett though.

"What's up chicka?"

"Well, not much here, but I wanted to check in and see how you were doing." Rose always cut right through the bullshit and went to the heart of the matter.

"I'm good, just anxious to finally be able to meet up with Edward again. It kills me to watch Riley each and every day and know Edward has no idea what a beautiful child we created together. I know it would go a long way to help him overcome his demons. Besides the fact we can actually be together now with my mom gone, and I can't get to him." I sighed in frustration.

"Bella, honey, you want Edward to be clean and sober and ready to be a man. Your relationship will fail if he is less than that, so while I know it's hard, you just have to be patient." Her soothing voice lulled me into a tranquil place with it all. Rose always had a way of making me see and understand both sides of things. I loved that about her.

"I know, I know." I ran a hand through my long hair and almost laughed. It was Edward's habit, but lately I had been doing it as well. I guess it made me feel close to him, who knows. "Well, enough about me. What do you and Mr. Big Wig have planned for this weekend? Jetting across the ocean to see some new act so he can sign them before anyone else discovers them?" I teased Rose, but Emmett had been responsible for signing two of the hottest new artists on the planet right now. All from a few stops in obscure clubs and out of the way dive bars. His talent amazed me when it came to the music business.

"Well as a matter of fact, we are going out tonight to see a new guy, Eddie Money or something like that. Em already knows him, but wants to strike up a deal with him now that he is out on his own. Come with me, please. You know how Em gets when he is talking business, and I feel so left alone." I heard her sigh and knew she had me. I hated for her to be sad, and she knew I hated it when she was sad, so she used it against me all the time.

"Besides, look at it like this, you'll be there, so the guys won't hit on me while Emmett is off doing his deal. Basically, you'll save Emmett from a trip to the police station for pounding some asshole who tried to come on to me. Please, Bella." I could almost see her bouncing up and down and her big blue eyes pleading with me. So much so, I had to close my eyes to try to find an excuse to tell her no. I wanted to but I really thought it would give me a chance to go out, have a good time and start this new phase in my life. I was a full grown adult and could count the times I had been out for the night on one hand. That had to be fixed.

"Okay, fine. I'll go, but you might have to loan me something to wear. You know I don't have much that would work for a club." Before I could even get the full sentence out, Rose was interrupting me.

"I got just the thing. Come on over, and we can get dressed here. Don't bring a thing, I got it all!" In her excitement, she hung up on me. I looked at the phone a few times to make sure I wasn't mistaken, and then I began to giggle. I was going out. Me, Bella Swan, eternal old lady, was going out tonight. I was going to get plastered and have Rose drive me home. I was going to enjoy myself like no other night. I could do that now ... I was free.

I grabbed my purse and strutted out the door to my room, onto the elevator and down through the lobby. I hailed the first cab and made my way to Rose's house to get dressed to go out. I giggled again as I thought it. I'm sure the cab driver thought I had lost my mind, but I didn't care, I was going out!

Rose sent me straight to the shower and then blew my hair dry. I put on the clothes she laid out for me, and I had to say ... I looked good. Rose accentuated all of my good spots and hid my flaws. I only had to suffer through one lecture about my weight. "Bella, I thought we decided you were going to put on about ten pounds?" Rose asked gently as she brushed out my long hair.

My eyes dropped down, and I tried to find an excuse she would buy. I knew she was on the other side of the line from my mom and Madamesoille. She thought I was too thin.

"Bella, I know the pressure. I was a dancer too, remember?" She tapped her right knee. She had the same injury Renee had and stopped dancing after that, now she just taught and did some free lance choreography. She wasn't short on clients since her husband was in the music business. He worked with the type of people that usually needed a choreographer. "You aren't in that anymore, no one will stop you. Freedom, remember? We did the whole scene from 'Braveheart' and talked about how this is your life and you choose from now on, but, sweetie, you are too thin, and it is unhealthy. Just a few pounds, Bella. I promise you will not look fat in any way, and you'll be surprised how much better it makes you feel. I swear it." Rose spoke to me through the mirror. I watched as her eyes held mine while she fiddled with my hair. I wanted to stop; I wanted to gain the few pounds Rose was talking about, but it had been a part of me for too long. I just couldn't do it. It had become the only thing I could control; I ran to the bathroom to throw up when I felt out of control. I couldn't stop myself. It was no longer about my weight, it was about so much more. "Listen, enough of that now, we want to go out and have some fun." She nodded her head at me while a genuine smile took over her face. "We'll work on this later. Right now, you look too hot to worry with it." I smiled back at her attempt to make me feel better and vowed somehow, some way I would beat this thing.

Rose, Emmett and I marched out the door and into the back of a limo. I felt like I was important and loved the feeling. I guess I always was one that craved the spotlight after all. Funny how, before, on stage I turned into that person, but off stage I only wanted to sink into the background and be ignored. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with that one simple statement from me. I didn't need a professional to tell me it had to do with my mom, I knew that already. Just another change that took place after her death

The club was packed, and there was a line around the corner to get in. We, of course, didn't have to wait at all. We went straight in and were directed to a cordoned off area that was labeled VIP's. My first drink came, and I sipped it slowly. We talked and half-way listened to the opening act as Rose commented on how bad he was. "Em, please tell me you're not here to see this guy, he's terrible." She flicked her hair over her shoulder, this was a clear sign she knew she was right and was prepared to battle in defense of her opinion.

"Nah, baby, the next guy is my man. This jerkoff was just a last minute call-in when the girl that was supposed to perform fell off stage and broke her ankle." I spewed my drink and began to laugh at the poor girl's misfortune. I knew I must have been at least buzzed because normally that would not have been something I laughed at. By the time I cleaned my face off, the dude on the stage was saying goodnight. Rose and I made our way to the bathrooms and stood in line down the narrow, creepy hallway. I silently wondered to myself why the hell no one ever made enough women's bathrooms. Surprisingly though, quickly enough, we made our way in, did our business and I cleaned off the front of my shirt and checked my face.

When we made our way back to the table, the crowd's applause had died down, and I could see a man sitting on a barstool with a guitar in his hands. The spotlight was on him, but his head was lowered, and he concentrated on his guitar. Pain shot through me, and it made me think of all the times I sat in Edward's room as he played for me. Just as my ass hit the seat, the mystery man lifted his head and said, "Good evening, I'm gonna play for you all, okay?" I fainted.

When I came to, Emmett and Rose were standing over me, and I was laid out on a black leather couch. While Edward played unaware on the stage. I pushed Em and Rose out of the way and made my way out of the room. I needed to get to him. I needed to see him.

I found the side of the stage and stood there. Edward was still on the stool. He wore a simple pair of jeans, a t-shirt and his black boots. His hair was longer and kept flopping in his eyes, but I loved how it looked when he threw his head back to belt out a particular part. I stood mesmerized and almost cried when he said, "This will be my last song. Thanks."

I didn't know if the tears were in sadness because he would no longer play or if it was in excitement because he had to walk past me to get backstage. I just didn't know.

I listened as he spoke one more time, "This one's for Bella." I gasped, but not loud enough to be heard over the crowd.

Edward sang.

**You call to me, and I fall at your feet.**

**How could anyone ask for more?**

**And our time apart, like knives in my heart.**

**How could anyone ask for more?**

**But if there's a pill to help me forget,**

**God knows I haven't found it yet.**

**But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.**

' **Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far;**

**Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart.**

**Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor.**

**And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for.**

' **Cause trying not to love you.**

**Only makes me love you more.**

**Only makes me love you more.**

Rose came to stand by my side. She knew who this was. She knew what we had and what he missed out on. In fact, she knew more than even Edward did at that point in time. She just held me as I stood and watched him pour his heart out to me without even knowing I was there to see it.

**And this kind of pain, only time takes away;**

**That's why it's harder to let you go.**

**And nothing I can do, without thinking of you;**

**That's why it's harder to let you go.**

**But if there's a pill to help me forget,**

**God knows I haven't found it yet.**

**But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.**

**Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far;**

**Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart.**

**Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor.**

**And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for.**

**Cause trying not to love you,**

**Only makes me love you more.**

**So I sit here divided, just talking to myself;**

**Was it something I did?**

**Was there somebody else?**

**When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears.**

**Sat right down beside me and whispered right in my ear,**

**Tonight I'm dying to tell you.**

**That trying not to love you, only went so far,**

**Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart.**

**Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for,**

**And if we just keep in trying, we could be so much more.**

**Cause trying not to love you,**

**Oh yeah, trying not to love you,**

**Only makes me love you more.**

**Only makes me love you more.**

As soon as his song was finished, he climbed down off the stool and made his way right towards me. I stood stiffly in Rose's arms. We could both feel the tension radiate from my body. She patted my arms soothingly as I waited for what felt like an eternity.

When he got close enough, I stepped into his path, and he bumped into me. His large, warm hand came up and touched my forearm as he said, "Sorry, miss, I didn't see you there. Excuse me." I begged for his eyes to move in my direction, to see me, to recognize me. Finally, I saw their movement and knew this was it.

"It's okay, Edward." As soon as he heard my voice, his eyes snapped to mine, and he wrapped his arms around me before I could process a single word much less a complete thought. His nose went into my neck, and I wrapped my arms around him as far as they would go. We just stood there in the middle of the hallway, people having to turn sideways to get around us, but we just didn't give a fuck because we were together ... finally.


	23. 12A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deep Breathe...Tissues handy...Quiet, Uninterrupted time...
> 
> Yep, ya'll will need ALL of that while delving into this chapter!
> 
> Seriously, this is one of my new favorite chapters. You'll see why:)

Edward

She was here.

It's the air that I've been feeling all night.

Bella.

My Princess.

After all this time, after all these years, she's really standing here in my arms staring at me just like I'm staring at her.

"Edward, you've got a crowd of people waiting to meet you and some minor press interviews to finish." Emmett's voice pulled me out of the haze of wonderment I was in.

"What? What? Oh, Emmett. This is her. This is my Bella." I said as the confusion on his face turned into sheer shock.

"TinyBell is your 'one'?" Emmett asked as his wife stepped into the picture now.

"Bella?" Rosalie called, as my Princess finally drew her eyes away from me and towards her name being called.

"This is my Knight." Bella's voice sounded like heaven when she spoke.

"This really is awesome. But Edward, man, you've got commitments we have to tend to right now. I assure you TinyBell isn't going anywhere." Emmett tried to ease my anxiety I know only he saw.

"Can she just come with me? I really can't leave her now that she's here." I said as I looked at Bella to see her nodding her head.

"I can come with you." She wove her fingers through mine and turned towards Emmett.

He laughed, "Fine, come on, let's get this over with."

The whole time I spoke to anyone or took pictures, Bella was either attached to my hand or never more than a few feet away. And she was never from my line of sight. It was all subtle so as to not turn any of the fans off by my overly clingy girlfriend, but at the same time, it still soothed my nerves.

I still couldn't believe it.

An hour and a half later, we were finally done.

"Let's go eat, and ya'll can catch up." Emmett said as I looked to Bella.

"Um, would you be terribly upset if we declined, Emmett?" Bella spoke, and looked to me for confirmation it was okay.

"No, I guess you two don't really need us around while you catch up anyway." He smiled at me and gave me a man-hug while Rosalie hugged Bella.

"Call me tomorrow, maybe we can meet for a late lunch?" Rosalie asked, and we both nodded.

Once they were gone, Bella and I stood and stared at one another.

Then we both started to speak at once, which caused us both to laugh.

"You first," I relented, and she smiled.

"Are you hungry? My apartment isn't far from here, I could cook us a quick bite to eat so we can talk. I mean, that is, if you want too," she said quietly, becoming shy.

This was a new Bella.

My Princess had changed.

Grown up.

She looked different.

Older.

But yet, still the same.

"I'd love that, Bella." I spoke softly and leaned in to place a kiss to her lips.

She leaned into me, and as our lips gently touched, it was like all the electricity in the world surged through that simple connection between us.

We both pulled back after a few seconds, but our eyes never left the other's.

"Let me just get my stuff, and then we can go, alright?" I asked, unsure, uncertain and terrified. I know the Bella in my past wanted me, without a doubt, but this older, more mature Bella, she was a mystery, a wild card, an unknown. I didn't know how to act, think or be with her. I didn't want to screw anything up. I just wanted everything to be perfect for us, for once.

"Sounds good to me," she said and blushed as she pushed a piece of her hair back and tucked it securely behind her ear. The only good thing about this whole scenario was that Bella seemed as off kilter as I was, she also seemed as scared as well. I took that as a good sign. I prayed it was a good sign.

We walked hand in hand back to my little dressing room where I gathered up my clothes, my guitar case and a few personal items I had brought with me.

"I'm all set." I announced, then turned off the lights before closing the door behind us. I quickly placed Bella's hand back in mine.

I don't think I could ever live without this connection to her again.

It felt like my entire world was back on its axis.

It felt right.

"How far is your place? Should we get a cab?" I asked as we exited the club onto the now chilly streets of Seattle.

"Oh, no, I'm just two blocks over." She said and leaned in close to me.

Her scent hit my nose, and I stifled the urge to moan.

It sent a thousand and one memories swirling in my head; all the nights I laid beside her in her old bed as we talked and plotted; all the innocent kisses we stole under the covers as we touched softly for the first time; the countless times I smelt her while I fucked her senseless in our New York hotel room.

"You look really good, Edward." Bella's voice brought me out of my stupor.

I sighed and let out a little chuckle, "Thank you, Princess. Words cannot even begin to describe how amazing you look."

She cut her eyes to mine before I could see the telltale blush reappear on her cheeks.

We made small talk as we walked to her place. We reached the door to the building, and I was so thankful to see that she had security. I wanted the best for Bella, so it thrilled me to know she was at least safe.

Once we got onto the elevator, we couldn't stop staring at one another.

"I still can't believe you're here," I whispered as I brought my free hand up to caress her cheek.

"It's like a dream come true," she whispered in return.

We both smiled and leaned our foreheads together for a second before the elevator chimed our arrival on the eighth floor where she lived.

She scrambled for her keys in the bottom of her purse she had crossed over her shoulder.

"Found them." She declared and waved them in front of me as I laughed at her mini-struggle in that bottomless pit she carried.

Bella opened the door and flipped on a light switch. I stepped in behind her and took in the room. It was like nothing I would have ever imagined her home to look like. It was haphazardly eclectic; different furniture, new mixed with old.

Her pictures blew me away.

There were pictures of us all over her living room walls, tables and bookshelves.

It almost took my breath away as my mind flooded with all the memories from each and every frame that caught my eye. I remembered them all with perfect clarity.

She released my hand and wound her arm around my waist. Her action seemed scared and unsure. I realized how my perusal of her space must have looked to her. Her eyes clearly told me she was worried I didn't like it.

How could I not?

"It's like our lives on display." I managed to whisper as she leaned into my side.

"They're the most precious memories of our life together." She responded in a whisper of her own.

I dropped my bag and guitar case and turned to face her. It took all of about one point five seconds for our lips to collide and our arms to tighten around the other.

That kiss held all the hope, passion and life we shared so long ago. The exact things we both seemed to yearn for again.

We had to break away for air, and yet we continued to cling to each other.

"Bella, Princess." I murmured as I smothered her face in tiny kisses.

I couldn't feel enough of her.

I needed her.

I wanted her.

She was the very life I breathed.

She was my everything.

I couldn't afford to lose her again.

"Knight … I've missed you so much." She said as tears plagued her cheeks, and I couldn't stop my own from falling.

"I'm here, Princess. I'm finally here. I'm never leaving you again." I declared through my cries.

Our eyes met, and we both worked to swipe away each other's tears before we both began to laugh lightly.

"Let's move to the couch and get reacquainted." Bella finally suggested. The action was hard to do because neither of us was willing to let go of the other.

I sat on the couch and pulled her into my lap as her arms wound around my neck, and we rested our foreheads together.

"You really are here?" She asked again as I nodded.

"Where have you been, Bella?" I finally had the gumption to ask.

She smiled at me before she pulled back so we could still keep eye contact, but remain comfortable enough to talk.

"Here and there," she replied with such sadness. "But, I've always wished I was where you were." She spoke softly with that last confession.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "I've wished for that every single day since I last saw you in New York." I admitted.

"What happened to you?" She asked, curiously.

"When exactly?" I gave a light laugh and closed my eyes for a moment to gather myself before I admitted to all of the things I had done while we were apart.

"Are you hungry?" She asked with a pat to my chest to force me to open my eyes again.

I smiled, "A little."

"Let's start some food, and we can talk while I cook." She said and started to stand up before I pulled her back to me one more time.

It felt cold without her against me.

I hated it and never wanted to feel that way again.

"One more kiss, please?" I asked as she smiled and leaned into me with her lips hard against mine.

We kissed until we were breathless once again before coming up for air.

"We need to eat." She giggled and stood up, pulling me with her.

Her kitchen was quaint and full of every appliance known to man. I looked around and quirked an eyebrow at her.

"I've found a new hobby." She said with a shrug of her shoulders before she began to pull food from her refrigerator.

"So, tell me your story … then I'll tell you mine." She offered while she began to prepare a meal for us.

I told her about how I landed in rehab the first time and coming back to the hotel and finding her gone. By then the food was ready, and we ate as I told her about buying her house and my second trip to rehab. She cried several times as she questioned my drug use and overdose recall, or as best as I could recall each time.

I told her about my last OD and stint in rehab before she said, "So you're clean and sober now?"

Her eyes welled with tears again as I nodded and moved us back to the couch. This time, however, she sat on one end of the couch while I sat in the middle facing her, our fingers entwined on the back of the sofa.

"I've been sober for almost three years. My sobriety date is in three weeks." I sighed and looked away from her as my eyes landed on a picture of a small boy holding a bundle of balloons. He was precious, and I was curious as to who he was. He looked familiar, but I knew I'd never seen him before.

"I'm proud of you, Edward. You survived. It would have killed me if you'd died, too." She stared at me as I pulled mine back to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry you lost your mother." I admitted, unable to say Renee's name or express my condolences for her death. I felt sorry that her death caused Bella pain; that's what I was sorry for ... only Bella's pain. I didn't know that I could ever feel sorry for any pain Renee suffered. In my eyes, it would never be enough for what she put us through.

"Thank you." She said quietly as she swiped at her cheek, but turned her head to look away.

I gave her the moment she needed, but I noticed her eyes went to the picture of the small boy. It made me all the more curious as to whom he was.

"Renee's death was a blessing and a curse." Bella said and turned to face me once again.

She began to tell me about her life after the night of graduation. She told me about her accident. Her long, hard recovery and how Renee was more spiteful than ever.

I got a strong feeling there was a lot of the story she left out. I didn't want that; I wanted her to trust me, be honest with me, but I didn't want to question her. So, for now, I let it be.

"Her death changed my life, but not really in the ways you would think. I mean, yes, I finally had my freedom, but it changed a lot of the hurt and resentment I'd held against her for so long." Bella said and looked down into her lap.

"How, Bella?" I asked with a gentle nudge to her chin, forcing her eyes to meet mine. I had seen this position too many times to count with Renee. I wanted Bella to see her mother was gone now, and she would never have to cower down to anyone ever again.

"I found something … someone I thought I'd lost forever." Her words rattled in my head.

Someone.

Someone … that wasn't me.

Someone … that meant something to her.

Someone … she thought she'd lost and now she'd found.

But, it wasn't me.

I felt my hand move to my chest and begin to rub in a circle over my heart.

I could feel my heart begin to break … not a small crack, but a big fucking Grand Canyon-sized break. All along, I imagined Bella was still single, still waiting for me. Now to hear it voiced this was not the case, it was too much. I felt my breathing pick up, and I knew I had to calm down or I'd have a full blown panic attack.

I turned away from her and stood up.

I walked over to a bookshelf and stared at a picture of us from when we were around eight or nine years old. We were in my backyard eating a popsicle. My dad had put out a swimming pool for us to play in because it had been unseasonably hot and dry for a few weeks. We were both missing front teeth; our hair was all crazy from drying in the sun after playing in the water. There was grape juice on my chin and cherry juice on hers.

It had been a fantastic summer day.

Renee and Charlie had gone out of town for the day, so Bella had been free to spend the whole day with me and my mom. We had acted like the normal little kids that my mom allowed us to be on rare days like that one.

It was an amazing moment captured in that tiny faded picture.

"Edward?" I heard Bella's voice call my name, but I was terrified to turn and face her.

Fear gripped my very soul as I forced myself to turn around.

"Are you okay?" That sweet voice I'd longed to hear for ages rang through the still quiet of her apartment as I forced myself to nod at her before I let my eyes meet hers.

"So, you found something … someone, again?" I swallowed a dry gulp as I repeated her statement as a question.

She nodded and once again looked to the picture of the little boy.

"I did," she answered, finally.

Her eyes met mine.

"His name is Riley," she said as I felt the bile rise into my throat.

I think I nodded.

I think I ran a hand through my hair.

I know I quickly walked towards my bag and guitar case.

I picked them up and spoke over my shoulder.

"I'll always love you, Bella. But if you have him, then you don't need me." I walked towards the door before her voice called out to me.

"Edward?" I stopped with my hand on the doorknob.

I couldn't turn around.

I didn't know if I had the strength to even open the door and walk away.

"He's our son." She said through a sob, and I froze.

What did she just say?

Our son?

We had a son?

I had a child?

Bella had a baby?

I turned around and saw her shatter before me.

"Our son?"

She simply nodded.

"We have a son?" I questioned as she stood and picked up the picture I'd been staring at all night.

"This is Riley." She said and held it out for me.

"My son." I said and felt my whole body tremble with fear.

And then the rage consumed me.

"Why did you never tell me? Where is he? When did this happen?" I screamed as she stood there and tears flowed down her cheeks. Her immediate answer came in the form of her head that shook back and forth. I paced around and then stopped.

I had to remember where I'd been, how I lived my life … and how far apart Bella and I had been for years.

"When?" I asked quietly. My knees felt like they were about to give out so I sat on the edge of the couch.

"I found out after graduation." Her voice quivered as she spoke and sat down beside me.

I turned to look at her … she suddenly looked older, worn out, and just plain fucking scared.

I reached a hand out to cradle her cheek, "Why didn't you tell me? I would have wanted to be there for you, for our son. I just," I sighed and tried to wipe her tears from her face. "I never expected this. I never expected our lives to go the way they have and now, after all this time ..." I stopped speaking as her eyes bore into me with terror and regret.

I didn't know what happened or how, but I owed it to her to let her explain.

"Tell me, Bella. I'm strong enough now. I'm sober. I'm here. Just tell me." My eyes held hers as I saw her soul open up.

I knew this would once again, forever change our lives, but for once, I wasn't leaving her side. I had missed her with a desperate ache for far too long.

No matter what, I was here to stay, never to leave her again.

I whispered against her lips as I leaned in to kiss her, "Just tell me, Princess. I'll always love you."

I sat back against the sofa and pulled her into my lap.

She told me about finding out she was pregnant. She recalled how Renee had done everything in her power to get her to abort the baby or give it up for adoption. My hatred and rage towards Renee inflamed my senses. I knew I had to keep it under control for Bella's sake, but I knew my anger would never subside even though she was dead.

Then she told me about the accident; how she was told the baby died and she had to go through all of it alone; how she had to be medicated to function, to help with the depression and grief of losing our son.

I felt like my heart was about to explode from the pain she had to endure without me. I wasn't there to help her, hold her… or to even rescue her from Renee.

"Bella, why did I never know? Why didn't you just call me? I would have come to you. You know I will ALWAYS come to you, right?" I held her face in my hands and forced her eyes up to meet mine.

"I didn't know where you were. Renee kept showing me all these magazine articles and pictures of you drunk or high surrounded by all those other girls. I didn't think you still wanted me." Her voice was soft and broken as she kept her teary eyes closed.

"Bella, look at me." I demanded as she did what I asked.

"I have always loved you and no one but you. Those pictures were staged or fakes and those magazines were being fed lies and rumors. I haven't been with anyone but you ... ever. Drugs and alcohol filled the gaps in my life you left."

I pulled her tighter against me and kissed all over her face; her eyes, her chin, her nose, her cheeks.

"I would have been there. I would have stopped Renee from hurting you or lying to you. I would have kept you safe." My words were whispered in her ear as she buried her face into the side of my neck and sobbed. Her arms tightened around me, and her hands gripped the back of my shirt as if I could disappear at any moment.

"I'm here, baby … I'm not going to leave you ever again." I tried to reassure her as she pulled back and looked at me.

"Renee gave our son up for adoption." Her words were soft spoken, and her eyes wide with fear, again.

"How did you find him? Is he safe?" I asked in the same calm, quiet tone.

She nodded her head, "I think you'll love his parents. He's been very well cared for."

I shook my head and drew in a deep breath.

"We'll get him back. He's our son, he belongs with us." There was no way a child produced from our love wouldn't be living with us, his mom and dad.

I don't know if I could stay away now that I knew we had a child.

A child.

I'm a dad.

My Princess had my baby.

She gasped and started to cry again.

My Princess was fragile.

She'd been alone for so long.

I knew now it would take a lot to rescue her this time.

I only hoped I hadn't been to late this time.

"We can't get him back. He's their's now." She mumbled into my neck.

"Who? Who has him?" I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.

She shook her head, and I attempted to pull her off me.

"Who, Bella? Tell me who has our child." I forcefully demanded and shook her a little because she wouldn't look up at me.

Finally, after what felt like hours, she looked at me and dried her eyes, took a deep breath and cupped my cheek.

"Your aunt and uncle, Carlisle and Esme. Riley is their son." She whispered, and I suddenly felt like all the breath in my lungs was sucked right out of me.

For the first time in three years ... I was dying to get high.


	24. 12B

Bella

 

I sat in Edward's lap and watched as he exploded. He was furious and I understood, but at the same time, I didn't. I was incredibly angry with Renee for giving Riley to Carlisle and Esme but if she hadn't then how would I have found him. If she had contacted a lawyer and had the baby given away to a random couple, who's to say that we would have been able to make contact again? As much as I wanted to hate her, I had to be eternally grateful. It was like she knew one day she would be gone from here and wanted to make things right after she did leave me.

Before I realized what was happening Edward pulled me up off of the couch and reached for our discarded coats. I didn't have to ask where we were heading, I already knew. Carlisle and Esme's. I began to sob.

When we were firmly ensconced in a cab and Edward had barked out the address to the driver, he pulled me closer and began to soothe me. I had no idea what he thought the tears represented but he spoke phrases like, 'it's going to be okay, I will make it okay for us,' and 'we'll get him back'. Edward held me close the entire ride to their house.

I won't lie, I was afraid. Afraid that Edward would lose his cool and do something wrong, afraid that we would scare Carlisle and Esme away and they wouldn't let us see Riley ever again. I was just afraid for all sorts of reasons.

My head hurt, my throat was dry, my eyes felt like sandpaper, my heart raced, my pulse pounded and I searched frantically for something, anything to get me out of here. I reached for Edward's shirt and clenched it in my hand. I felt my nails still bite through the fabric and pierce the skin of my palms. I focused on the pain.

Edward's strong arms stayed wrapped around me but I felt his body shake with tears of his own. I wanted to be strong enough to comfort him but I just couldn't. I felt guilty. I was the one that had years to deal with Riley's loss. And even a few months to deal with the fact that he was alive and well now. I should be the one that was strong. The one that set up the meeting, asked all the questions, got all the answers…but I fucking couldn't.

I couldn't because it was too hard to focus on my own breathing, to rationalize that we were all going to be in the same room at once. For the first time ever. I wasn't sure if time was racing by or slowing down but all I felt was the pit of my stomach swarming with uneasiness. My mind flashed through memories of Edward and I at various times from the past then fast forwarded to Renee pulling me from the pool house or the hotel room after I'd spent the night with Edward.

I was extremely fearful. If something happened to ruin our relationship with the Cullen's or if Edward decided to leave me, I had nothing. I'd have no one. The fear of now being alone with no Riley, no Edward … it took my breathe away.

Dark spots swam before my eyes and my chest ached with the speed in which I breathed. I tried to remember the breathing techniques the doctor's had taught me. I knew what needed to be done but it just seemed so damned stupid right now. I needed something real, something strong, in fact an Ativan would work right now to be honest. Something to calm me down. Anything to make it all go away.

I felt the bile rise up in my throat and longed to jump from the cab and let it all go. I knew that the feeling of emptying my stomach would make me feel in control, it would set it all right for a little while. But I knew this was bigger than a simple finger in the throat could handle. This was huge.

Edward threw some money to the driver and pulled me along with him as we exited the cab. Part of me focused on the fact that Edward did not know their address and another part of my brain was yelling how absurd it was that I focused on the address issues. He was a doctor so I guess it might be easy to just Google him. Who the hell knows, all I knew right this moment was we stood, pounding on the front door at almost six in the morning

A light flickers on and almost immediately Carlisle answers the door. He stands in his matching pajamas, with his slippers on and a newspaper in his hand. He looked like Ward Cleaver from the 50's. I almost laughed out loud at his perfectness even at this time of the night. How could we compete with that? How could we raise a child looking like we did when he already had parents that looked like they did? Esme made her way down the stairs, she matched Carlisle in her perfection. She wore a pair of emerald green silk pajamas, a matching pair if feathered mules and a cream bathrobe. Her face was clean of make-up and her hair was brushed smooth.

These were normal, everyday people. People that both of us had always loved and adored, but now they stood between us and piece of our very souls.

Our son.

He was now their son.

I was torn. I wanted our life, our baby with Edward. I knew he was right to want that as well. And yet…I didn't. I knew that Carlisle and Esme deserved to keep him and raise him as he is used to.

Before I could process another thought, Edward reached forward and grabbed Carlisle by the collar of his perfect pajamas. "Why the fuck would either of you do that to us? You knew, you had to know! Yet you kept him, you took him away from us. You are as guilty as fucking Renee was I hope you're happy with yourselves." He shook Carlisle with each word to punctuate them.

Esme gasped and moved towards the altercation but Carlisle's hand is held beside his left thigh and he stops her. She stops dead in her tracks. Carlisle gave a small curt shake of his head. He gave no sign that he would fight Edward but it was plain that he did not want Esme anywhere close to him right now.

"Answer me God damn it! Why…why…I just need to know why you would do this to her." He let go of Carlisle and gestured to me. "Why would you put her through years of pain, first to think that our baby was dead, he was just gone and then to find out he was alive and fine. That all these years you had him and could have ended our torture. Why?" Edward screamed. Esme flinched and stepped forward again but Carlisle's hand once again stopped her.

"Those years of pain and suffering all lay in your hands, can you live with that? Is that okay with you? I can't believe this from you both." Edward turned to look at Esme over his shoulder. I could feel her body stiffen from several feet away from her. I noticed that she cried quiet rivers of tears as Edward spoke. "She lived through therapy, through years of medication…all just to get through the pain of this one event. The one thing you all could have taken away from her. You could have made it better for her but you just…didn't. I need answers, NOW!" Edward slammed Carlisle against the wall in his anger. Esme and I both clinched again.

This must have been the final straw for Carlisle because he reached up and pushed Edward's hands off of his shirt and pushed him a few steps away so that he could speak. "Why, you want to know why?" He shrugged and straightened his pajama shirt back into his unmessed with perfection. "You say the blame lays on us? Well, how about this. We did what we thought was best at the time. We took a child that was offered to us." He held out his hand and Esme was immediately by his side. I was struck by their strength together. "Was that selfish? Fuck yes it was, pretty damned selfish, but you tell me this is Bella wanted a child with all that she had, really wanted one and it was impossible for her to conceive one, would you move heaven and earth to get her one?" Edward flinched because Carlisle struck a nerve, I could see it. He pulled out the on excuse that Edward could not argue with. "Well, I did the same for the love of my life. I took advantage of an opportunity. Did we question where this baby came from? Nope, we sure as hell didn't. We didn't have to, we knew." I gasped and Carlisle met my eyes with his own cold blue eyes. He held my gaze as he spoke the next few sentences. "We both knew but at the time it seemed like the best option for this sweet boy. Edward, you were so fucked up each and every day that you didn't know you own name most times. Bella, you were off in Europe dancing. Renee convinced us that you hated Edward and didn't want him or anything else to do with him. It wasn't hard to buy when the tabloids presented him in less than a desirable light." I stepped forward and touched the small of Edward's back. I needed his strength to hear this. I needed to provide him mine if I could. "So we took our family member, this innocent child and we loved him. We raised him and we did a damned fine job." He looked at Esme and she gave an almost imperceptible nod to him. His eyes flashed from Edward's to mine and back to Edward's again. "You two weren't in the shape to do it, neither of you. I know it hurts to hear that, it hurts me to say it but it's the truth. We agonized over this, believe me we have but we saw no other choice. If we said no then the lawyer already had another couple lined up. We were afraid to turn him down, we wanted to do the right thing but we were afraid to let him go to strangers. People we didn't know, people who might not love him and care for him the way we did. So, yeah, we did it. We kept him." Carlisle hugged Esme and wiped a few tears away from her face.

Edward's cold as steel voice asked the one question I had been way too afraid to ask but wanted to know all along. "Were you ever planning to tell us? Ever?"

"Yes, I know you'll find that hard to believe but we did. But only on one condition…each of you were in a healthy spot in your lives. We kept in touch with both of you through other channels. We knew what happened, we knew about Bella's almost break down, we knew about your drug use and rehab. Each and every time, Edward, we prayed it was the last time. We prayed that it would work this time so that we could tell you, give you something healthy and productive to live for. But it was never the right time because above all else we refused to put Riley into a dangerous or harmful situation."

"Everything we did was for him and with you in mind, we swear it. Edward, I've loved you like you were my own child, you know this, I would never intentionally harm you, ever. We really thought we were doing the right thing," Esme pleaded.

Edward snapped. He threw my arm off of him and launched himself towards Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle realized his intentions and pushed him back at the same time he attacked. Edward slammed into the large table in the foyer and knocked off the vase of flowers there. The table crashed down and Edward spilled all across the hardwood floor. Carlisle jumped and moved towards him at the exact time he hit the floor. Esme gasped and moved behind Carlisle. Edward floundered around trying his best to get up, nothing seemed to work exactly right. He had a large cut over his right eye and his hand bleed some. It must have been the glass from the vase that inficted those wounds on him. I didn't matter, he was hurt, Carlisle and Esme were crying, screaming and I worried that it would wake up Riley at any moment.

I began to shout and scream along with them. I felt guilty for it all, if I had stood up to Renee just once, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we would have spent our lives together and not fractured as broken people who craved each other more than air.

My chest heaved.

My hands gripped into each other, the sore skin of my palms broken open again.

My muscles hurt they are clenched so tightly.

The black spots are back as I scream and cry.

I let it all out, I let out all the pain.

The denials from Renee.

The defeat when I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried.

The weight and snickers I heard each day when I showed up for practice.

The looks of disappointment.

The longing for Edward.

The fear he was gone.

The anguish when I thought he was with someone else, someone normal.

The ache of empty arms after Riley was gone.

The flat, uneventful life I lived.

I screamed for it all.

I screamed until my throat was sore and I saw spots.

My heart raced and my eyes went dark.

I felt my muscles give way and I knew I was on my way down. I was passing out.

Esme screamed and Edward caught me, I opened my eyes and saw his beautiful crooked grin once more before I succumbed to the darkness.

I left the pain and grief behind like I had for all those years. I locked it away and never dealt with it. I moved on like it hadn't happened and I did that once again, even if it was only a temporary solution.

I just gave in!

I floated in a sea of white. I felt weightless, happy, content.

I looked around me and saw Edward and Riley, dressed in white suits, both had blinding smiles on their faces.

I never wanted to leave this space.

I never wanted to feel that heaviness again.

I wanted our perfect lives back; the ones that we had created inside the bubble of young love.

No drugs.

No disappointment.

No separation.

Bliss … I wanted to be on pointe with Edward at the piano as Riley clapped and cheered us both on.

That's where I wanted to be.

The only place I wanted to be.


	25. 12B

Bella

 

I sat in Edward's lap and watched as he exploded. He was furious and I understood, but at the same time, I didn't. I was incredibly angry with Renee for giving Riley to Carlisle and Esme but if she hadn't then how would I have found him. If she had contacted a lawyer and had the baby given away to a random couple, who's to say that we would have been able to make contact again? As much as I wanted to hate her, I had to be eternally grateful. It was like she knew one day she would be gone from here and wanted to make things right after she did leave me.

Before I realized what was happening Edward pulled me up off of the couch and reached for our discarded coats. I didn't have to ask where we were heading, I already knew. Carlisle and Esme's. I began to sob.

When we were firmly ensconced in a cab and Edward had barked out the address to the driver, he pulled me closer and began to soothe me. I had no idea what he thought the tears represented but he spoke phrases like, 'it's going to be okay, I will make it okay for us,' and 'we'll get him back'. Edward held me close the entire ride to their house.

I won't lie, I was afraid. Afraid that Edward would lose his cool and do something wrong, afraid that we would scare Carlisle and Esme away and they wouldn't let us see Riley ever again. I was just afraid for all sorts of reasons.

My head hurt, my throat was dry, my eyes felt like sandpaper, my heart raced, my pulse pounded and I searched frantically for something, anything to get me out of here. I reached for Edward's shirt and clenched it in my hand. I felt my nails still bite through the fabric and pierce the skin of my palms. I focused on the pain.

Edward's strong arms stayed wrapped around me but I felt his body shake with tears of his own. I wanted to be strong enough to comfort him but I just couldn't. I felt guilty. I was the one that had years to deal with Riley's loss. And even a few months to deal with the fact that he was alive and well now. I should be the one that was strong. The one that set up the meeting, asked all the questions, got all the answers…but I fucking couldn't.

I couldn't because it was too hard to focus on my own breathing, to rationalize that we were all going to be in the same room at once. For the first time ever. I wasn't sure if time was racing by or slowing down but all I felt was the pit of my stomach swarming with uneasiness. My mind flashed through memories of Edward and I at various times from the past then fast forwarded to Renee pulling me from the pool house or the hotel room after I'd spent the night with Edward.

I was extremely fearful. If something happened to ruin our relationship with the Cullen's or if Edward decided to leave me, I had nothing. I'd have no one. The fear of now being alone with no Riley, no Edward … it took my breathe away.

Dark spots swam before my eyes and my chest ached with the speed in which I breathed. I tried to remember the breathing techniques the doctor's had taught me. I knew what needed to be done but it just seemed so damned stupid right now. I needed something real, something strong, in fact an Ativan would work right now to be honest. Something to calm me down. Anything to make it all go away.

I felt the bile rise up in my throat and longed to jump from the cab and let it all go. I knew that the feeling of emptying my stomach would make me feel in control, it would set it all right for a little while. But I knew this was bigger than a simple finger in the throat could handle. This was huge.

Edward threw some money to the driver and pulled me along with him as we exited the cab. Part of me focused on the fact that Edward did not know their address and another part of my brain was yelling how absurd it was that I focused on the address issues. He was a doctor so I guess it might be easy to just Google him. Who the hell knows, all I knew right this moment was we stood, pounding on the front door at almost six in the morning

A light flickers on and almost immediately Carlisle answers the door. He stands in his matching pajamas, with his slippers on and a newspaper in his hand. He looked like Ward Cleaver from the 50's. I almost laughed out loud at his perfectness even at this time of the night. How could we compete with that? How could we raise a child looking like we did when he already had parents that looked like they did? Esme made her way down the stairs, she matched Carlisle in her perfection. She wore a pair of emerald green silk pajamas, a matching pair if feathered mules and a cream bathrobe. Her face was clean of make-up and her hair was brushed smooth.

These were normal, everyday people. People that both of us had always loved and adored, but now they stood between us and piece of our very souls.

Our son.

He was now their son.

I was torn. I wanted our life, our baby with Edward. I knew he was right to want that as well. And yet…I didn't. I knew that Carlisle and Esme deserved to keep him and raise him as he is used to.

Before I could process another thought, Edward reached forward and grabbed Carlisle by the collar of his perfect pajamas. "Why the fuck would either of you do that to us? You knew, you had to know! Yet you kept him, you took him away from us. You are as guilty as fucking Renee was I hope you're happy with yourselves." He shook Carlisle with each word to punctuate them.

Esme gasped and moved towards the altercation but Carlisle's hand is held beside his left thigh and he stops her. She stops dead in her tracks. Carlisle gave a small curt shake of his head. He gave no sign that he would fight Edward but it was plain that he did not want Esme anywhere close to him right now.

"Answer me God damn it! Why…why…I just need to know why you would do this to her." He let go of Carlisle and gestured to me. "Why would you put her through years of pain, first to think that our baby was dead, he was just gone and then to find out he was alive and fine. That all these years you had him and could have ended our torture. Why?" Edward screamed. Esme flinched and stepped forward again but Carlisle's hand once again stopped her.

"Those years of pain and suffering all lay in your hands, can you live with that? Is that okay with you? I can't believe this from you both." Edward turned to look at Esme over his shoulder. I could feel her body stiffen from several feet away from her. I noticed that she cried quiet rivers of tears as Edward spoke. "She lived through therapy, through years of medication…all just to get through the pain of this one event. The one thing you all could have taken away from her. You could have made it better for her but you just…didn't. I need answers, NOW!" Edward slammed Carlisle against the wall in his anger. Esme and I both clinched again.

This must have been the final straw for Carlisle because he reached up and pushed Edward's hands off of his shirt and pushed him a few steps away so that he could speak. "Why, you want to know why?" He shrugged and straightened his pajama shirt back into his unmessed with perfection. "You say the blame lays on us? Well, how about this. We did what we thought was best at the time. We took a child that was offered to us." He held out his hand and Esme was immediately by his side. I was struck by their strength together. "Was that selfish? Fuck yes it was, pretty damned selfish, but you tell me this is Bella wanted a child with all that she had, really wanted one and it was impossible for her to conceive one, would you move heaven and earth to get her one?" Edward flinched because Carlisle struck a nerve, I could see it. He pulled out the on excuse that Edward could not argue with. "Well, I did the same for the love of my life. I took advantage of an opportunity. Did we question where this baby came from? Nope, we sure as hell didn't. We didn't have to, we knew." I gasped and Carlisle met my eyes with his own cold blue eyes. He held my gaze as he spoke the next few sentences. "We both knew but at the time it seemed like the best option for this sweet boy. Edward, you were so fucked up each and every day that you didn't know you own name most times. Bella, you were off in Europe dancing. Renee convinced us that you hated Edward and didn't want him or anything else to do with him. It wasn't hard to buy when the tabloids presented him in less than a desirable light." I stepped forward and touched the small of Edward's back. I needed his strength to hear this. I needed to provide him mine if I could. "So we took our family member, this innocent child and we loved him. We raised him and we did a damned fine job." He looked at Esme and she gave an almost imperceptible nod to him. His eyes flashed from Edward's to mine and back to Edward's again. "You two weren't in the shape to do it, neither of you. I know it hurts to hear that, it hurts me to say it but it's the truth. We agonized over this, believe me we have but we saw no other choice. If we said no then the lawyer already had another couple lined up. We were afraid to turn him down, we wanted to do the right thing but we were afraid to let him go to strangers. People we didn't know, people who might not love him and care for him the way we did. So, yeah, we did it. We kept him." Carlisle hugged Esme and wiped a few tears away from her face.

Edward's cold as steel voice asked the one question I had been way too afraid to ask but wanted to know all along. "Were you ever planning to tell us? Ever?"

"Yes, I know you'll find that hard to believe but we did. But only on one condition…each of you were in a healthy spot in your lives. We kept in touch with both of you through other channels. We knew what happened, we knew about Bella's almost break down, we knew about your drug use and rehab. Each and every time, Edward, we prayed it was the last time. We prayed that it would work this time so that we could tell you, give you something healthy and productive to live for. But it was never the right time because above all else we refused to put Riley into a dangerous or harmful situation."

"Everything we did was for him and with you in mind, we swear it. Edward, I've loved you like you were my own child, you know this, I would never intentionally harm you, ever. We really thought we were doing the right thing," Esme pleaded.

Edward snapped. He threw my arm off of him and launched himself towards Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle realized his intentions and pushed him back at the same time he attacked. Edward slammed into the large table in the foyer and knocked off the vase of flowers there. The table crashed down and Edward spilled all across the hardwood floor. Carlisle jumped and moved towards him at the exact time he hit the floor. Esme gasped and moved behind Carlisle. Edward floundered around trying his best to get up, nothing seemed to work exactly right. He had a large cut over his right eye and his hand bleed some. It must have been the glass from the vase that inficted those wounds on him. I didn't matter, he was hurt, Carlisle and Esme were crying, screaming and I worried that it would wake up Riley at any moment.

I began to shout and scream along with them. I felt guilty for it all, if I had stood up to Renee just once, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we would have spent our lives together and not fractured as broken people who craved each other more than air.

My chest heaved.

My hands gripped into each other, the sore skin of my palms broken open again.

My muscles hurt they are clenched so tightly.

The black spots are back as I scream and cry.

I let it all out, I let out all the pain.

The denials from Renee.

The defeat when I was never good enough, no matter how hard I tried.

The weight and snickers I heard each day when I showed up for practice.

The looks of disappointment.

The longing for Edward.

The fear he was gone.

The anguish when I thought he was with someone else, someone normal.

The ache of empty arms after Riley was gone.

The flat, uneventful life I lived.

I screamed for it all.

I screamed until my throat was sore and I saw spots.

My heart raced and my eyes went dark.

I felt my muscles give way and I knew I was on my way down. I was passing out.

Esme screamed and Edward caught me, I opened my eyes and saw his beautiful crooked grin once more before I succumbed to the darkness.

I left the pain and grief behind like I had for all those years. I locked it away and never dealt with it. I moved on like it hadn't happened and I did that once again, even if it was only a temporary solution.

I just gave in!

I floated in a sea of white. I felt weightless, happy, content.

I looked around me and saw Edward and Riley, dressed in white suits, both had blinding smiles on their faces.

I never wanted to leave this space.

I never wanted to feel that heaviness again.

I wanted our perfect lives back; the ones that we had created inside the bubble of young love.

No drugs.

No disappointment.

No separation.

Bliss … I wanted to be on pointe with Edward at the piano as Riley clapped and cheered us both on.

That's where I wanted to be.

The only place I wanted to be.


	26. 13A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems that a rather lot of you are pissed at Carlisle and Esme. Please remember that they DID NOT KNOW that they were doing anything illegal. The adoption was all above board. AND, Renee DID have Power of Attorney over Bella, so technically she didn't do anything illegal, either. Just shady and awful.
> 
> I love, love, love that you are ALL so passionate about Edward staying clean. Me, too….trust me.

EPOV

My adrenaline was pumping.

It felt like everything was in slow motion as the air around me filled with thick, heady tension.

Out of nowhere I heard a terrifying sound ... a scream ... Bella's voice ... screaming. And as I turned to her, I watched her fall to the ground just as I lunged to catch her.

I cradled her head as her limp body filled my arms. My heart shattered at the sight of her so depleted from life. I called out to her as tears filled my eyes and wet my cheeks. I talked to her, called her name, reassured her of my love, reaffirmed that I was here, by her side, forever.

Nothing worked as she lulled in and out of consciousness. Her mumblings incoherent as Carlisle went to work with a medical assessment and treatment. The ambulance ride was mortifying to me as I recalled the various trips when I had to be escorted to the hospital in critical condition the same as my Princess was now.

I couldn't stop the anxiety and fear from overtaking my lungs or the rips I felt on the corners of my heart.

My head told me she'd be fine and we'd get through this, but I was still gripped with the notion her life might never be the same again.

She'd finally cracked.

After all the years apart, after all the shit Renee had put her through, all the moments I wasn't there to rescue her; it all became too much.

We pulled up to the hospital and things became even more chaotic as time stood still when they pulled her hand from mine and rushed her into a treatment room. I was forced to stand there, alone, and watch the love my life in the hands of another.

I couldn't rescue her.

I had to put my hand on my chest to stop the rapidly beating thunder my ears were consumed with.

I sat in a chair and put my head between my knees and closed my eyes as I concentrated on stopping the panic attack threatening the edges of my mind.

She was safe.

She wasn't alone.

She knew I was here.

"Edward, I called your parents. They'll be here shortly." Carlisle said as he sat beside me with a hand on my shoulder.

I couldn't control the tears as I looked up to the man I'd always considered a second father.

"I can't lose her, Carlisle. I just got her back … I simply cannot lose her." I sobbed as he pulled me into his arms.

He comforted me and told me he felt this was the psychotic break he'd seen coming for a while.

He explained Bella hadn't grieved for the death of Renee, hadn't truly dealt with the aftermath of her accident and subsequent lies Renee had force fed her, nor had she truly come to terms with the abuse she'd been subjected to for the better part of her life. He knew she wasn't stable and the medication she was on wasn't really helping her deal with the emotions she needed to.

"What can I do? How can I help her?" I begged as I wiped my face and ran a hand through my hair.

"Be here. Help her face the realities of what she's been through. Continue to reassure her you aren't going to abandon her and you'll be there while she goes through therapy. Hell, both of you should be in therapy together." He said as he stood to get a cup of coffee from the table across from us.

My rage for Renee Swan filled my veins. Once again, Bella was suffering because of her doing.

She'd always forced Bella to be tough, have nerves of steel and never truly allowed her to be emotional when it was warranted.

I had been in therapy for three years and valued the merit of all it had done for my own life, so I knew it could only benefit Bella to attend as well. And, Carlisle was right, we needed to be in therapy together.

While I had loved her since she was four years old, Bella was not the same person I knew and loved, nor was I the same Edward she once knew.

Life had changed us.

Life had destroyed us both.

Circumstances had pulled us apart.

Circumstances had kept us apart.

Our love is a bright and shining sunny morning, and our separation is the wicked storm of night.

We simply didn't work without the other. I think time had proven that again and again.

However, I wasn't sure how healthy we would or could be together, either. I had a long history of abusing drugs. Bella had a long history of emotional abuse.

Those two combined could either flourish in a flat, even road or burst into a chaotic rollercoaster of turmoil.

I hoped and prayed Bella and I could see our way through all of this, together.

"Edward?" I heard my mom's voice call me out of my revelry.

"Mom," I cried as I felt her arms comfort me as only they could. I might be a grown man, but I will forever need the comfort her arms provided me.

Then, guilt settled over me.

Bella never knew the true comforts of a mother's love or the softness of unconditional love with understanding.

"It's okay, son, we're here. We've got you." My father's voice soothed my nerves as he hugged me from behind.

My relationship with my parents had blossomed now that I was clean and sober. I wanted them in my life. I needed them in my life.

And I know Bella needs them, too.

"Bella's hurt." I spoke through a raspy voice as I pulled back from my mother's embrace.

"Carlisle filled us in." My dad replied.

"Have you called Charlie?" I asked as I turned to sit back down.

"Do you want us to?" Edward, Sr. asked as I ran a hand over my face.

"I think we need to. She'll need all the strength she can get. She just … fuck. I don't know anymore. Everything just feels like it's piled up so high. I don't even know where to start." I said, and I felt that tightness in my chest again.

"It's okay, Edward. I'll call him." Elizabeth said as she pulled her phone from her purse and left the waiting area.

"Carlisle, when will we hear something?" I asked as I felt my anxiety began to rise again.

"I'll go check and see how things are going." He said as he got up to leave.

I watched him walk away and instantly felt regret for the fight I'd had with him earlier.

I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had a son.

A son who was now my cousin, I thought and a shudder ran through me.

"Edward, how did you get that cut on your head?" My dad's concerned voice forced me to wince as I remembered the battle from earlier.

I was suddenly embarrassed and full of worry about telling my parents about my child …well, about a son I didn't know I had.

Fuck.

Life was truly fucked up again.

And this time around, I had to be sober and just deal with it.

"I got into a fight with Carlisle." I muttered and hid my eyes.

"What?" My dad's stern and confused voice rang into the quiet silence.

I looked up and saw disappointment and trepidation in the eyes shining back at me.

"Did you know Bella and I have a son?" I questioned. I didn't know if everyone but me knew about Riley.

"What?" My father asked, his face a range of emotions as I nodded at him.

"Apparently, Bella got pregnant at graduation. Long story short, she had an accident where Renee told her the baby had died. But, um … she gave him up for adoption." I said as the realization dawned in my father's eyes.

"She didn't. They couldn't." He said, shocked and hurt.

I nodded again.

"She did. And they would, apparently." I answered, and ran my hand through my hair again.

"How did you find out?" He asked, and I could hear the fear in voice.

Just then, my mom, Esme and Carlisle walked into the waiting area, "Edward, you can see her now." Carlisle informed me.

"Son, are you sure this is wise?" My mother said as she stepped in front of me and searched my eyes.

"I'm positive. That's the love of my life lying in that bed, alone, hurt and sick. I have to be there for her." I answered and squeezed her shoulder before I stepped around her to follow my uncle back to Bella's room.

He paused outside her door and turned to me, "Try and keep her calm, if possible."

I nodded and waited for the door to be opened.

I walked in and saw my Princess.

The one I had known all my life.

So small and curled onto her side, her face smudge with dried and fresh tears, her eyes puffy and red as her lip quivered my name.

"Edward." Her voice even sounded small.

Then her eyes closed as I wrapped my hands around hers.

"What's wrong, Carlisle?" I whispered as he stood beside me.

"She did have a psychotic break. She's in a manic state that bottomed out. Her mind is trying to protect itself from the deluge of emotions she's repressed for so long." He answered quietly as he moved to pick a piece of hair off her face.

"She's been through so much." His voice full of nothing but love as he looked at my Princess and shook his head.

"Is this my fault?" I spoke in a tremor, my own emotions about to crumble at the thought I hurt her.

"No, Edward. This has been years in the making. I'm sure the trauma of her accident, Renee's death, learning about Riley and then of course, finding you again … well, it's a bit much for her to handle with no outlet." His reply held emotions but also the feel of a doctor that was handing a loved one information about the patient.

"She just found me last night." I felt the tear roll down my cheek at the memory of having her in my arms again after all these years.

"I'll let you stay for a while. I'm going to go fill everyone else in and find out about her treatment." He said as he touched me on the shoulder.

"Carlisle?" I said as I turned to him. I knew I needed to make things right, even if I didn't know what right was in this situation.

"Yes," He stopped walking and looked at me.

I just stood there and looked at him, unsure of what to say.

"It's okay, Edward. I probably would have reacted the same way." He said with a sigh before he smiled a small smile at me, "We'll figure it out."

With that, I watched him walk out and close the door quietly behind him.

I turned back to Bella and held in a sob.

"Come back to me, baby. I need you. I've always needed you." I whispered to her sleeping form.

I wasn't sure if she could hear me or not.

I wasn't sure if she even realized I was here or not.

But I knew.

I knew I would never leave her side again.

I held her tiny hands in mine and studied her fingers.

She had a light pink glaze to her manicured nails. It made me smile. Pink always had been her color.

The subtle grace of the hue against her alabaster skin, her stark dark brown hair and those big expressive brown eyes; it made up the beauty I'd always seen in her.

It was how I'd always seen her in my dreams.

Soft pink fabric embracing her skin as her hair pulled tight atop her head, the long line of her neck and back followed by the sensuous lines of her legs as she twirled around the room.

That's my Princess.

"Knight," she mumbled and began to fidget.

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

"I'm here, Princess. I'm here with my sword to rescue you." I whispered against her temple, and she curled around my hands that held hers.

She mumbled again, but I couldn't really understand what she was saying.

But she had to know I was here.

I hoped she felt safe.

I reached behind me and pulled the small chair over to sit down.

I was exhausted.

I leaned my head back on the chair and watched Bella for a few minutes before my own eyes drifted closed.

I don't know how long I had been asleep when I felt someone or something on my hands.

I opened my eyes to see Bella staring back at me as her hands kissed my swollen knuckles.

"You're here." She said, almost quieter than a whisper as her voice was hoarse from screaming.

"I am. I'm not leaving." I replied quietly as I leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"I'm sorry." She said with tears in her eyes.

"Don't, baby. Just rest. I'm here, I'll take care of you." I said with confidence as her tears began to fall.

I leaned further onto the bed to hold her as best as I could and wrapped my arms around her.

Her head was able to snuggle into the crook of my neck.

We were quiet and just laid there, until I heard her sigh deeply, and I knew she was asleep once again.

I carefully extracted myself from her hold and stood up to stretch just as a soft knock sounded on the door.

"Come in." I answered just in time to see Charlie Swan's face peek through a small opening.

"Hi Edward, how's our girl doing?" He came to stand next to me as we both watched over her sleeping form.

"As well as can be expected, I guess." I answered as I picked up her hand to kiss it, never wanting to stop touching her.

"How did either of you end up here?" He asked after a few minutes of stifling silence.

I sighed and motioned for him to sit in the chair beside the bed as I managed to sit on the foot of Bella's bed and keep a hold of her hand.

"She showed up at one of my shows last night." I replied and watched the sleeping girl in front of me. I studied the way her brow furrowed a bit so I reached out and tried to smooth it with my fingers. A small smile played on her lips as my finger lingered on her face.

"She's really missed you." Charlie said and pulled me from the moment I was caught in.

"I've missed her more than words could ever say." I said with a sigh and cupped her cheek.

"So, you going to tell me what happened?" The Chief's voice was full of curiosity, and I knew I had to be honest with him.

We sat and talked for a while as I told him everything that had transpired over the past twenty-four hours.

He moved back in the chair and stared at Bella while a heavy silence lapsed between us.

"I always knew Renee pushed too hard, that she manipulated Bella's life to suit her own needs. I'm just sorry it's affected not only my daughter's life, but yours as well," he said with sincerity and a tinge of anger laced in his tone.

"I have nothing nice to say about your wife, other than the fact she helped to create the love of my life," I said, as politely as I could.

Charlie smiled and looked up at me as I sat on the edge of Bella's bed.

"She always knew you would sweep Bella off her feet when the time came. I think she was scared of the intensity the two of you have always had. Hell, even I worried about it after that first time I saw you with my baby girl. You were so protective of her and super defensive about anyone that even remotely appeared to put her in harm's way," he said and stood up beside her bed as his hand came up to touch her tiny fingers.

"There were times I even felt threatened by you. I mean, I'm her dad, I was supposed to be the 'protector' in her life, but you beat me to the punch every single time, kid." He gave a light laugh as he looked at me again.

I had always liked the Chief. It was a shame this was how our lives came to interact again after all these years.

"What are your plans, Edward?" He asked, suddenly serious and watching Bella closely.

"I'll stay by her side for as long as she wants and needs me too." I declared and straightened my shoulders, ready to state my case.

He nodded and sat back down in the chair, "And what if she stays like this? I tried to get her some counseling, some form of help after Renee died, but it didn't really go anywhere. And you know Bella, stubborn as a mule."

"It's not gonna be easy, Charlie. I know that. Hell, I've been through worse. But I can promise you this, I won't fail her again. I won't leave her side. I'll be there however and whenever she needs me." I tried to make him see nothing and no one was going to force me out of her life again.

He smiled and clapped me on the back as he stood beside me, "I believe you, son."

He walked towards the door, "I'll be back in a few hours. I'm going to get checked into a hotel and grab some food."

"I'll be right here," I replied and looked back at him.

"I know." He smiled and shut the door behind him.

I moved into the chair and scooted it closer to the bed so I could hold her hand.

"Baby, I've missed you so much. Please come back to me." I whispered before I leaned over to kiss her forehead.

I laid my head down and listened to her breathing.

This is all I had dreamed about for so long … I only hoped Bella could get past all of this and come back to me.

But I would wait for her ... forever.


	27. 13B

Bella

Bits and pieces of life floated around my mind. I heard things, things Carlisle and Edward said. I saw bits of our life before and how it could be now. I hoped and prayed this was not too much for Edward. I didn't want to set him back in his life. He had worked so hard to get to this point; sober and happy. The last thing I needed to do was push him back over the edge.

I wanted to hold it all in somehow or another, but I just couldn't. It was like a room filled with water, once the door was opened, even if it was just a crack, you couldn't stop the water from rushing out. It was beyond my control. I had opened the door, so I just had to deal with the aftermath.

Part of me screamed that this is why I never allowed my emotions out before. Some people could prance them out and deal with them like a show pony and be fine afterwards. I was not in that group; I was sure of that. Besides, Renee never gave me a chance to do that anyway. Her attitude about it was that it was in the past and why worry about it now? I see the point in that, but then again, you just end up sweeping everything under the rug 'til you end up like me, screaming your brains out in the psycho ward in a local hospital.

I needed Edward; I needed to feel him, to see his face and know he was okay. To know I didn't push him over the edge again.

For some reason, the lyrics to Dream On by Aerosmith hit me, probably because it was always one of Edward's favorite songs. I must have heard it a million times over the years.

Every time I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer, the past is gone.

It went by like dusk to dawn, isn't that the way? Everybody's got their dues in life to pay.

Well, I know nobody knows where it comes and where it goes.

I know it's everybody's sin, you got to love to know how to win.

Is that what we'd done? Had we lost so that now we knew how to win? I prayed the answer to that is yes as tears streamed down my face in small rivers. I prayed we had not lost it all, because I knew for certain, the next loss would be the one to break me for good.

I concentrated on humming the song to focus on Edward and what we could possibly have so I didn't focus on what we would never get back.

Half my life's in book's written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages.

You know it's true, all the things you do, come back to you.

I realized all the times I let Renee win because it was easier to not fight with her, was only setting me up for failure. I could see that now. I could see how I hurt Edward by letting her control me. It was clear now! Was that enough? Was it?

The chorus was next, but I couldn't force myself to sing that part. I just couldn't say the last line, because the last thing I wanted the Lord to do was take him away from me. I couldn't live without him. I just couldn't!

So I repeated the first two verses and sang the 'dream on' part. Because that was what I was doing at this point in time, I was dreaming. I was begging, I was pleading, I was bargaining. I was giving up things so Edward could take his place in my life permanently.

Therapy … done.

Talking about things between us … done.

Even the throwing up, I'd give that up for him. To make myself better for him, anything he needed.

I knew the doctor's would say those were the wrong reasons, but to me that was stupid. To me those were the exact right reasons. I needed to be healthy for him, healthy to keep him on track for us. Because without him, I was nothing. My life had shown that already. He was everything to me, everything good in me, that was all him.

I heard the door open and turned to see Edward and Carlisle walk in. They both looked worse for wear, but not because of a fight, they looked mentally strung out. My tears began with force again. I felt them rush down the sides of my face. I reached to wipe them away, embarrassed by them, but I couldn't move my arms. I began to panic and yank on the restraints holding me down. Edward rushed to my side.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. It's for your own safety." His large hand smoothed down the side of my face and wiped away the tears for me. "Come on, settle down for me, please. I hate to see you like this. Please, baby?" His voice sounded broken and tired. I couldn't help but whimper at the sound.

I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't. I felt a deep burn in my throat, and I only croaked. Edward rushed to stop me. "It's okay, you were doing a lot of screaming. Don't speak, your throat is too sore, it'll hurt you more. I'm here." He sat down beside me, and I tried to grab both of his hands. My eyes frantically searched the room, I was hoping Riley was not here. I didn't want him to see this part, to see me like this. I didn't want to hurt him.

Carlisle stepped forward and took my other hand. "Bella, you will be here for about 24 hours then you can check yourself out. I have spoken with the doctors here and they wanted to adjust your medications. Can you tell me who you normally see so they can consult with your doctor before they do that?" He looked so sad, his clear blue eyes held a level of emotion I had never seen there before. I felt responsible for that as well.

"I see Dr. Zafrina Rutledge. Her number is in my purse if that is still around here somewhere. She has an on-call number and her service can reach her anytime with that number." I mumbled. I knew they had given me something. I felt the sluggishness in my limbs and my brain seemed foggy.

He nodded and moved away. I grabbed his hand before he was able to distance himself from my bed. "Thanks, Carlisle. I'm so sorry." I emphasized each word and hoped he saw the truth in them.

"I know, Bella. I know you are, but to be honest, I worried this would happen all along. It's not healthy to keep years of things locked up, they have to come out sometime. Now that they are out, you just have to deal with them one at a time so you can get better for all of us." His smile calmed my nerves and his warm, gentle hand smoothed across the skin of my cheek. I leaned into his touch and returned his smile as best I could. "Esme is worried to death. I'll go call Dr. Rutledge and Esme to let her know what is going on as well. You take care, Bella. We'll see you soon." He squeezed my hand and let it go. I watched him walk away.

I felt my head grow heavy and my eyes drooped closed after Carlisle walked out. I remembered hearing the doctor talk about medications as I faded into darkness. I saw glimpses of my life. Somehow or another I knew they were things that had not happened yet but would. It was almost like I could peel back the layers of the universe and step into the future to see things.

I danced with Edward at our wedding.

I saw Riley as he ran around the yard.

I smiled and pushed my dad's shoulder as we sat on his houseboat and talked.

I saw big and small things. I saw things that brought a smile to my face and others that made me sad. I realized for the first time that I needed to deal with things. I needed to talk to about things. Sometimes it would be his fault and sometimes it would be mine, and sometimes it would be no one's fault. But I wouldn't have any happiness until I let go of all of this trapped in my mind and freed myself. I owed it to all of us. We had all suffered and deserved to be happy.

My dreams drifted back to Edward and I, all the things we had done together. I recalled all our happy times. I whimpered for him. "Knight," and I swore I heard him as he called back to me. But yet when I looked around, I didn't see him. I only saw the darkness that surrounded me, the deep unforgiving blackness. It was so dark, the 'you couldn't see your hand in front of your face' kind of black. Part of me wanted to lie down and give up. It would have been so easy. It would have felt so good to not be pressured any longer. But I couldn't, I had to do this! I owed this to Edward and Riley. Edward fought for me; he took a long painful road, but he still fought. And so now I had to fight for him as well. I had to show him he was worthy of my time and effort.

When my eyes drifted open on their own, I felt rested. I felt light and free. I also felt the warmth of Edward's large hand as it engulfed my own. I sat and watched him sleep. I saw the age and worry as it rested right around his eyes. I also saw the clean, shaggy hair that fell over his forehead. I knew he didn't like it that way, he never did. It bothered him when it fell into his face, but I loved it. It made him look young again, young and carefree. I wanted to take back all the hardship and drugs that had held him down. I wanted to shed all of his problems and walk away into the sun hand in hand.

We couldn't have that right now, but we would in the future. I would make sure of it.

I kissed his swollen, sore knuckles. I shuddered as I remembered his argument with Carlisle. As sad as I was about where I currently lay, I was ever thankful it stopped the fight between the two of them. I never wanted that for them. Edward's eyes drifted open and glanced around the room first. He looked lost and disoriented until his eyes met mine. Then he smiled and his beauty struck me full in the chest again.

I said the only words that came to mind, "You're here."

He sighed and smoothed my hair down. I tried to apologize, but he stopped me. I felt his arms wrap around me and the electricity that engulfed me was all encompassing. He encouraged me to sleep, and I did exactly that. It was just too hard not to when he held me so close to him, when I was able to breathe in his scent as well. It all mixed together in a way that made it the most heady cocktail I had ever had, I could tell you that much.

When I opened my eyes again, Edward was still in bed with me. This time though, he was semi reclined, and I was curled around him, holding him close to me at his waist. I also noticed my room was full. Carlisle, Esme, Edward Sr. and Elizabeth, my dad, as well as Emmett and Rosalie. They all look relieved as I tried to sit up. My dad rushed forward to attempt to help.

"Hey, Bells, you scared the shit out of me, you know that?" He asked with his lips pressed against my forehead. I simply nodded because I knew any words would push me over the edge and I would cry. I didn't want that in front of everyone, so I just nodded.

When my dad stepped away, Elizabeth came over and stopped beside the bed. She appeared scared to approach, so I waved her over. Edward snickered at us, but she stepped forward. I ignored the sounds and waited to feel her pressed against me, because I knew what was coming. I knew she would hug me, she would love me and make a fuss over me. Like a mother should … like my mother should have done but just never did. I teared up again as she gently pulled me into her. Elizabeth treated me like I was fragile china and I would break with the least little touch.

"My girl is finally home. I have missed you so, so, so much." She has tears in her eyes as well. In fact, the whole room sported them. No one was embarrassed or wiped them away so neither did I. "We have missed you like you can't imagine. I'm so glad you're home." She kissed my head, and I felt her pause just like Edward does. It made me chuckle, but neither of them acknowledged it at all. I think they were too caught up in what happened to each of us while I was gone. Their eyes showed regret, but they also showed optimism as well. I focused on the latter.

When Elizabeth stepped back from me, the rest of the room acted as if we had all seen each other yesterday. Talking commenced and introductions were made. Edward, his dad, Carlisle and my dad all discussed music and contracts with Emmett. Esme, Elizabeth and Rosalie talked about all kinds of different things. I sat and soaked up the love. I realized this was what a family was, it was the people that ran when you were in the hospital, not the ones fate gave you.

Several hours later, after everyone had gone home and Edward and I lay in bed, I brought up the subject I knew we were going to have to broach eventually. It might as well be now while I had good medications to help me deal with the answers if I didn't like them.

"Edward, what are we going to do about Riley?" I whispered.

His hand paused in my hair. The strands were twisted in his fingers, they had drifted about halfway through when he paused. I heard the deep breath and the louder exhale that followed it.

"I don't know yet. I think all of us - you, me, my mom and dad, your dad, Carlisle and Esme- need to sit down and discuss what we need to do about it. Because to be honest Bella, I don't know what to do." I heard another deep breath and felt his chest respond with movement as well. Neither of us had bothered to look at the other, I think we both knew it would be too hard to speak if we did. "I still want to rush over there and snatch our child out of their house. I want him with us to make up for all the time we missed and watch every single thing that happens to him from now on … but is that the best thing?" He didn't answer and offered no movement to indicate what his exact thoughts were, so I simply shrugged.

Because to be honest, I had spent so many hours on that same thought, and I couldn't decide what would be best. For two simple reasons ... Edward and myself. We were both broken and damaged people, and we were not in a position to raise a child. As much as I wanted him with me to watch his every single action just as much as Edward did, I still felt like he was better off with Carlisle and Esme. They were stable, happy, well-adjusted and in a position where they could focus on him and him alone. We were not. We both had addictions to deal with. We both had emotional issues to wade through before we could be anywhere near whole enough to take a child and be responsible for him. So, once again, I was torn.

"I want him, Bella. Motherfucker, I want him more than anything in the world. To hold him and just be near him. He is us, parts of you and me combined to make a perfect little thing. So that alone makes me want to be selfish and never let him go." Edward hopped up off of the bed and began to pace around as he spoke. "But we can't fuck this up. Other than you, he means more to me than anything or anyone in this world. And that says a lot since I have yet to lay eyes on him. But we have got to do this right." He stopped his movements and searched my eyes for confirmation that I felt the same. He wouldn't find a fight in me, I agreed whole heartedly. I just nodded. "So, then how do we become a part of his life, yet still allow him to live in their house?"

"I don't know," I whispered. I felt tired and strung out. I could tell the difference in the medications they had me on now. It made me so sleepy, and I could hardly hold my eyes open as we talked.

Edward came back to my side and perched on the bed beside me. "Sleep now, baby, we have time to figure it all out. We have the rest of our lives, I swear it!" He kissed the top of my head, and I curled up against his side as I drifted off to sleep.


	28. 14A

EPOV

A week had passed before I was finally able to take Bella home, well, to her apartment. She insisted she didn't want to be a bother to me or my routine and wanted to go to her place instead of mine.

I didn't care. I wasn't leaving her side.

She protested and said she didn't want to interfere with my life, with my recovery, but I squashed all those insecurities and anxious feelings real quick.

"Bella, haven't we both proven being apart is what hurts us the most? Don't we owe it to each other, to our son, to be as strong as we possibly can be?" I said softly but forcefully as she watched me with big, anxious eyes.

She finally nodded.

"Then it's settled. I'll take you home, and we'll manage through all of this, together." I spoke quietly just before I leaned down to kiss her forehead.

That had been a few hours ago and now that we were here, in a cab in front of her apartment building, I'm not so sure she was ready for what the future held for us.

"I'm here, Princess. I'm not going anywhere. Ever," I whispered into her hair as I kissed the top of her head.

My parents arrived shortly after we made it into the apartment, bringing food and some extra stuff for my stay so I could take care of my Princess.

My mom and Bella disappeared into the bedroom for what felt like an eternity as I paced the living room floor. My dad walked around the room, stuck in the past as he travelled through the years of our lives in the pictures placed around the room.

"What a blessing to have such a history," he finally commented as he sat on the couch, holding the small picture of Riley.

Before I sat down beside my father, I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I could have a cigarette, but I didn't want to smoke in Bella's apartment.

"I love him, and I don't even know him … is that weird, Dad?" I asked as I reached over and ran a finger across the face of the small boy in the frame.

My dad smiled and looked at me, "No, son, that isn't weird." He sighed and laid the picture frame on the table beside him.

"But, you have to think about what's right for him. Not what you want. I know you love him. It's expected you would, he's your flesh and blood. However, he only knows Carlisle and Esme as his mom and dad. All I ask is you and Bella think long and hard about these past few years in your lives before you do anything to disrupt his." His eyes held their own hurt, concern and love for all of those involved in this fucked up situation.

"We will, Dad, but I can't promise someone won't get hurt. If Bella and I decide to take Riley back, I have to know we have your support," I said with my own fears clear as my voice shook.

"Son, I've always supported you, even when you were wrong, but you have to figure life out for yourself. However, I'll always be here to give you advice. You know that." Edward Senior suddenly looked old to my eyes. I could see the years of worry and hurt I'd caused him by how I lived my life.

I knew I never, ever wanted to see that look again. I felt the need to apologize again for all I had done wrong.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I whispered before we both heard the bedroom door open and my mom walked back into the living room.

"She's resting, Edward, but she wants you, so we'll just get our things and go. You know we're only a phone call away if you need us," she said with a warm smile and kiss to my cheek.

"I do." I smiled back and walked them to the door.

"Don't push her, Edward. I know you'll do what's right." My dad's eyes showed nothing but love for me, for Bella, and for all the adversity we still had to overcome.

I nodded and locked the door behind them before I turned to face the quiet of the room.

Suddenly, I was gripped with fear.

I was alone with Bella … my Princess.

After all these years of wanting her, missing her, needing her and now … she was right there behind that small wooden door.

How do I make up for all the years lost? How do we pick up where we left off? Fuck that, how the fuck do we even start over?

I just needed to see her, be near her, and touch her. Especially now that I was without fear, the fear that had always haunted us, the fear anyone could walk in on us, hover over us, or simply come to check on us at their leisure. More importantly, the fear Renee could do her best to keep us apart as best as she could figure out, was now gone.

I walked around the living room once more, taking the time to again let in all the memories each picture held, to let my mind refresh the empty spaces that had captivated my heart for a lifetime.

She was still that tiny pink Princess … I was still her Knight.

Each picture reaffirmed the love, the connection, the depth of what we've always shared, ever since we were those small four year old children in the park. I knew this was right, that we were right. I had to go to her, to comfort her and help her get back to a point where she could see the best part about both of us, the part that only came alive when we were together.

I quietly knocked on the door before I opened it to see her curled up in a tiny ball in the center of the bed. Her hair was pulled up in a crazy bun-type thing with pieces sticking out everywhere, her skin was pale and she had dark circles around her eyes, but she was absolutely beautiful.

"Princess," I whispered as I moved to my knees beside her on the bed. My fingers lightly brushed across her soft cheek as a little whimper left her lips.

"Knight," she whispered as I moved close enough to touch my lips to her forehead.

"Shh, baby, I'm right here," I said against her skin.

"Hold me, please. Please, just hold me," she begged, and it tore my heart in two.

"Of course, love," I said as I stood and removed my shoes and over-shirt before I crawled in and tucked her small frame against me.

Her face nuzzled into the crook of my neck, her lips gently grazed my skin and a shudder rolled through my body.

Her legs tangled in between mine as she fought to crawl as close to me as she could physically get. I was practically on top of her as she burrowed deeper and harder. I smiled and pulled my arms and legs tighter around her. I willed my dick to stay down, but to have her body this close; her smell, her breath against my neck, it was more than my senses could take. I immediately felt the strain against the zipper of my jeans.

"You always make me feel safe," she said as her hands began to stretch and roam my chest on top of my t-shirt.

"I'll always keep you safe, Bella," I murmured into the side of her head.

"Please don't leave me. I've missed you so much." I could hear the tears in her voice before I felt them on my shirt.

I pulled my head back and tilted her head up so she could see me, "Baby, I've missed you too. I won't leave your side again, not until you order me away."

"Never. Never, Knight. I need you so much … please, Edward. Please show me. I want you to show me I'm safe, that I'm yours, that our love is really real." Bella's voice cracked as the stray tears fell from those pleading eyes.

I wanted to show her, with my body, to regain that connection, but wasn't it too soon?

"Baby, I'm not sure if it's the right time for us to connect that way. I want you too, please don't misunderstand, I just want to give you the time you need," I said as my eyes begged for her to understand it was for her own good.

She drew up her face in anger.

"Fuck that, Edward Cullen," she said as sat up quickly and turned to hover over me.

"We've had to face tragedy, loss, hurt and years apart because everyone else was making decisions for us. But now," she gestured between us, "it's just us. Me … your Princess. And you … my Knight." Her eyes were wild with anger, confidence and strength.

"I want you. I miss you. I need, no fuck that, WE need this reconnection. We need to fucking feel something. I need to feel the love, the sense of belonging only you can give to me." She said with a huff and sat back against the headboard of the bed. "But, if you don't want me, you know, that way, I need to know now, so I can accept that and quit wanting it so much," she said as she wiped her eyes and looked away from me, her head completely turned from my view.

I sat up, perplexed and in awe.

"Bella," I spoke as the air around us felt alive, a spark of something new spinning around us. "Bella, please look at me."

She sniffled and shook her head no, so I crawled across the bed to put myself in her line of vision.

"Not want you in that way? Are you out of your fucking mind? It's all I've dreamed about for years," I said as I grabbed her hands. "Feel this," I laid her palms against my straining jeans, "Does that feel like I don't want you?"

"Take me, Edward," she said as her mouth attached to my neck and a shiver ran through my heated body.

"Fuck." I breathed as I fought to restrain my desire for her.

"I need you, Knight." She whispered breathily into my ear before she ran her tongue around it.

"Fuck, Princess," I said before I pushed her down onto her back and watched as her lips curved into that smirk I'd missed for years.

"Take me, Edward. Show me how much you've missed me." She looked up at me through those clear, brown eyes, and I was lost.

The clarity was just like that first night so many years ago, then again in New York … and I knew life would never, ever be the same again.

Suddenly the room grew hot as our hands, mouths, and fingers couldn't move fast enough to rid both of us of the clothing covering our skin.

Moans and groans filled the space between pants and gasps before it all became too much in our haze of lust for one another.

Bare.

Skin to skin.

Her legs opened up, and I settled between them, both of us gasping. Our bodies begged for control of the air we needed to fill our lungs. The heat and electricity that filled the room, the silence that invaded our personal space, and the pressure from my heart all screamed at me to do one thing right in my life … to make her alright. To ensure she has a happy, healthy, productive life from here on out, and to make sure she enjoys every fucking second she has left.

Her arms came up under my shoulders, and I wrapped mine around her in the same way just as the tip of my cock pushed into her.

Ecstasy.

Pure.

Love.

Heaven.

I fought the moan as it broke through my lips. Her name escaped my throat, involuntarily.

She wrapped her legs around me as I set a short, deep, but steady rhythm where our bodies rocked together.

"Edward," she sighed and pushed up against me, pulling me deeper into her.

My eyes rolled back, and I fought to not lose control, just yet.

Perfection.

My Princess.

She wound her body around mine as her soul ripped through the hole within me her absence had left. It filled all the cracks and tears with the reaffirmation we belonged together, entwined, bound, and tangled.

Bella loved me; I felt it with her touch, with her thrusts and with every whimper … our bodies just took the opportunity to lead the way back to where we needed to be.

In that shared moment, we both knew this is what brought meaning to life; each of us, together.

All the years I'd wasted as I put so many drugs into my body to forget this powerful feeling … all the years she'd suffered at the hands of Renee's abuse … all just to keep her from enjoying this part of her life.

It was over.

We were together.

We'd remembered what was most important.

No metal needed to shield her from the emotions she felt.

No points of numbness to hide away the hurt her loss had forced me into.

We were Bella and Edward.

Us.

"I love you, Edward," Bella whispered before her lips captured mine. Her words pushed me towards the goal so much faster, a simple expression changed everything for me. It must have meant the same for Bella, because I felt her body respond to me as we both raced towards our climax at the same time.

Our tongues battled for a moment as the passion grew. Silence engulfed us; I could only see her. I could only hear her. I could only feel her as I exploded. My body stilled, warmth and happiness engulfed me. It was like a dream sequence in a movie; it was all the things a person longed to be in their life all at once. Loved, happy, secure, understood, appreciated, accepted, and wanted.

When reality rushed back in, I pulled back slightly. I started to pray Bella had enjoyed it as much as I had, when I realized she was still trembling through her ecstasy as well. We both calmed together, sated, breathless and still tingly all over.

I rested my head in the crook of her neck as her fingers began to strum through my hair while she tried to catch her own breath.

"I love you, Bella," I finally declared to her skin as I felt her smile against my shoulder.

A few minutes passed before I leaned up, our bodies still joined, as I rested on my elbows.

"I know we still have a lot to work out, but baby, this right here … it's the only place I'll ever want to be," I said as her eyes smiled along with her lips.

"Me too, love. Me too," she replied, and I felt myself grow hard inside of her again while her legs gripped my hips tight in their hold.

We made love again, and this time was soft and slow. Our eyes never left the other's as the tears flowed when we came again.

We laid side by side, wrapped up together, no words spoken as we relearned every inch of skin. It was amazing. I wanted to say I knew her before. And in a way I did, but now … this was a new time for both of us. We were adults. We had been through shit and walked out the other side. We were truly ready to stake our claims and fight for our love this time. Nothing and no one was going to stand in our way. This time we commited to knowing the new people we had became, not the children we were back then. This time we forged our bonds in a way no one would ever be able to break again.

Time stopped.

Nothing mattered.

Life sped on around us.

But in those hours, our lives formed the bonds we'd both so desperately needed all the years we'd been forced apart.

We repaired the cracks.

We sealed the holes.

We build a new foundation.

"We need a shower," Bella said, finally speaking into the heavy silence.

"Together," I replied with a grin.

"Always together." She smiled back.

The flood gates of our passion had opened, and we became insatiable as we fucked in the shower and again in the kitchen while we tried to prepare something to eat.

It was all wonderful, but nothing compared to the soft, gentle love we made in that bed for the last few hours of the remaining dark night.

Just as the sun peeked over the horizon and our eyes were finally ready to be filled with sleep, I heard her little voice against my neck, "Edward?"

"Mmhmm," I replied through my sleep filled haze.

"I want another baby." Her voice weak and needy, and my eyes shot open immediately.

"Oh baby, I know … and I want that with you, too," I said as I pulled her eyes up to mine and swiped away a few stray tears. "But we still have to work on getting things worked out between us, and then figure out what to do about Riley, first," I said as the vision of her small body filled with my baby, her belly bubbling out so sweetly from her body flooded my mind.

I grew hard again just thinking about it.

Then guilt filled me that I wasn't there for the first time to watch Riley's growing body come to life inside my Princess, to know I couldn't be the father he deserved or the man she needed.

"I know, Edward. I just … when he was inside of me, I always had a piece of you with me. It made the hurt dull, if that makes sense. And I want you there to experience it with me this time," Bella said so softly through her tears.

"Oh, baby." I held her tight and fought my own tears. "We'll get through this … and do it the right way this time, Bella. I promise it will happen for us again." I held her, and we both cried; cried for the time we'd lost, cried for the child we didn't have to hold, cried for the hurt we'd both endured.

As we fell asleep in each other's arms, I knew my dreams would be filled with the things we had yet to experience.

But even asleep, I knew we would still get there in real life, that it would be the life we woke up to every single day.

We had each other again.

Nothing could stop our dreams from coming true now … I had all I would ever need in my life to make me happy right here in my arms.


	29. 14B

Bella

It had been almost four weeks. Well, three weeks, three days and about ten hours since I walked out of the hospital and into Edward's arms. I knew I had a long way to go to get to a place that could be called healthy again, but having Edward with me was a start.

He was always the person that made me want to strive for more. The one that encouraged me to be who I was, yet reach to be better at the same time. It sounded stupid and corny when I described it now. I guess it was something special between us and others just wouldn't understand.

I sat and fidgeted, then I stood and paced, then I sat and wrote in my journal. I moved, and I pretended today wasn't the big day that it was. I tried to settle my nerves and talk myself down. I wouldn't lie, I wanted to go and just purge my stomach for two reasons; I felt like the rock that was in there would be better if it were out, and I wanted control. I wanted to feel like I had a handle on something. Even if it were something small, like how much food was in my body.

See that had always been my issue, I never had control. I was always told to go here, dance for that part, wear this costume, smile a little wider next time, and so on and so forth. I never decided. Now, had the control but wasn't sure what to do with it.

I reached for my phone instead.

"Hey, baby, I will be there in time; in fact, I'm almost there. Emmett made me come home; he said I was useless to him anyway." Edward's smooth voice took over my brain and almost all other thoughts left me.

"I know, its okay. I just … can you tell me again?" I asked, so small and afraid, so weak and desperate for his help.

"Sure, Princess, anything for you." I heard his deep intake of breath. I knew he was worried about me, but this had become our routine. I admitted when I felt weak, and he talked me through it with our memories. "You know the first time I saw you, you were all in pink. Head to toe." He chuckled under his breath. "You refused to play because princesses don't get dirty. That's what you told me." I closed my eyes and drifted back to a time when it was just us. We were young, and our life was so simple. Our hardest decision was what house had the best menu to eat dinner at. Nothing hard, nothing hurtful happened. I listened as his velvet voice soothed me. I let the tears slide from my eyes and thanked God he was here for me.

By the time he was ready to pull onto our street, I was calm again. I was ready to see him. He'd had to stop for gas, so I occupied myself for a little while longer. I flopped in the large over-stuffed chair that made me think of my dad and wrote it all down in my journal. It was a new part of my therapy, and to be honest, I liked it. It felt so liberating to get all those feelings out, to purge myself in a healthy way instead is what my doctor called it. When you combined that with my daily talks with Edward, I was on my way to living a life I could be proud of.

In fact, the journal worked so well for me Edward had started one as well. His was more about our life, the things he missed and things he enjoyed about our time together. I read through his words when he was done and some would make me laugh, some would make me cry. Then I would write things to him. We never held back in our journal. We were completely honest and had to attend therapy several times because of it.

The first time was when I read the six pages Edward wrote explaining how pissed off he was that I allowed Renee to push me around and how I never stood up for us. It hurt, it made me cry, it crushed my spirit and I almost walked away. But deep down inside, I realized he was right. I never fought for us. I just did as I was told. So, I called and made sure it would be alright if I brought Edward with me to my therapy appointment the next day, and we spent the hour hashing it all out. Dr. Zafrina explained how I had separated myself from those decisions in order to keep myself from losing my mind, and she explained to me how it was totally acceptable for him to feel angry. We talked about it and Edward shared so much that day. We walked away with several small things we had for homework to work on over the next few weeks, the main thing being communication.

Now we talk with each other every single day. I make dinner, he comes in and we sit and talk. No trivial subjects; we discuss our feelings, our sorrows, and all sorts of other things that hold us back. When dinner is over, we move on and enjoy our evening together.

Everyone tried to talk Edward into going back to his apartment to stay after I got out of the hospital, but he refused to leave me. I refused to let him leave me. We had both proven over and over again we just couldn't do it alone. We needed each other in order to survive. So, with Dr. Zafrina's approval, we moved in together. We tried with great effort to take it slow, but that didn't work either. There was just something about the way Edward's hands felt against my skin that soothed me and made me focus on how loved and appreciated I was. It made me see, that in his mind, I was worth it, so I worked harder to be worth it for him. I didn't know if that was acceptable or healthy, and to be honest I didn't care because it worked for us, so we went with it.

Over the last few weeks, we had both flourished. Edward had been hard at work with Emmett to write enough songs for a new record. I reconnected with my dad and worked on getting back into shape. I didn't want to dance professionally any longer, that desire had left me long ago, but I would have liked to teach a class somewhere. I wanted to see a child's eyes as they lit up when they got their position right or when they were lifted in the air for the first time. I wanted to see the joy for ballet again, and maybe, just maybe, that would bring back that long forgotten joy to my life and for dancing as well.

I also spent several days a week with a nutritionist. She helped me plan meals that were beneficial to my body. They helped me rebuild from the inside out. I knew it was necessary, but at the same time, I didn't fool myself into thinking it would be an easy road. The first time I threw up was at about age thirteen. That was a long time to hold onto a habit. I knew why I did it had changed that mental attitude, making it easier to let it go, but the physical habit was much, much harder to let go of. As sick as it sounded, it was so soothing to drop to my knees in front of a toilet and purge myself. I felt whole again, new, fresh, perfect, and in control. At one time it was a feeling I only felt there in that one place. Now I focused on the other parts of my life that brought me those same feelings, and I could walk away from the bathroom and not use it as my crutch any longer.

It was harder to watch the pounds form on my body. It was scary to watch Edward's face as he saw me naked. The astonishing fact was, his face showed me his disapproval so many times before I put the weight on, and not once did it show that same look with the extra weight. He showed me his stash of porn and the way his favorite girls looked. They were not skin and bones. In fact, they all looked sort of like me; long brown hair, brown eyes, full luscious mouths, and a rounded curved body. After several talks like this, I finally started to believe him. Especially when he would worship my body with his hands, mouth and his body every time I would tell him how much weight I had gained.

Life had settled into a nice rhythm for us both, except for one small part … Riley. Riley had spent the last month away at a camp. He left two days before Edward and I showed up at Carlisle and Esme's to have it out. I was thankful, the last thing I wanted was for his first impression of Edward to be in a volatile situation. He wrote me letters from camp. He told me of all the great activities he participated in, and Edward devoured every single one. Riley did not know about Edward yet, so he wasn't aware of the need to include him in the letters. Surprisingly, that didn't bother Edward. We all agreed we would wait 'til Riley came home to talk to him. It would be much less of a shock that way.

That was why I was so nervous today. Today was the day we would take Edward to meet Riley. I changed at least three times and then decided I was being silly because Riley already knew me. I didn't need to dress up to impress him. I just needed to help him see the real Edward, and I knew he would fall in love with him just like the rest of us had.

Apparently, I was needed to help calm Edward as well, because when he arrived back at the apartment we shared, he was a wreck.

"Hey, baby. You feel better now?" He asked as he kissed my forehead.

"So much so, thank you." I always felt embarrassed when he had to help me that way, but for whatever reason, I never felt embarrassed for him when he needed my help. I guess it bothered me to feel weak. I had always been weak, and I didn't want to be any longer. I watched as he dropped down onto the love seat.

"I guess I picked up your nervousness. I feel it now." As he looked up at me from beneath his lashes, and he looked so scared.

"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to project that onto you. I should not have called." I bit my lip in between my teeth and tried to figure out a way to make this better.

Edward pulled me down onto the love seat with him, and I went willingly. "Never; I always want to be your first call when you need anything. No matter what time, whatever the situation, never worry about calling me." I nodded and picked at the sleeve of his t-shirt. "Now I think I'm just nervous he won't like me, that I won't be enough for him, you know?"

"He's gonna love you. You two are so much alike it's not even funny. Besides, you play piano; he'll love you for that fact alone." Edward's eyes lit up. We had talked about Riley's love for the piano several times and his deep hatred for his current piano teacher. Edward itched to take over and teach him, but he would wait for Riley to suggest it, just to make sure he wasn't pushing him. "So, tell me about your day before we go 'cause we won't get to talk about that later, I'm sure we'll have more important topics then." I winked at him.

Edward relayed how Emmett sent him home early because he couldn't concentrate on a single thing. I worried about him because now he had my nervousness and his all rolled into one. I only knew one way to soothe him, so I immediately took him into our bedroom and stripped his clothes off of him. I made him lay face down on the bed and began to massage his tense neck, shoulders and arms. I moved down his back and worked his spine as well. I pushed the tension all the way down his body until I reached the tip of his toes.

He was relaxed and laid spread out on the bed for me. I could feel the charge in the air around us. I no longer felt tension, now I felt the need, his need. For once, he needed me, and I could make sure he was taken care of. I pulled my well-planned clothes off and flipped Edward over on the bed. I used my oiled hands to massage his cock. It stood at attention without much coaxing and was ready for me in a matter of minutes.

"Shit, baby, do we have time for this?" He panted.

"Shhh, you just let me worry about everything for the rest of the night, okay?" I teased his body with sweet kisses as I spoke to him. His hands tensed and reached for the sheets of our bed as he fought against himself to take control. "I'm here and can finally pay you back for all those times you took care of me. Let me show you what you mean to me, please." I opened my mouth and placed several open mouthed kisses across his hip. His hands dropped back to the bed, and I could see the submission on his face.

I climbed across his body and placed myself directly across the one spot I wanted to be. Between the massage oils I used on him and my natural lubrication, I was able to slide my body back and forth across his cock easily.

Edward's hand gripped my hips, but all they did was hold me. He let me set the pace, the rhythm, everything about this time was my choosing. I took it slow enough to keep his mind off the upcoming situation, yet fast enough to make sure we had time to get ready afterwards.

I whispered sexy things to him; dirty things and words of love all intermingled as I rode him. I used my body to show him my love and appreciation. And the look of satisfaction that passed across his face a few seconds before he came was enough to push me over the edge, and I joined him.

Within thirty minutes, we were both showered and dressed again. The trip to Carlisle and Esme's house was a quiet one but not uncomfortable at all. We each were locked in our own heads but still together in our presence.


	30. 15A

EPOV

Here we go.

After all the talking, crying and worrying, we were here. I was going to meet my son. I was with Bella, and we were going to see our baby.

Granted, she already knew him and he was not a baby any longer, but this was pretty huge for me.

It felt like I'd seen a million pictures, but in reality I hadn't met him in person, talked to him, held him, felt the feel of him in my presence.

Would he like me?

Would he hate me?

I knew I hadn't done a lot of things to be proud of in my life, but if anything good ever came out of the fucked up shit I'd ever done, it was him.

Riley.

Me and Bella … our baby.

Our son.

And it hurt like hell, still, to know he wouldn't call me 'dad', but I understood it a little better. We still had a few things to work through in therapy so we both could come to terms with what to do about this whole fucked up mess.

I wish I could kick Renee in the nuts. But I couldn't, and I had to work through it, yet every day it was such a source of anger for me.

"You ready to do this, baby?" I heard Bella's concerned voice beside me, and it pulled me back into this moment and out of my memories.

"I am," I said as I released a long, slow breath and opened the car door.

We walked hand in hand up to the porch of my aunt and uncle's house. I'd been here a million times, however this time felt like nothing I'd ever experienced.

I straightened my shirt one more time as Bella laughed lowly and smiled at me.

"Relax, Knight, you look perfect," she said with a wave of lust flashing across her eyes.

"Baby." I might have whined just as the front door opened. My aunt Esme smiled at us before she welcomed us into the house.

We all hugged and greeted each other before she ushered us into the living room.

"Bella!" Riley screamed and ran straight for her and jumped into her arms as she laughed and hugged him right back.

My heart swelled as I fought to keep my tears at bay.

Once they finished hugging, she set him down and turned toward me, "Riley, this is my boyfriend, Edward."

He looked me up and down, then suddenly a look of recognition appeared on his face before he turned to look quizzically at Esme and Carlisle.

Esme smiled, "Yes Riley, this is my nephew, Edward, the same one in all those crazy pictures at Aunt Liz's house."

She played it off as that simple.

Technically, that would make him my cousin, but I simply don't think I could have handled being introduced to him that way on our first visit.

He's a smart kid; this is a fucked up situation, and there was no need to convolute it any more than necessary.

"Hi Riley, it's nice to finally meet you," I said and crouched down to eye level with him. His eyes bore into mine like he was searching my soul for something, almost as if he infinitely knew I was more than just a new friend or family member.

I felt Bella's hand on my shoulder as I smiled at Riley. I had never put so much effort into one action before now as I tried with all of my might to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. I finally broke my gaze from my precious son and looked up at the love of my life.

"You look so different without all that stuff on your face and hair." The little boy finally said, and everyone in the room laughed.

I shook my head and looked back at him, "Yeah, I guess I kind of do, huh?"

After that, conversations began about my music, my career, how I knew Bella … then it was just natural. We had dinner and talked and laughed.

Before I knew it, it was time for Riley to go to bed. When he asked for Bella and I to tuck him in, I stared at Bella with fear in my eyes as she smiled and told him we'd be right there.

She pulled me into the bathroom and shut the door where her hands came up to my face as she cradled my cheeks. "Edward, I know it's been an emotional night, but he's just a child that has two new friends. Don't read more into it, just relish it all, okay?"

Her eyes flipped back and forth between mine as I felt a tear slip down my cheek, "He's so perfect." I heard my voice in a barely there whisper.

"He is," she said as her own eyes filled with tears.

"But he's not ours anymore, is he?" I asked as more tears began to fall.

She shook her head, and we cried together for a minute.

"Come on, he's waiting. We can talk more about this once we get home, okay?" she asked as she turned to the mirror and began to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

I slid my hands around her and held them over her belly as our eyes met in the mirror.

The pain that ached in my chest was almost more than I could bear.

Pain for not being there when Bella found out she was carrying our baby.

Pain for not being there when she heard his heartbeat for the first time.

Pain for not being there when she felt him kick for the first time.

Pain for not being there when she thought he had died.

All the times I had selfishly filled my veins with the drugs and booze and woke up feeling sorry for myself while Bella was living in her own hell.

I knew it would take a lifetime to erase the pain I had unknowingly inflicted upon my Princess, but I vowed in that moment neither of us would ever feel that kind of pain from the other ever again.

We washed our faces and opened the door only to be met with the somber faces of my aunt and uncle as they showed us the way to Riley's room.

I knocked lightly on his door as he smiled and told us to come in and read him a story. Bella and I sat on the edge of his bed as he asked me to read his favorite bedtime story.

I grabbed the book and held back a small laugh as I instantly noticed the cover was worn and well-read. It was my copy of my very own favorite bedtime story.

There's a monster at the end of this book, how many times had I forced my parents to read these same barely bound pages to me. Of course, my dad always did crazy voices and exaggerated the words, so I knew I had to do the same.

"Aunt Liz gave me that book. She told me it was your favorite, too," Riley said as he crawled over to sit next to me.

"Would you read it to me?" He asked as I looked down at him and brought my other hand up to rub across the pain in my chest.

I nodded and brought the book up between us to start the story as I felt Bella against my back, her chin rested on my shoulder.

I read through the pages as Riley snuggled up against me and listened intently to my words, even laughing a few times at the corny voices I made or reactions I gave to what I read.

It felt like life was supposed to feel.

Full.

Complete.

Whole.

But then the story was over, and it was time to tuck him and say goodnight.

I had to leave him here.

In his home.

With his parents.

That weren't Bella and I.

I fought to be strong as I leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"Goodnight, Riley, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite," I said with a chuckle.

He smiled and snuggled into his pillow.

"I won't." Almost as an afterthought, he called back to me, "Edward, can you and Bella come and play with me tomorrow? I have a really cool play set in the backyard." His eyes lit up as he waited for my response.

"I'd love to. See ya tomorrow, buddy," I said just before Bella kissed his forehead too.

We stood in the doorway and watched him for a few minutes before we turned and went back down the stairs. Carlisle and Esme waited at the bottom and led us into the living room.

We all stood instead of taking a seat.

"Edward," Esme began before Bella cut her off.

"Esme, Carlisle, thank you for tonight with Riley, but I really think I need to get Edward home. I'll call you tomorrow and talk about maybe coming over, okay?" Bella's hand wrapped around mine and kept me centered when all I really wanted to do was collapse into a sobbing mess or explode into rage over this whole situation.

I don't remember after we left their house.

I don't remember the drive back to our apartment.

I don't remember Bella as she led me to our bedroom and stripped me of my clothes.

She crawled into the bed, and we wrapped around each other and cried as our tears mingled and flowed.

"Tell me, Bella. Tell me all about him, please." My voice was just above a whisper as she met my eyes and slowly nodded her head and pulled me even closer.

Bella told me how she found out she was pregnant, how excited she was and then retold me the story about everything that led up to the point where she thought he'd died.

I'd heard this story a few times before, but I needed to relive it once again.

"I don't think we should take him away from Carlisle and Esme," Bella's voice shook as she spoke.

My head knew she was right, but my heart warred against her words.

"Bella," I said and pushed away from her. "I don't know if I'm ready to even think about that yet." I spoke as I sat up and swung my feet over the side of the bed.

"Edward, we have to; we have to figure this out. Together." Her words were soft and full of the heaviness that surrounded us.

I knew we did need to talk.

But there was so much pain. So much I still longed for.

Riley was my flesh and blood. How could I just so easily decide his fate as if we were discussing where to go for dinner?

Of course, I knew it wasn't that simple, but really talking it over and hashing it out wouldn't change the fact it felt that easy.

"Bella, I want him; he's our son. But to rip him from the only world he's ever known … I'm not sure I can do either of those things without hurting him," I said as I felt her arms circle around my waist as her chin rested on my shoulder.

I knew she was crying by the wetness on my skin.

I ran a hand through my hair and grabbed a cigarette.

I let the smoke rise and fall within me before I spoke again.

"He's a piece of each of us, that is for sure, but will he hate us for destroying his life?" I asked and felt her lips kiss on my neck.

"Will he hate us for not fighting to get him back? Or will he despise us for doing it?" I asked and felt the strongest urge to get high. I had fought through the longing before, but this time it was like nothing I'd ever felt; the urge to slice a needle through my vein and feel the rush of a hit as it swirled through my bloodstream.

"Edward, he won't hate us. When he gets old enough, we'll explain it all to him, maybe not all of the details, but enough that he'll know someone else made the choices we have to live with today." Her voice was soft and rough but firm.

"What do you want, Bella?" I whispered as I turned to her and pulled her into my lap.

She smiled as a few stray tears fell down her cheeks.

"I want all of us to be happy." It was that simple to her. She'd lived with the weight a mother carries when she loses a child, and now that she found him again, all she wanted was for the three of us to be happy.

"We don't have to decide anything tonight," I said and let my lips begin to explore her skin. I needed to feel her all around me, consuming me, connected to me, inside of me.

"No, we don't," she said in a breathless reply.

We made love endlessly that night, well into the early morning light.

We clung to one another with a desperate need to fill the hole we both felt within our souls.

The loss of our child.

The loss of the perfect little life.

But we were here together now, in love, connected and ready to move into the future.

Now, we just had to figure out what that meant.


	31. 15B

Bella  
I lay awake and watched as Edward tossed and turned in his sleep. I knew he struggled with what to do for Riley. He wanted what was best for him, and yet at the same time, he was selfish. I didn't blame him at all. In fact, I felt the same feelings when I first came in contact with Riley. The hardest part of being a parent was doing the right thing no matter how hard it was on you. Liz and I had talked about it several times. She reminded me that often parents sacrifice their own happiness to make their kids happy. I knew without a doubt what she spoke of because I had done that with Riley. And now, well, now Edward had too.

I saw it in his eyes that he wanted to run away with him, but at the same time, he knew staying with Carlisle and Esme was the best thing for Riley. The conflict just about killed me. I didn't want him to suffer, to over think this or even hurt one single second over it. I wanted him to see we could have it all. We just had to be patient and allow it to come to pass.

My body cried out for me to go to the bathroom and then I wanted to get a drink. It only took me a second in the bathroom, and then I padded down the hall to the kitchen. The cold juice felt so good as it slid down my throat. I almost spit it out as Edward's hands slipped around my hips and pulled me close. First of all, because he caught me while I drank out of the carton, the very thing I busted his balls about doing all the time; secondly, because I didn't want to wake him. Just a few more seconds and I would have been back in bed with him. I pushed the juice back into the fridge and turned in his arms.

"Baby, did I wake you?" His eyes looked so sleepy and innocent as he blinked back at me in the light that shined from the still open fridge.

"Yeah, well … no, not really. I had a dream, and I think that is really what woke me up. I'm not sure." He chuckled and rubbed his head. His hand attached to mine and pulled me back toward our bedroom. Every step he took, I took one to match it.

When we were settled back in bed, my head on his chest, I asked him the one thing I really wanted to know.

"Was it a good dream or a bad one?" I figured this would be enough to prompt him to tell me as much or as little as he wanted to share about the dream.

"Well, it started out kinda bad. I was alone and I was walking around aimlessly. Every single step I took, I heard you and Riley. But no matter how far I walked or how many corners I took, I could never find you both." He rubbed his chest, and I knew the dream really bothered him; he was easy enough to read sometimes. "But then all the sudden, the sun came out, and I followed the sunshine around another corner and there you both were, playing in the sunshine at the park. Riley saw me and ran to greet me." His eyes smiled as large as his mouth did. I loved to see him truly happy; his whole face showed the emotion. "We played together for a little while. Later when Carlisle and Esme showed up to get him, I felt sad." He played with the edge of my t-shirt. His fingers were unable to be still; it was the only sign of his nervousness. "Riley ran over to me and said, 'Edward, I like hanging out with you. You always make me so happy. I love you'. He looked so happy, Bella." Edward's eyes watered up, and he pulled me close to him. His next words were muffled as she spoke with his face cradled against my shoulder. "I can't take that away from him, Bella; I can't. I want to, God knows I do, but I can't. He deserves to live a happy life, and if Carlisle and Esme are willing to let us be a part of that, then that is enough for me." His tears fell in rivers across his cheeks and onto my shirt. It was a small price to pay when I considered it meant Edward had come to the conclusion he had. I just held him as he cried against me.

Eventually, we settled back in bed and fell asleep tangled with each other. No more words were spoken; we had both said our peace. We knew how the other felt and that was enough.

The next afternoon, we went to pick up Riley so we could play in the park. The tenseness I had seen on Edward was gone. He had settled down and relaxed and was able to enjoy Riley. They both ran and played until Riley was about to fall over with exhaustion. The smile on both of their faces was priceless as Edward carried Riley up to bed. I allowed him to tuck him in alone.

I stayed back to talk to Carlisle and Esme. I knew they had seen the difference in Edward, and I was sure they would want to talk about it. I dropped down in their overstuffed loveseat and waited for the onslaught of questions.

"So how was the park?" Esme asked, as politely as ever. I twisted a piece of hair around my finger, and I was sure the grin on my face could only be described as Cheshire cat-like.

"It was fine, Esme. How was your night?" I returned.

"Oh, well, ours was fine. I caught up on some reading, and Carlisle watched that 'Through the Wormhole' show I hate." Esme flipped through a magazine, and I swore any minute the pages would give under the force of her fingers as she turned them.

"Oh, well that's good." Carlisle caught on, and his grin matched mine as we both stared at Esme.

She looked up and realized we both had our eyes locked on her. She looked back and forth between the two of us as she slammed the magazine down on the table, and her face took on a grin of her own.

"What?" She almost shouted.

"Just go ahead, Es. Ask her for crying out loud." Carlisle rolled his eyes as he spoke.

"Fine, jeesh. I was trying to be polite and not pry." She spoke to him. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she turned her body to me and practically vomited the words at me. "Edward seems so different, is everything okay?"

"He's fine. He really needs to be the one to tell you though." Esme looks shocked and appalled at the same time.

"You ... you broke me down and made me ask, just to be told to wait for him?" Carlisle laughed and moved to sit beside her on the couch.

Just as she began to protest some more, Edward jogged down the stairs and took in the three of us. I was certain we looked deranged, but he came in and sat down beside me anyway.

"Did he go down okay?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah, he tried to protest, but he was just too tired to really hold out for long. I don't blame him." He ran a hand through his hair, but his smile was beautiful to see. "I would drop over and sleep now if I could. He ran me ragged today." Carlisle chuckled as Edward talked.

"Hey, why do you think I was so quick to let you two youngsters take him to the park?" Esme laid a hand on Carlisle's leg before she took the chance to change the topic. I knew she wouldn't last long.

"Everything okay, Edward? You seem different somehow."

I felt Edward tense, and he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. I promised not to bring it up, and I gave a small shrug to indicate I hadn't, but to also offer encouragement to him to answer it now and get it over with.

"Well, I know you both know Bella and I have struggled with what to do and how to make things right in regards to Riley." Both Carlisle and Esme tensed up. "I know neither of you did anything wrong and don't misunderstand us, we really appreciate it was you who took him in." Edward ran a hand through his hair again, and I patted his leg as encouragement. "It certainly could have turned out much worse if someone else had ended up with him. We may have never known where he was or if he was even still alive." His voice cracked, and I saw the tears that crept up in his eyes as he spoke. Esme grabbed Carlisle's hand, and her eyes welled up as well. "I can't thank you both enough for that." He began to cry in earnest as he bowed his head. I took both of his hands in mine and kissed them as he tried his best to gather himself so he could finish. "I was angry when I found out, like 'never been that angry in my entire fucking life' angry. I won't lie, my intention was to come in here, drag him away and hire the best lawyer possible to get our rights back." Esme's eyes opened wide, and she looked scared. "But I can't." Edward's tears began again. "You're all he knows, and he loves you so much. I can't do that to him. And as long as you both promise we will always have access to him, then Bella and I," he glanced at me, and I nodded my support, "promise not to take him away from you." Esme and Carlisle both visibly relaxed. I knew this was a huge worry for them.

"But we have one stipulation we'd like to ask of you both. We'd like to be named as guardians to Riley if anything should ever happen to you. That way he comes to us and not to someone the court appoints, please." I almost couldn't get the words out as I spoke them. It pained me to think of anything happening to them or to Riley in that event.

Carlisle and Esme looked at one another and held an entire conversation with their eyes alone. I was impressed with their level of communication. "That is not too much to ask, and I had already had the similar thoughts myself. But we have one stipulation as well." Carlisle took in a deep breath before he spoke. "No disrespect meant to either of you, but you both have had demons in your life. So please understand, we will add in a clause that makes sure you are both still in full control of those demons before Riley is placed with you. Otherwise, he will go to Liz and Ed or Charlie. He deserves to be with family. We won't stop that, but you can't blame us for looking out for him, even after we're gone."

I look at Edward, and we attempt to have our conversation with our eyes. I saw his pain and hurt there. I also saw resolve that he would never end up in that place again. So, I answered for us both. "Fine with us, we agree completely."

That night in bed, we both wore matching smiles.

"It feels so good; the peace, it feels so, so good." He murmured against my naked shoulder.

I just nodded. I was too afraid to say anything that would burst his bubble. He deserved this peace.

"I can't wait to make babies with you." His hand ran along my also naked stomach.

"Really?" I whispered.

"Oh yeah, to see you all pregnant, I can't wait." His skin glided along mine and brushed across my stomach.

"Tell me about being pregnant with Riley." His hand never stopped its movement as I began to speak. I talked for over two hours, and he never interrupted me once. He waited until I paused, and then he asked his questions.

"I want a life with you, Bella. A forever kind of love like my mom and dad, like Carlisle and Esme. I wanna be able to look at you and have an entire conversation with just our eyes. I've loved you for so long, and I can't wait for you to really be mine. And kids … I never thought I was that guy, but with you, I am. I want it all, but only with you." He turned my head and spoke the words while he looked directly into my eyes.

I had to look away. How do I tell him it might not be possible? How do I crush his dream?

"Do you not want that, Bella? Tell me. You can say anything, you know that." He tried really hard to keep his voice even, but I could hear the hurt in there.

"I might not be able to give you that, Edward." His face fell as I spoke. "I want to, but I just don't know if I can."

"It doesn't matter. I'll take whatever you can offer me. I just want you, the rest is just me being greedy." I turned in his arms and kissed his mouth as soundly as I could.

"We'll take it a step at a time, and if God chooses to bless us with more kids, then we'll have them. I would love a house full, so we'll wait on him." Edward turned so that we faced each other fully.

"What do you mean? Because I thought you were reluctant to have more, not that you couldn't. Spill it."

"It's just the years of dieting and all," I blushed, ashamed I had done this to myself. "I might not be able to get pregnant. It takes a toll on your body." My eyes welled up with tears and shame flooded my body.

"Hey, it's okay. I told you, I want you and no matter what that means, I'm here for that. We'll find a specialist and see if they can help us. If not, then we'll adopt. Where you go, I go!" He hugged me to his body and held me while I cried.

"I'm sorry. I should have known. I should have taken better care of myself."

"Hey, listen. We did what we did and we can't change that. Lord knows, I'm no one to preach at you for what you did to yourself. We just have to take care of ourselves from here on out. I'm with you now, and we'll work through this, okay?" He sealed his words with a kiss.


End file.
